Tag: chronic physical pain

Exhausted and Hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Exhausted and hurting

I did a lot today. I took a shower and made breakfast. Fell asleep and found it so hard to get up to go to my father’s. I decided I was going to get a haircut before seeing him. There was a wait. Great. So the hour and half that I told him I would be there took two hours. I had no idea if he was going to be mad or not. If he started calling me, I would know. I got to his house around 1330. He seemed to be in a good mood. I did his meds while he washed up and shaved. I was tired and just wanted to go home. Before I left, he gave me something for my brother in law.

There was a Dunkin across the street from my father’s apartment. I figured I get my donuts while waiting for the bus and train to go home. I got a dozen, 4 jelly, 4 chocolate, and 4 glazed. That was my lunch (not all the donuts, just 2!) when I got home. It didn’t take long but while I was walking down the street to my house, my ankle decided it wasn’t going to work anymore. I am in serious pain. Mail had come so I sorted it and then went up the stairs. My mother was calling me while I was sorting the mail. She wanted me to do an errand. HA, very funny. After all the running around I did today, forget it. I just wanted to go upstairs, take some medicine for my ankle, and then maybe nap. Only thing I forgot to do was mail something for my stupid, lousy prescription service. I will do that tomorrow as I need to go out anyways.

It was in the 70’s today, really warm for November. I hope this means we are going to have a mild winter. I don’t think I can stand being cooped up in the house for a month like I did last February.

I can’t believe how tired I am. I am also hungry too so those donuts might not last to tomorrow. I think I will make some eggs. Dinner won’t be for another hour or so. We will be having my niece over because my sister is going out with her friend. Called my mother to find out what is for supper and I am on my own. I really want pizza, but I know I am not going to eat the whole thing by myself. If I could walk to the Pizza place (just down the street), I would just get a couple of slices. Damn ankle is a brat though.

I haven’t had a chance to do anything but run around today. I haven’t written anything. I hope to do that tomorrow while I at Starbucks. I am very tempted to cancel my appointment with my pdoc. I really don’t want to go. I feel like emailing her and telling her that it’s only because I like her, I am seeing her tomorrow. I really don’t have much to tell her as I have been emailing her all week. I do need a refill so I guess I will go. I just hope I wake up around 0800 like I did today so the day isn’t so long. If I wake up before that time, I need a nap by 10.

Just found out Jane Seymour will be in the new James Bond movie. I love her. She has been my favorite since “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”. That was a really cool show, until the obvious racism was shown. I didn’t like it one bit, against the blacks nor the Indians. It’s a shame they were more willing to accept black people than they were the Indians. Just kills me inside how they were treated and I am sure it was worse back in the day than what was shown on television.

I got a call about my baby (laptop) and they will be shipping it out today. I probably will get it sometime next week as the FedEx number isn’t in the system yet. I will be shocked if it arrives tomorrow. I am going to miss using this laptop.

hindsight

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mood disorders

I decided not to go out to day. By the time I thought about it, I would have to rush to catch the bus and I didn’t feel like rushing. I might go to Walgreens later to get a card for my Godmother, whose birthday is next week. I also want to get the fricken snacks I have been craving. The last time I went to Walgreens, they were out of them.

I had therapy today and I shared my thoughts about this paper that I want to write. It’s something I started before we had our little disagreement. But now that I know that she isn’t going anywhere, I think I can go back to it. I might work on it today, while I figure out what to do with myself now that I am not going to the Square. Tomorrow I need to go out to my father’s. I saw him last night and he was his typical self, watching what everyone was doing. I didn’t have too much interaction with him. He really aggravates the fuck out of me, just seeing him fills me with disgust. I talked about it in therapy today. She was telling me that it’s because of his narcissism that I feel this way. He is just an asshole in my book.

I’m feel really down today. I had a cup of tea to warm me up as well as a comfort. I really love a good cup of tea. I didn’t feel like making coffee because I thought I would be going out today. But I think my bowels have other plans for me today. I feel like I got the runs brewing. I might have to cut back on the senna. It’s always a balancing act. Drives me nuts. I didn’t talk about the depression with my therapist. Sometimes, I just don’t feel like talking about it. We were talking more about my frustrated needs and how to apply them that I really didn’t want to bring it up.

We talked some more about an adjunctive therapist. But I think it’s just talk. I really don’t see it going anywhere. It would be a dream to see my twitter doc as I really like him and I think we would be a perfect fit. But he has a dog and I am not a dog person, though the dog mostly sleeps. Least that is the impression I get from all the pics he posts of her.

I checked the status of my baby (laptop). It is being repaired so I should get it sometime next week, if they don’t have to order parts. I am getting used to the laptop I am using but I like my lighter laptop better.

I just realized I am wearing scrubs for PJs. Score, I don’t have to change to go out! I will just go to Walgreens. It’s warm today so I will just wear a T-shirt. I hope they have my snacks in stock or I will be disappointed.

I haven’t been feeling suicidal the past few days. I think the increase in trileptal (mood stabilizer) at night has some protective factors. I wish it would help with my damn sleep though. I woke up at fucking 0500. I was able to get back to sleep but come on. I hate waking up early because the day just drags. Even when I read my book, it takes me a few minutes to go through a chapter because they are not really long. They are about ten pages or less. And it is easy reading, so that helps. What bothers me about this book is that the tragedy could have been avoided had the British Navy interceded the damn Lusitania and escorted her to her port. There were warnings before the ship set sailed the Germans wanted to sink the ship. HELLO?? But I guess hindsight is 20/20, after the fact. Just like the Titanic being in full steam during iceberg season.

Do Nothing Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Do nothing Tuesday

I had therapy today. It was productive. We talked about the multiple texts that I sent her during my anxiety attack that I had yesterday afternoon/evening. She said that it was all PTSD related. I told her I was going out of my mind and she said next time try and move around, not stay in the same space. I suppose I could have left my room so I wasn’t so isolated. But I also didn’t feel like being around my mother. She doesn’t understand my illness and would not be helpful at all. If anything, it would worry her. And I don’t need anyone else knowing that I have anxiety brought on by pain. I tried to get someone on twitter to respond but got nowhere. I had people on Facebook help, but they were thinking panic attacks and I wasn’t having that. I was just really anxious and shaky. I wasn’t hyperventilating or feeling like I was going to die, or any of the other symptoms of a panic attack. It didn’t reassure me that my therapist said it was PTSD, but I guess that is better than what I was thinking, general anxiety disorder.

We talked about the needs and I explained what the difference was. I don’t know if she was writing it down or not. It sounded like she did because she asked me to repeat some of the words. We spent some time talking about it and how it could be useful for us. It was a long list but it is what it is. Tomorrow we’ll talk most about it. She also wants me to star my texts if they are important so we can talk about them during session. I don’t know if I can remember to do that when I am in the fit of emotion. She also wants me to send her more blogs. I only send her the ones that are pertinent to our conversation. I will have to ask her tomorrow what she means by that. I write a lot of blogs lately so I need to know what she wants. And stupid WordPress doesn’t make it easy to share the blogs. It’s kind of stupid that you have to view it in order for you to share it. It was easier before they did the update. I have to do it on my phone so I can text message her.

We didn’t get to talk about the depression. She did want me to talk to my pdoc about my mood stabilizer. Today I am not feeling like doing anything. I am really tired because I woke up at 0600 again. I fell back to sleep and that just did me in for the day. I had no energy to do anything. Even now I am struggling to stay awake. I even had a cup of coffee. It was good and strong so I don’t know why it’s putting me to sleep. Only meds I took today was my BP meds and they don’t make me sleepy. I have been on them more than a year now. I think not sleeping yesterday just got caught with me today. I knew I wasn’t going to go out, though I tried to do an errand for my mother. It was a good thing because I emptied my bank account so I can get a haircut and get a birthday card for my Godmother. Her birthday is next week. I don’t think I will be seeing her. My cousin’s birthday is Friday. I have to remember to text her even though she is on vacation. All these birthdays. Today is my sister’s. I really don’t feel like getting dressed to go over my other sister’s house but I have to. I hope they have the cake early so I can go home sooner rather than later.

My father is over the house. I didn’t go to his house last week because my back was out. He looked like he was afraid to touch me like I was a leper or something. Idiot. He never called to check on me either, not like I was expecting it. My sister took care of the meds, which I was grateful for.

Early Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Early Monday

I woke up at 0600. I really wanted to take a nap after I had breakfast, but I decided to get my haircut and then go to Starbucks to write this blog idea for my therapist. Barber shop that I usually go to was closed, vacation day. They won’t reopen until Thursday. So I went to the other one down the street and it didn’t open until 0930. It was 0840 when I left my house and I didn’t want to wait an hour. I waited for the bus to take me to my “happy” place. Luckily, the bus to the Square came about ten minutes later. Cool. Least part of my day was going okay. When I got to my “happy” place, I decided I wanted the Sumantra Longberry coffee. It’s strong but sweet, made sweeter with sugar and cream. It helped the fog that I was in.

I got out the writing materials to start my writing. I had just started writing half the frustrated needs in my notebook when my pen started to run out ink. I couldn’t believe it. I had another pen but it was a different color and I don’t like to mix colored ink when writing. There went my project. So I decided to try and write in my journal with the other pen that I had. I wrote about a paragraph when I just got tired and wanted to go home. I just missed the bus and the next one wasn’t for another 50 minutes or so. So I tried to write some more to pass the time. Forced writing is never a good thing. I thought more about the project. I also thought about going to CVS to get a new pen but decided if they didn’t have my pen, it wasn’t going to be worth buying. I am very particular about my pens. Lesson learned, always carry a backup pen even though you think you may not need it. Thing I don’t understand is that when I checked my pen’s ink supply, it was half way full so had plenty of ink to continue writing. But it was very light and then stopped writing all together. This is the second pen in this class of pens that I had to throw away because the ink just failed. I don’t get it. But I have plenty of pens that I bought so it can be easily replaced. Just sucks because I am wasting ink.

As I was riding on the bus, I thought about getting my haircut at the place further down the street. I didn’t go. They usually don’t cut my hair right and I always seem to get the big smelly guy. I just came home, which was a good thing because I had to go to the bathroom.

I am not as down as I was last night. But I am still feeling like there is a weight on my chest. It’s making it difficult to breathe so I have to take deep breaths to get air in my lungs. I hate when the depression has physical symptoms. I don’t know what is worse, having a heartache or a weight on your chest, feeling like a burden to those around you, or thinking that you just will be better off dead.

Despite it being warm outside, it’s cold in the house. My sensitive foot is frozen, despite being under several warm blankets. I haven’t put a sock on yet, but I am getting close to doing it. My ankle is also acting up because of my activities today. It started on the last block I was walking. For some reason, when I came home and came up the stairs, I got wicked out of breath. It took a good ten minutes for me to catch my breath. I have since climbed the stairs since then and didn’t feel short of breath afterwards. It’s so weird that it happens some of the time and not at others. I have noticed a pattern though. If I am walking and then go up the stairs, I get winded than if I was resting and then going up.