Tag: chronic physical pain

Sunday Blog 5

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up around 7 and my ankle/foot was still hurting me. I hate mornings when I wake up in pain because I never know how the day is going to progress. I took a couple of pain meds and tried to relax a little bit for them to work. When they didn’t knock me out, I decided to make coffee. I am hungry but I don’t know what to make. I know I want eggs, I just don’t know how I want them made. So many choices, scrambled, fried, sunny side up. I just don’t know. The coffee is ebbing away my hunger so I still have an hour or so to decide what I want to eat. That is if the pain meds don’t make me sleepy by then. I know I had coffee but that doesn’t mean I won’t go back to sleep.

I was supposed to go to my cousin’s house today as he is have a party. He has a nice house with a big yard and a pool. But I am not in the mood to be social today. I am kind of grumpy because I am in pain. And I am not sure being around my family is a good idea when I am in pain. It will be an all day affair and I don’t think I can handle it. Besides, pain meds and swimming don’t mix too well.

The game is a day game, again. It’s pretty weird that both games are day games for the weekend. I like it because my team does better during the day than night games for some reason. We have won three games in a row, so far. The final score for yesterday’s game was 11-7. A rookie hit his second homerun of the game. I am happy for him. He also scored 5 runs. The last Red Sox player to do that was in 2008 by Dustin Pedroia. Dustin is on the disabled list right now with a hamstring issue. I miss him playing. He is one of my favorite players. My not so favorite player is pitching today, Wade Miley. Like all starting pitchers this season, we don’t know how he is going to pitch until he starts. There has been no consistency among them. Clay Buccholz was the only pitcher that pitched with consistency, but he is on the DL with an elbow issue. I love Clay. He might not be the top pitchers in the league but he works hard, even when he stinks. There is just something about him that I like. I don’t know what that is.

I have started the third Harry Potter book yesterday while the game was being played. I was bored with the laptop so decided to read. The book is “Prisoner of Azkaban”. The thing that stinks about re-reading the book, is that you know what is going to happen next so there is no mystery. But I still get excited about the parts that are exciting. While I was reading “Chamber of Secrets”, I noticed that during the good parts I was skipping words to see what came next, even though I already knew. JK Rowling is just that good of a writer. Better than I will ever be.

Tomorrow, my glasses that I ordered are supposed to be delivered. The last message I got was that they were still in San Francisco, that is a long way from Boston. I hope they are close to being in Boston now. It is being sent through First Class mail so I am hoping they do arrive tomorrow. It will be great to see without having to rest my eyes because the single vision only does so much. These are my multifocal lenses and I know I will be able to read better with them. A friend of mine was telling me about an eyeglass place in Boston that sells them for $95, frames and all. I wish I heard about this place before I placed my order. I could have saved $130. I just hope these glasses fit okay. I have never bought glasses online before. I don’t know what to do if the frames need to be adjusted. Hope I can go to an eyeglass place and get them adjusted for nothing, even though I didn’t buy them at the place. It was a tough decision to buy online vs in store. But the cost of the lenses is what really made me go online.

It’s a little bit cooler today than it has been all week. I don’t know if my mother will be going to my cousin’s shindig or not. I am leaning towards not. Last night she made a huge bowl of mac and cheese. She said she would have it tomorrow so I am guessing that meant she wasn’t going to my cousin’s. So it will just be her and I at home today, again. I might go to Walgreens to get some snacks. My mother bought Chips Ahoy and Lorne Doone cookies and now I am craving them. I am a huge cookie monster. I can’t eat just one, especially the Lorne Doone cookies. Shortbread cookies are my favorite, next to chocolate chip. I was going to get the Mrs. Fields cookies but all they had was white chocolate. I am not a white chocolate fan.

I hope to do some writing today, but I am not going to force it. I have some ideas that I want to play with. I just hope it doesn’t trigger me into a psychosis while I am writing. That has been the main reason why I have been afraid to write this story that is in my head. I am afraid that if I write it, I will be persecuted for it or be watched by the FBI. I am still paranoid, a little bit and think that bad things will happen if I write it. But keeping it inside my head is hurting me. The voices have been kicking up again and I know it is a matter of time before my delusions start up again. I think if I write it out, I won’t be so delusional and might take the pressure off of me, somewhat.

Random 685

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I came home after I had my appointment with my pdoc. Before leaving, I went to say good-bye to my former coworker who is heading south. She will be leaving Boston and is such a good friend I had to say good-bye before she left. I also saw the lab manager. She is also a good friend of mine. We reminisced about our working days. But I think I stood too long as my ankle is very angry with me right now. It wasn’t hurting at the time or on the walk home. Soon as I was in the comfort of my home it flared up. I can’t win. This is why I can no longer work anywhere. Just a few minutes standing and I am in agony afterwards or later that night. It is very frustrating.

I talked to my pdoc about my writing and she said “You are writing again”. This was after I sent her a blog the other night. She gave me feedback on it, which I really appreciated. She really enjoys my writing, even if I think it’s crapola. I told her I wasn’t book writing and she just said, “take a break”. Stating the obvious, I know. She didn’t care what kind of writing I was doing, long as I sent her tidbits of it. I told her I was trying desperately to write a transference blog about my therapist but I just couldn’t hold on to the feelings. They were coming in spurts so I wrote in spurts. It was frustrating trying to blog yesterday. Then I got that article about counter-transference in my head and there went the blog. Just 300 words and that was it. I hate when I write short blogs. I sent it off to my therapist so she could read it, if it makes sense. I also told my pdoc that I get really down at night and it’s not funny. Past week I have been experiencing extremely low moods and agitation. Not a good mix when you are post suicidal. I told her every bottle seemed in danger of being taken as an outlet. I wouldn’t act on it. It’s just a rush of feelings I get at once and I want an escape, right now. I don’t do anything but ride the wave and perhaps take an Ativan to quell the agitation. I also told her the voices have been noisy lately as I have been talking to them more. I tend to talk more to them when I am agitated and annoyed. I was talking to them last night as I was laughing at Twitter and they wanted to know what I was laughing about. A conversation ensued. Thank goodness my mother is deaf or I would have some explaining to do! I wasn’t talking in my normal whisper, I was talking aloud, that was how wound up I was last night. The voices have been a part of my being since I was five. I don’t know how to live my life without them. They keep me ‘sane’. It is annoying sometimes as they are always watching me and commenting on what I am doing, or wanting to know what I am doing.

I didn’t wake up in pain this morning but I did wake up earlier than expected. I am tired now. I even had coffee today and I was in a good mood till I came home and my foot exploded. Being in chronic pain is exhausting. I just tried to go to the pharmacy but I bumped into my aunt and she said the lights are out. I will go tomorrow. I really wanted to have my prescription tonight but at least I have it. It came in the mail today.

Hate

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have been stuck on transference of my therapist since I wrote my last blog. I don’t know why, but I just hate her and I don’t want anything to do with her anymore. I want to end therapy. I know I get this way whenever she goes on vacation. The more she is away, the more I don’t want to go back to therapy. Then I feel guilty and try to get back the sessions I canceled. I go back and forth with this until I get settled back in. But this time it’s different. I really don’t want to go back or settle in therapy because I am feeling so much hate towards her. I don’t know where this hate is coming from. I don’t know if it is because she wants me still alive and I don’t want to be or because she went on vacation when I needed her the most. I know that sounds pathetic but it could be that I am hurt by her being gone and I just don’t know what to do but hate her. I don’t even want to talk about it, if only to spare her feelings.

I don’t like this hating my therapist. She technically didn’t do anything wrong. She didn’t disrespect me. She didn’t break any boundaries. All she did was try and save my life. And I can’t help but hate her for it. I feel the same way towards my pdoc. I guess what is really hurting me is that I haven’t expressed this hate towards either of them. I just go with the flow. In my family, if you hate someone, you don’t have anything to do with them ever again. My father has done this to numerous family members. That is why he is alone.

I am very tired as I didn’t sleep well. I woke up around 4, in pain. I took something for it and then went to sleep for a couple of hours. I finally gave up around 0930 when I couldn’t go back to sleep. I went to my father’s after I had my coffee. It was really good today. I don’t know what I did differently, but the flavors of the coffee were really full and rich. I need to get more half and half but it was too hot today to be lugging it in this heat. If I get a chance today, I will get my sister’s car and go to the grocery store. That is the last thing I need to buy. I bought my T-pass for the month so now I am broke. This sucks. But I should be getting my rebate from Sprint soon so that will be good.

What keeps ringing in my mind is an article I read a few years ago about counter-transference hate in relation to suicide. It was co-written by two Harvard University psychiatrists. To my knowledge, there has not been a paper about the patient’s experience of hate towards the therapist or psychiatrist and how it interferes with treatment. Way I feel right now, I just want to quit therapy, for good. I am just so damned pissed.

My pain medication prescription has not come by mail yet. I am almost out of my pain meds and it is creating anxiety for me. I only have the strong pain meds, but am reluctant to take them because 1) they aren’t for regular pain that I experience and 2) they constipate me really bad. I have to pick up my niece soon. I am hoping my therapist calls me because if she doesn’t, that will only make the hate worsen. Course, I do have the laziest mailman on the planet. We usually get the mail around 1 and lately we have been getting it after 1530. We literally never know when the mail is going to show up, if it is at all. This isn’t helping my anxiety around not having pain meds because I have to walk several blocks to pick up my niece. And it’s hotter than hell outside.

bad day turned good

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, depression, mood disorders

I had planned on going out today but my damn nerve injury is preventing it from happening. The Harry Potter books that I have ordered are on their way to being delivered. So I might as well stay home even though I want to go out. In a way it’s my fault the nerve injury is acting up today. I took too much stuff to relieve my constipation and now I am paying the price with loose stools.

I didn’t think nothing of the gas that I passed. Except the second one I knew that it wasn’t air. And when I got to the bathroom, I found out I shit my pants. I am in a really bad mood. I also feel dizzy for some reason. I am probably dehydrated from the runs. I just started drinking some powerade. I think I need to keep my fluids up because I feel weak as well. I have been having loose stool over the last several days, but today is the worse of it. I didn’t go to the bathroom on Saturday so I thought I was backed up. I guessed wrong. I am always in a sour mood when I shit my pants. I just want to go back to sleep and start the day over again.

I really wanted to get a coffee at Starbucks today, just to get out. I really have not left the house all weekend. Only time I left the house it was to go to Stop and Shop for my prescription and groceries, which only took about fifteen minutes to do (I am a fast shopper, get in and get out!) I only needed a few items and the check out line was quick. But because I can’t trust my bowels, I can’t leave the house and I don’t think coffee will be a good idea anyways. I bought my burgers so I might have that for lunch. I am still debating because I feel so weak.

I checked for mail and my Harry Potter books came!! I got so much reading to do!! And I am going to enjoy it! I love HP! I have been salivating over these books since I ordered them. It is kind of weird that I ordered my BP monitor first and the books came before the monitor did. I don’t care. I get to read the entire collection and I tend to get pretty engaged in the book. JK Rowling is a terrific writer! Better than I will ever be. She suffered from depression, too. Her life has not been an easy one. Did you know that HP got rejected like 55 times?? How is that for persevering. I will probably be done with the Chamber of Secrets before the BP monitor comes. HEHEHE. I am happy. I just hope my mood stays up, or at least this level while I enjoy reading my books! I will put aside the suicide research stuff for now. That makes me happy, too. But not as happy as HP, Hermione, and Ron.

The research stuff that I printed out over the weekend has to do with suicide and rumination. I will read it in between breaks from HP. I guess it’s good that my bowels were upset today because now I can just stay at home and read.