Tag: chronic physical pain

walking in mud continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Walking in Mud Continues

My father’s prescription was ready so I had to go to his house to settle his meds for the week. I took the bus there and then had to walk from the pharmacy to his house. I took me more than a half hour to walk because my feet felt like lead. I couldn’t walk fast to save my life. It was horrible. I was so exhausted by the time I got to his place. I hadn’t had anything to eat before I went to his apartment. After I missed the bus, I decided to go to dunkin and get a coffee and some donuts. I must have spilled more coffee on me than I actually drank. The lid wasn’t too secure. I now smell like French vanilla. I was going to make coffee at home but I was too sleepy to get out of bed early enough to make it.

My ankle is hurting from the walk. I got it propped up on my bed to try and relieve some of the swelling. I also have taken some pain meds to help deal with the stupid pain. Soon as it calms down some I plan on making something to eat. I think a black bean burger on sourdough bread is on the menu.

I am exhausted and need sleep. Think I will nap and then make the burger. This depression is so hard. I can’t write even 500 word blogs anymore. I am sorry for my new readers. I am not normally like this. I hope it passes quickly because I am not sure how much more I can take. I hate when my writing is affected. It’s my sole means of expressing myself when I am down, other than listening to music or watching a baseball game. But even baseball, my favorite sport of all time, I have no interest in. I try to keep up with the scores and stuff but I just can’t. It’s too much for me right now.

I feel like I am drowning and no one is seeing me. My family hasn’t made any comments about my weight so I doubt they have noticed. But then, they have been preoccupied with Easter and my father all week.

A friend that I met at my last hospitalization is in the ER right now waiting for a bed. Pisses me off that there are no mental health beds available like there are medical beds. She has been in the ER since Thursday. That is just wrong.

Another Slow Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Slow Day

I have been having another slow day where my thoughts are just not there. I was debating writing this blog. It’s just so hard to write when you can’t think of what to say.

I went to my father’s to do his pills for the week. There was a problem with the pharmacy so we need to wait to get all his pills. I will have to go back tomorrow, something I wasn’t planning on doing. I so wanted to spend the day in bed. Guess that will be Sunday.

I spent the rest of the afternoon in bed but I didn’t sleep. My head kept calling for my pillow but no sleep came. The pain I had flared up and I think that is why I couldn’t sleep. I barely ate today. I finished off the four ribs that was left over from last night and that has been the only sustenance I have eaten. I did drink an Ensure for my breakfast. I just am not hungry today. All I want to do is lie down.

I think this is the longest that I have gone without an appetite. This has been going on for at least two and a half months. I also have not had much to drink. I have been trying to drink some Powerade but have not been successful so far. I wanted a coffee but my choice was Dunkins and that is just a waste of money. I will try and make coffee tomorrow. It’s been a long time since I made coffee at home.

Walking today was painful. I felt like I was walking in mud again. It was raining and cold. I had an umbrella with me but it kept on going from a misty rain to nothing so there was no point in opening the umbrella. I felt like a zombie today. I really feel out of it and I don’t know why. My psych never responded to the email about the side effects. I hope I don’t have them again. They were awful.

I didn’t get my haircut today. I woke up too late. I am going to try to get it tomorrow morning before seeing my father. But it all depends on if I have energy or not. Right now, I can’t trust that I will have energy. Every thing seems so flat to me. I can’t be more descriptive than that.

I am entering my second week of Zoloft. So far it doesn’t seem to be helping any. And I hope the side effects I experienced last night weren’t a drug interaction between the sertraline and the abilify. That will suck. It was another question I asked my psych about but never got a response. Maybe she is looking into it and hasn’t had a chance to get back to me. I still feel like this medication is not helping me but I know I got to give it time. It’s annoying that you have to wait 2-6 weeks for something to help you when you feel so miserable. I still can’t believe I lost another eight pounds in a week. That will make twenty that I have lost since I lost my appetite over two months ago. I just hope I can keep it off.

Post 1668

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1668

As tired as I fucking am, I am can’t sleep. I just took my night meds so I am hoping they will knock me out some. I wrote to my psychiatrist telling her that my depressive symptoms are getting worse, not better. I also gave an update on my father as he was discharged today. No more running back and forth to the hospital, least for now.

I don’t have a lot on my mind. It’s so fucking hard when you can’t think. I really feel like I am doped up on trilafon but I’m not. It’s just really difficult trying to pull my thoughts together to string a sentence along.

I was having side effects of the abilify. It’s the second time in the last two weeks this has happened. I don’t know if the Zoloft is interacting or not. I sent off an email to my psych. The spasms are the worse than the string bean feeling in my extremities. Then I was having back spasms, too. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t know if it’s called akathisia or dystonia but it fucking sucks. I told my psych I had to take an extra Ativan to settle it down. I hate having to take an extra one so close to the first one but what choice did I have? It was three hours ago that I took my meds. The side effects woke me up from sleep. I have never had that happen before.

I feel so drained, like all the energy has been sucked from my body. I took my weight today and I am down eight pounds. I couldn’t believe it. I am getting closer to my goal of being 185. Not ideal but it’s better than what I am now. Maybe if I am down, I can get off one of my blood pressure medicines. I really would love to get off the labetalol because I have to take it twice a day. Sometimes I forget to take the morning dose. I am better at taking it with the app that I have but on the mornings when I have appointments or need to see my father, I forget to bring it with me to take.

I took some magnesium tonight to try and combat the spasms I was having in my back. I got to remember to take it because it really does help me. I remember reading about magnesium more than ten years ago and how essential it was in treating certain disorders. The author was advocating for a higher range of magnesium in the blood. I don’t remember his reasoning, but if I come across his article, I will post it. It used to be on the web but the website is no longer there.

The thing I am worried about is that my bowels weren’t feeling right yesterday. I had missed having an accident twice yesterday because of loose stool. And tonight with my night meds, I took my Senna. I was going to skip it but forgot. Now I am going to be house bound until my bowels let loose. I hope that by noon I will have a movement so I can go to my father’s to do what I need to do.

Meds have kicked in. I am no longer a spaz. Wish the meds helped ease the tension in my neck but I guess you can’t have everything.

random 325

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I was planning on resting today but I had to go out as it was 60 degrees. The rest of the week is a shit show of cold weather so I wanted to try to go out today. I went and got my roast beef sandwich with onion rings. I couldn’t finish the onion rings but I did the sandwich. I think it’s going to be the only thing I eat today.

I had therapy. Last twenty minutes were tough. I didn’t want to talk anymore. And she kept wanting to. I asked her why she still wants to deal with me. She said I was stuck with her, or something of that nature. I was feeling down and didn’t want to talk about it. There is only so much you can say when you are feeling down. She wanted to make sure I am still taking the sertraline. I don’t know why she has to ask me this every time I talk with her. And it’s not really helping me right now. I feel no difference.

My sister visited my father but he was having a procedure done so missed him. I haven’t heard anything. I haven’t called the floor to see how he is doing. I am taking an off day from him and will get the information second hand through one of my sisters.

I am still feeling very tired and I am in pain. My foot didn’t like walking to the roast beef place but it was worth it. I really like their food. I could have ordered from another place but it’s not the same. I don’t have anything to do tonight at all. I am just going to keep my foot up on my bed and the only time I will be off is to use the bathroom. Maybe I will get some reading done tonight. I can’t say for sure because right now I am having a hard time staying awake. I am just so tired.

I ordered my groceries and they are scheduled to come between 0730 and 930 tomorrow. Early start to my day. After the delivery, I plan on getting a haircut. Then I will come home, shower, relax for a bit, then go to the hospital. This is all tentative, except for the groceries, to how my energy levels are and how much sleep I get.