Tag: chronic physical pain

Solitude of my Room

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, suicidality

Solitude of my Room

I woke up in a terrible mood. It was too early to do anything. I just really wanted to go back to sleep, for good, but couldn’t. Around nine, nature was calling so I went downstairs to answer it. My mother was in the bathroom and made a snarky comment. It was too early for me to respond. So I just took the abuse, did my business, and then went back up to the solitude of my room. I had several hours before therapy, and after my mother left the house, I breakfasted. By the time I finished, it was too late to catch the bus to get coffee. Starbucks just came out with S’Mores frappucino. I am dying to try it. But I have been nauseous for most of the day with post nasal drip. And migraine activity. When I went out, the sun was bright, and I instantly got a migraine. I hate when bright light cause migraines that quickly. I really can’t wait to get my sunglasses Friday.

My therapy session was surrounded by my thoughts and feelings about my death. I really wanted to end my life tomorrow but I have no method, no quick and dry method, anyway. This depresses me more than anything. How can you kill yourself if you don’t have a plan of action? I am a failure.

My therapist was happy that I published my psychosis story. I am glad I published it too as I got a lot of likes for it within the first hour. Then it kind of tampered off, like it usually does. I thought of sending it to my psychiatrist but still not convinced I should. I know she likes my writing. Everyone seems to like it even though I think it is crap. My therapist asked if I read it before I posted it. I told her I didn’t. Why would I? I know what it is about, I wrote the thing! The thing that bothers me most is that I get no parental support for my writing. My father doesn’t or wouldn’t even know what a “blog” is, nor would he read it because he is illiterate. My mother doesn’t like the topic of suicide so she wouldn’t read my writing. Course, it would bother her. And it’s not like I would like her to read my blog, anyway. But she made it clear she didn’t like my book and that hurt more than anything.

My therapist then proceeded to hound me on what I am working on for my second book. Here I am in a suicidal mood and she thinks I am working on a second book. What for? Why bother? She then hounded me about my writing. I can’t catch a break with her. I am all out of ideas to write for my second book. The psychosis piece was my last addition that I thought of. I have another idea to write about my delusions but I am not sure if that will be triggering to me or not. Last thing I need is another psychotic break. I didn’t tell my therapist this. She went on about drivers and such. Drivers is her new word for suicidal impulses. It is the reason “driving” the suicidal thoughts. She wanted me to increase my pain medication or at least take it more regularly. If I take it anymore than I have, I might be overdosing on it. And that will defeat the purpose of saving my life. She knows my physical pain is what is “driving” me to think of ending my life. I just can’t get away from the pain. Every single night for the last month, I have been suffering terribly. And every night I think about ending my life. But I never think about the “how”. I am an idiot, I know. But my other methods have always failed me so I need something that will work. And I am tired, so very tired of just wishing my death.

I have been very solemn around my game. It ends tomorrow, I think at midnight. There has been no time frame given as to when it will end. I have been trying eagerly to get the pop up to end missions but have not gotten it yet today. I keep playing hoping it will appear. I am going to miss this game so much. I am close to finishing a couple of missions I have been working with for the last few months but I don’t think I have time to finish. Time is just not there to collect the stuff I need. It is really depressing me. I have played this game for years, annoying as it has been at times. But it passed the time adequately and gave me something to do during the day. It was a distraction that I needed from my thoughts. Now it is no longer going to be there and I am not sure what I am going to do with myself.

As You Turn Away

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain

As You Turn Away

I find this song fitting for how I feel today about things. I had therapy today and my therapist wants me to trek out tomorrow to see her. I don’t have any intention to do so. It will be the last time I see her and I think that will be harder on her. I really want to minimize my death as much as possible, should it happen this week. I am so torn. I want to stay but I don’t. I am tired of fighting the pain every day. I am exhausted due to lack of sleep all the time. I just don’t see how I can go on living like this. I am trying to but it just doesn’t make any sense.

My therapist did the SSF on me today. I don’t see the usefulness of it. But I let her have her answers. She filled in the blanks on reasons for living. And I just let her. I was too tired to argue with her. She read my short story on psychosis. She really liked it. She called it “scholarly”. I don’t know why she used that term as I didn’t use any clinical references at all in the story. It’s all autobiographical in nature about my psychosis episodes, minus the last episode. I really didn’t think the story made sense but she went off about how good it is and that I should get it published. I could tell she was trying to flatter me. She was going on and on how I can intertwine things in my writing. Anyway, I published it on my blog if you want to read it. It’s called “Psychosis is a Funny Beast”. I doubt it will ever see print in any other format.

Bad night of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

I’m typing this on my phone so if there are mistakes, that is why.

I am in horrible pain as I was expecting from my long day. I feel horribly depressed and suicidal. If I had something really lethal, I might try it. I don’t. I am very distraught that I have to go through another night of pain and misery. I guess it is good I don’t own any weapons. I always thought of purchasing a machete so I could hack off my ankle. Or fall on it to kill myself. But there are very few places that sell those kind of blades.

I often wonder why I am still living. I can’t stand the thought of going through another flare up because I wanted to have fun today. I love the Maya culture and I have missed out on so many things because of my disability. But this is the price I pay. Being in severe pain as I wait for my pain meds to do their job and knock me out in the process. I know in the morning I won’t feel so suicidal. But I am right now and that is why I am still up. Between the psychache and physical pain, I am under tremendous stress. I feel like I should do something. What, I am not sure.

I am so tired of being in pain all the time. It’s after midnight so my demons are coming out. Its a terrible thing to live like this day in and day out. I am exhausted. Being in chronic pain all the time just makes you exhausted and you don’t have to do anything to cause it. The pain just sucks whatever energy you have. Its awful.

I have been living in chronic pain for the last 3 years. You would think I would be used to it by now but I am not. It still drags me down to the abyss where I want to end my life and be done with this world. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. This needs to end. But how??

Day at the museum

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

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Day at the museum

I had fun at the museum. I learned a lot about the Maya, in more detail than I did while taking a class many years ago. I once wrote a Maya calendar paper. It was intricate and sometimes confusing. I have it in my archives if you want to read it. The pic in this blog post is my Maya date. The top part represent the bak’tun, tuns, and other stuff I can’t remember right now. The numbers with the dot separating them represents the Maya long count and the 9 Chickchan 13 Mak represents the animal year. I had fun but my ankle is not too happy with me right now. The movie we saw kind of made me nauseous, especially after we just ate. Eating before the movie probably wasn’t a good idea. I had to close my eyes during some of the movie.

I did a lot of standing, which made my ankle angry now that I am relaxing. I also did a fair amount of stair climbing, which also meant I had to go down the stairs. I got a good workout today. Kind of made me wish I had a salad for lunch rather than a cheeseburger. I am a sucker for a burger. I am wicked tired and probably won’t do anything tomorrow, unless my prescription gets filled at the pharmacy. I am having it transferred from mail order to retail because my doc fucked up the 90 day supply and just gave me a 30 day supply. I refuse to pay $20 when I can pay ten. I got my pain medication filled so I really don’t have to go back out today. I hope the transfer goes through in the next few days as I am running low on my BP meds. I didn’t think it was going to be a hassle but I guess it kind of is.

I was able to go to my happy place this morning before the trip to the museum. I wrote in my journal for a bit, like I usually do if I have time. I got the Tribute coffee, iced. It was good but I kind of wish I got a larger size. I have been getting a smaller size coffee to try and decrease the amount of calories I take in. It sucks! But with me not being active, it’s the little things I am trying to do.

I need a shower but there is no way my ankle is going to put up with that nonsense. It already is sending me fuck you’s. I guess I am in bed the rest of the night. This so sucks. But I have my game I can play and a book I can read if I feel like it. Sucks that in 3 days, I will no longer have my game. I really wonder what my FB feed is going to look like without my game feed. I am going to miss it terribly.