Tag: chronic physical pain

SSDD

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

SSDD

I didn’t do anything today. I woke up with a backache that prevented me from going to my niece’s birthday party. I just really didn’t want to be around people, especially as my stomach was giving me indications it might let lose. So between my stomach and back, I decided not to attend. I had a turkey sandwich and tater tots for my lunch and dinner. I really didn’t want anything else.

My mood is pretty low. I have a lot on my mind but I don’t feel like talking about it. Least not online anyways. I haven’t even made any FB statuses, except for baseball, on how I am really doing. I just want to hide away from everyone. The jerk who cut my hair, sprayed some cologne on me and it transferred to my tried and true baseball hat. Now I need to wash it to get the smell out. I have some sweatshirts that need washing so I can just throw it in there, but my biggest fear is that the hat will shrink. I already have a small, and I don’t need a tight fitting cap. We’ll see when I wash it. I certainly won’t be putting it in the dryer to dry.

I slept for most of the day. Only time I was really up was during the baseball game and having lunch/dinner. And what a fucking game it was. We lost 18-7. Damn pitcher came apart in the 3rd inning. It was the new guy, Miley. I really am not impressed with him. He can’t go longer than 2 innings! What the hell kind of pitcher is that?? He walked four men! He just totally sucks. And the relief pitchers are just as bad. When I stopped watching the game, it was 10-0. So, obviously, the O’s batted the hell out of the relievers to make it 18-7. Not sure how we scored the 7 runs as I wasn’t listening or watching the game. Maybe we had a chance of a comeback and then we got blown out. I will never know. I suppose I could check the box scores, if I was that interested. But I am not. Game is a loss.

I wanted to read but it never happened. I was too tired and in too much pain to sit long enough to do so. I really haven’t touched the book in a couple of days. I am just waiting for my new glasses to come to I can actually read without straining my eyes. When I posted my eyeglass update on FB, a good friend of mine joked that I am old, because I need multi-focal lenses. I had to laugh because he is older than I am by at least 2 years.

Tomorrow I am going to the science museum to see the Maya exhibit. I cannot wait. My friend is treating me and we will be seeing a movie at the Omni. I just hope I don’t get sick like I did the last time. This is a 3D movie theater and the motion of it can sometimes get me sick. Last time I went, I had to shut my eyes the whole time. It was not a fun experience.

This week is going to be difficult for me. My game ends on Thursday. I don’t think I am going to finish any of the missions, even though I have keys to finish it. I just don’t know what causes the pop up of the mission to finish. And once you use a key, the screen disappears. It doesn’t go back to the mission to finish screen. It is annoying me because I have 12 keys I could use to finish 12 missions. Once the game ends, I don’t know what I am going to do. I can’t play poker for more than a half hour at a time. It just gets boring after losing more hands than you win. I really am worried that I might just go insane with boredom.

I have a couple of phone calls to make tomorrow regarding my father. I have been putting it off for a while now and now that it is the end of the month, I have no choice. I hope I can call in the morning so that I am not on hold for too long. I hate being on hold!

just a quick blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression

Just a quick blog.

I took a nap around 1800 and just woke up about a half hour ago. I took my meds and now I feel myself floating away. All I have done today is rest. I never went to the pharmacy for my prescription. I will have to do that tomorrow. I am running low on my meds as it is.

I have been some what depressed today. All I had to eat was a steak dinner and some cheese. It was all I was really in the mood for. I have cold cuts I still have not touched. I probably will make a sandwich tomorrow. Maybe even make it in the toaster oven so it’s toasted. I haven’t been on the computer that much today. I mostly watched a couple of my programs and then took a nap. I was really tired.

Found out the Red Sox lost in extra innings and then the fans were asked to stay because there were protesters outside the yard. It wasn’t a peaceful protest. I don’t get why they have to do these stupid protests. This one was about a guy who died in police custody in Baltimore. I don’t think the city can help him now that he is dead. I guess people are thinking it is ok to do after what happened in Ferguson, details of which I am still trying to figure out. I know a cop killed a black man and all hell went lose after that. These are the only facts I know of the case. It is just sad that more and more people are engaging the police with weapons as if to taunt them and then when they get killed, there is an uproar. What are the police supposed to do, have a gun that could potentially go off, just waved in their faces? They are not trained to do that. I know there are good cops and bad cops. And unfortunately, the bad cops have ruined it all for the good. Now we don’t trust the police as we once did. It is sad.

I really don’t want to deal with tomorrow. It’s my niece’s birthday party. Kids are coming over. I think I will stay in the comfort of my home where it will be quiet. I might go down for a hamburger, but I got food in the house so maybe I won’t. I hate the fact that I have no appetite since I bought my groceries. It just sucks. I have been eating one thing and that seems to be it. If I have a bowl of cereal, that is it for the day. I hate it when my appetite is gone. But I ate good today. Just one piece of steak and potatoes. That is all I had to eat today. And some cheese. I was going to make a sandwich but I just couldn’t find the energy to make it. I hope I am hungry tomorrow. I really don’t want my cold cuts to go to waste.

Random 347

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I did a lot of walking today, more than what I normally do. I am hurting, a little bit, but it was worth it. I have to keep on trying to stretch my limits so I can hopefully get back to work sometime this year. I was really tired today but I forced myself to get up and go. I got my glasses and because the glasses were more than the sunglasses, I got the sunglasses free! I only paid for one pair. That is half of what I need. I also need to get the multifocal glasses, which I probably will get online, now that I have the pupillary distance that is needed. I also got a haircut today. It was done by the same guy but he gave me a different cut! This cut will last me a while, though not as long as if he cut it closer like the last time.

I didn’t know what to have for lunch so went to my favorite pizza place and had a slice. Even though I went to Starbucks today, though I didn’t stay to write or even have something to eat. I really wanted to get the glasses out of the way and then go home. I stood way too long trying to find a pair of glasses that I liked. I found a frame that was on sale and got that. The sunglasses selection was not that great. They must have had a few dozen to choose from, none of which really stood out for me.

I am not that pleased that my legs are killing me right now. Other than walking every day, I don’t know what else to do to increase my endurance. It really sucks that I can walk half a block and then my calves cramp up. I have to try and be more active. It’s the only way that I am going to increase my stamina. I think it might also help my mood. But I don’t want to suffer at night with big time pain. That is one thing I don’t need! Because even though I am feeling proud of myself for walking the distances I did today, if I am hurting later it will be for not. I will be really upset with myself. I have to conserve my energy for Monday when I go to the museum with my friend. I don’t plan on doing anything tomorrow. Sunday is my niece’s birthday party. I suppose I will show up for food and snacks, then make a get away.

Took a shower to get the loose hair off of me. It was really hot because my mother had just finished washing clothes. Felt really good though. Now I can go to sleep, hopefully. I was going to make a steak dinner but I don’t think I will. I am too tired to cook. If I get hungry later, maybe I will. I still haven’t made my fish and chips. I probably will make that sometime this weekend.

In a week, I will have new glasses. I hope that I see better. It’s getting tough to read the Idiot because the print is straining my eyesight. I have been reading a chapter at a time to get through the thick book. It is one of my favorites of Dostoevsky’s books. I am glad that I took that Russian class. I have always been fascinated by Russia, the old, not so much the new. The new Russia has been broken up into so many pieces that I don’t know it anymore. Hell, I don’t even know the European geography anymore as so many countries have formed. I would have to take a class to know it all again.

And just like that, my ankle is throbbing. Is it too early to go to bed at 1800? I really don’t care if I wake up later. I just don’t want to deal with this pain today. But I know that I taxed it a little bit more today than any other day. I really hope this doesn’t cause a flare up. My friend has timed tickets to the event we are going to on Monday. It will really suck if I can’t make it because of my bum ankle. I don’t want to get ahead of myself. I just took a couple of pain pills to head off more pain. I really don’t want this to turn into a flare up. Only thing I have to do tomorrow is go to the pharmacy to fill my pain med prescription. But I can do that on Sunday, if I want to just chill tomorrow.

can’t sleep 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Can’t Sleep 2

Seems I am re-using titles. No matter when you have almost 1100 blogs. I can’t seem to sleep and my grocery delivery will be here in about 8 hours from now. Least I hope I am the first delivery of the day. The text I got said that it should be delivered between 0730 and 0930. So I am hoping for the first slot. I got a lot of frozen items and I hope it doesn’t get canceled like it did the last time. I need my fish and chips. I will have that for lunch tomorrow!

I saw my father tonight as it was my littlest niece’s birthday today. I told him I would be over his house tomorrow afternoon and he gave me a look. I am doing him the favor so I don’t know why he just can’t take grace with that. Pisses me off.

I had asked my therapist kind of late to call me so we can talk a little. I hate when I leak. It always takes away my dignity, or what is left of it. I feel ashamed of myself for not even knowing my boxers were wet (see previous blog). I know it’s not my fault that I leaked. I just have mixed feelings down below and I don’t like it. That is part of the reason why I haven’t had a pap smear in almost 10 years. I hate them to begin with but I have been hounded long enough about getting one. I just most likely won’t feel anything because I am numb.

Another reason I can’t sleep, is because I am running a slight fever and I am hot. The bladder spasms have stopped but I still don’t know if I have a UTI or not. I used some test strips but they were expired so I can’t really trust them. My white blood count was slightly positive so I might have an infection. Great, just what I needed. And because I can’t feel things like a normal person, I never know if I have one or not. And I saw the doc today, which only makes things worse. If only I had the spasms while I was at the office. I could have left a sample and be done with knowing if I have an urine infection or not. Now I have to call the office tomorrow and see if I can be seen again. I might wait a few days to see if I get better. I will buy some cranberry juice and see if that helps me. It might just be nothing.

I took 2 ativans so I can try and get sleepy. I listened to the baseball game. We were winning and then the starting pitcher fell apart. I don’t know why they kept on saying he hit a “brick wall”. He wasn’t hitting anything, including the strike zone. He walked three batters. I don’t think that is hitting a wall. So we lost 7-5 because my *favorite* pitcher does what he does best, gives up a homerun. I fucking hate Mujica. He sucks and always will suck in my book. The game kind of got me riled up so that is another reason I can’t sleep.

I realized why I didn’t get the LTD payment yesterday. It’s because it’s not the 4th Tuesday of the month. Least I hope that is the reason. I hate these payment schedules for disabilities. It is so bizarre. I really hope that I get it so I can get my glasses and a new cell phone. But we’ll see. It’s less than a week away. I haven’t gotten any paperwork saying that my benefits are going to be canceled, which I think if my LTD was up, I would have. It would save me $133 in payments for my insurance.

I am very hot so I just turned on the ceiling fan. I hate these hot flashes that I have been getting. I told my doc about it and he didn’t say anything about it. He didn’t seem too concerned about it. I asked him if it was because I was on hormone pills and again, didn’t say anything. Frustrating!! He did want me to have a physical in 4 months. So I guess if the hot flashes are still continuing, maybe he will do something about it then. I see his NP for the pap in two months. That should be fun. It is freaking me out but I am trying to be calm about it. I will take an Ativan before hand so I am relaxed and not freaking out. Fucking hate being a woman, I really do.

my ankle is also giving me grief, just another reason why I can’t sleep. I have so many reasons tonight as to why I can’t sleep that it’s amazing just writing about it is not knocking me out.