Tag: chronic physical pain

Random 322

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Today’s plan is to go to my father’s and then leave as quickly as possible. I am hoping that he doesn’t need any refills on his medications as that will slow the leaving process. He does need to get more baby aspirin.

I texted my therapist today to remind her to check her mail as there are two letters from me. I sent them early this week and they should have arrived by now. I also sent her a pre-birthday message. I couldn’t help myself. I forgot to wish her a happy birthday yesterday while we were talking. If I did, I probably still will text her anyways. Hehehe. The stupid yapping dog is out on the porch. I hate yappy dogs.

I made coffee and had breakfast of potatoes and toast. It was all I was in the mood to make. I really wanted to make pancakes but that takes a lot of work. I might make them for lunch. I haven’t had pancakes in a long time. I make them from scratch. Maybe I will make oatmeal ones.

I haven’t heard from my friend, not that I am expecting it this early. This is the second person that blocked me on Facebook. I say good riddance. I don’t need her drama in my life anymore. I hope she stays gone. I still am upset about it because she needs help more than I do. Or I should say, that I am already seeking help and she is not. She has serious problems. I used to feel bad for her, now I could care less.

I haven’t written anything toward my book since Sunday night. I might write another bout of depression and what it feels like as I haven’t written about that in a while. I wish that stupid dog would shut the fuck up. Last night, there were airplanes going around my house so I couldn’t nap. Now there is a fucking dog that won’t shut up. He doesn’t sound happy that he is outside and is yapping to go inside. I hate the owners more than the dog. I miss living on a dead end street sometimes. It was nice and quite in my basement apartment. I didn’t hear anything. It was cool, dark, and perfectly quiet to snooze whenever. But I don’t live there anymore. Course, I was working all the time so that didn’t make time for snoozing. Since being on disability, I have had more naps during the day than at any other point in my adult life. I try not to snooze but sometimes I have to because I get up so early. I woke up a few times today before six. Going back to sleep is always the hardest.

I am hoping to take a writing class the end of the month. It all depends on my finances, and if there is still room to take a seat. There are 12 spots so I am hoping the class doesn’t get filled. It is a class on how to edit and then create more writing. It sounds perfect for me. I have an essay that I want to bring to work on. It is the blog on love/hate that I keep submitting to the New York Times. My pdoc says you have to try at least 300 times to get noticed. So I have been sending emails at least twice a week. I have the time to send it more times than that but I don’t want to end up getting blocked so I figure a few times a week is good and then I will up the anti.

Whatever it is

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Been thinking about what next to write. It has been difficult because I don’t really have an idea. My therapist suggested I write about my delusion I had when I was a teenager. But that is too painful to discuss. I hate when she plants a bug in my ear.

I been feeling pretty terrible the last couple of hours. I have been sleeping on and off to try and get rid of it but it hasn’t worked. I guess that jerk that told me to “get help” is still burning me up. I have been trying to escape by reading Harry Potter, but I can only read so much before I get bored. I get lost for a little bit and then I can’t concentrate anymore. I think it’s the depression that is making me feel this way.

I was tempted to get another session with my therapist for tomorrow but I backed off. Sometimes three in a row isn’t good. Friday is her birthday. I really wanted to see her today to wish her a happy birthday but think I will text her a lot Friday. I sent her a birthday letter rather than a card. I hate spending money on a card when it doesn’t say what I am looking for. I miss the mountain cards they used to have. They were cards that had a personal meaning. I always seemed to find one that fits. But I haven’t seen them in Walgreens in years. I think they might be at a Hallmark store. So instead of getting a card, I got sentimental and sent her a birthday letter. It’s kind of the opposite of the other letter I sent her with the lyrics of “Do I” by Luke Bryan. I was listening late at night the other night and her songs kept playing. It was “Do I” and “Whatever it is” by Zac Brown Band. I would have written up the lyrics to “Whatever it is” but the song drives me wild when I start thinking about my therapist that way.

Foot pain has been minimal the past few days, though it was worse Sunday. I couldn’t do anything. I am glad it has calmed down some. I have to deal with my father tomorrow. I shouldn’t be at his apartment for more than fifteen minutes. I usually just do his meds and then get out. I might check his mail for him and that is all. I don’t know what time I will be going over. I usually get there before noon, just in case he wants to go out. He gets impatient if I get there later in the afternoon. I just hope he is in a good mood or else my time there is going to suck.

I need to call my cousin. I haven’t spoken to her since February when the storms were great. We were supposed to get together afterwards but never did. I wish she wasn’t so far away from me. But she is accessible via commuter rail. I haven’t been talking to her because of my depressions and suicidality. It’s hard to make plans with someone when you feel like killing yourself.

It’s hailing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s Hailing

For the first time in my adult life, I have seen what hail looks like. It’s cool! It’s coming down in pebbles but it is turning to rain. I just beat the storm by about 10 minutes! I am glad the bus was early today. My foot is hurting but I think it’s because it is swollen. Once it has time to acclimate to being without my shoe, I think it will be fine. If not, I will take a pain med. Both feet are burning but I think that is because I had to go up and down the stairs multiple times to close windows in both my house and my sister’s. Just call me the Window Closer!

My mother said that we are having asparagus and eggs for dinner. I am surprised because we are running low on eggs. She is one to stock up on them but they haven’t been on sale in a long time. It kind of stinks because I do like having eggs in the morning. Or a boiled egg for supper.

I am still getting used to my new eyeglasses. They are stronger than my previous prescription so I think it’s going to take some time to get used to. I thought I would adjust quickly but that isn’t the case. I went to Starbucks today and wore them while I was writing in my journal. My eyes felt really tired after I wore them. So I have been wearing them in spurts until I get used to them.

Had therapy today. She read the “Hate” blog. She said it was the “perfect” transference paper that she ever read. I didn’t think that highly of it because it took so long to write. I must have worked on it for at least two hours, if not more, just to get it to 500 words. I had thrown in how my day was and the anxiety about my pain meds. You take that out and it’s less than 300 words. It is crap. But she never criticizes me. I wish she would sometimes. I re-read it and it was a well written article. I didn’t like the middle parts like I described but the whole of the article was good. What bothers me is that a friend had read it and just gave it a sad face. I have no idea what that means. I don’t know if she found the article sad, that she didn’t like it, or whatever else she thought of it. I hate when people do that. You are always left wondering what the hell is wrong with the article. We talked about the “going with the flow” part. She doesn’t want me to do this but I already am going with it so I don’t know how to stop it. I can’t get angry or feel hate on command. I just keep what I am feeling inside or express it on this blog. Otherwise I have no where else to put them. And if I don’t have a place to put my feelings, the more suicidal I become.

Random 548

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide attempt

I think I am a little hypomanic. I only had three hours of sleep last night despite taking 600 mg of Neurontin to help me sleep. I am wired but tired at the same time. I just walked to the post office to drop off some letters that I wrote to my therapist and my hip and ankle are having a tug of war as to who is going to hurt me more. I am not happy.

I keep thinking today is a holiday and it’s not. I called my physiatrist’s office and found out he is on fucking vacation so I can’t talk to him about how the new NSAID is working out. It is working out. I am finding that there is less pressure on my ankle than it was before. It’s still swollen but I think in time, the NSAID will help ease it, as long as I remember to take it every day. I just got to make sure that I eat something or I can’t take it.

Been getting reports that the MBTA, our public transportation system, has been having major problems today and then there was an accident in Sully Sq that caused the ramp on the major highway to be closed while it got cleared up. It was closed for at least two hours so I am sure traffic is a bitch. I can only imagine the trouble on the highway and the mess in Sully Sq. I tweeted the mess and then a news reporter wanted me to send photos. I am not going to take pictures of people, without their consent, and then send it to a news station! Plus, I wasn’t there. HEHEHE. I think the reporter was like, “no pic or it didn’t happen” bullshit. I also am not going out till this afternoon because the bus I need to take to the Square is severely delayed, which probably means that there is no service to where I want to go. So I am staying home, again. I might go back out and get pizza when the place opens. I don’t know if my hip and ankle are going to want to do it again. I don’t know why, but it felt like someone was grabbing my hip as I was walking down the street. It was very uncomfortable. I always have problems with my hip. I know I should probably go back to PT to get it strengthened. I think the muscles are weak because of my stupid back problems. It has been hurting me for some time now, almost 9 months. But usually if I continue to walk, the pain goes away. This time it didn’t and I am still hurting. I was walking with my cane because I needed extra support with my ankle. I didn’t want to put added pressure on it.

I would really love Red Baron’s single deep dish pizza right now. But I can’t go to the grocery store. I am going to do a big shopping at the end of the month when I get paid. Because I bought my glasses, I couldn’t do food shopping this month. It’s the sacrifices you got to make when you are on a limited budget.
I bought cookies yesterday, which I should not have done. I am eating them instead of meals. I will have like 8 cookies and call it my dinner or lunch. I am wicked bad with cookies. They are my nemesis and I am the cookie monster.

I woke up from a nap about an hour ago and found that my glasses have been delivered. I was just expecting one pair of glasses but got three. As I was about to check out, the next screen asked if I wanted single vision and distance lenses. I thought I had to order them separately with the multifocal lenses so I ordered them, not realizing they are separate. So I got three glasses but no instructions as to which pair was which. I had to call them and tell them I wanted to cancel my order. They told me that I could get 100% refund (store credit) or 50% on my credit card. I opted to return the two pairs that I didn’t need and get the 100% store credit. This way when I need new glasses, I have a credit and it will be easier to afford my glasses as I won’t be getting the LTD payments anymore.

I was going through some old mail when I came across a notepad. I took it to my room and found that it had suicide notes for my nieces and nephew and my psychiatrist. It had other suicide related items in it as well. I forgot that I wrote these things and judging by the other writings, I must have been in serious pain when I wrote this. It was in Nov. 2013. I had just finished an article about suicide attempters and their “longevity”. Turns out, they don’t live as long because they attempt again and succeed. I blogged about this and I guess this was my saving grace because I am still here.