Tag: chronic physical pain

Random Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide

I think I am coming down with something as I have never been this cold before in my life. I never had to wear double layers as I always have been hot. But the last few days, something has changed. I don’t know if it is my thyroid out of whack or this cold that I just can’t shake, but I am freezing most of the day. I am not running a fever, that much I know, which is good. I know it is cold out, and that doesn’t help my case. But I am not outside! I am inside where there is heat. I am under the blankets of my bed so I don’t understand why I am so cold.

I had therapy today. Nothing new was discussed. She got my letters finally and she was again in awe that I find lyrics that fit our situation. I also told her about a comment my newest blog follower wrote about me considering getting published in academia. I would really love that but unfortunately, I don’’ have the initials after my name to do that. Hell, I don’t even have a bachelor’s degree, yet. I also told her that I plan on submitting my TG piece to a contest that is gearing up soon. It’s kind of like crap but I think the message is that my being in the wrong gender is causing me to be suicidal. I hope I win, but you never know. I had it on my blog but took it down as it was only for my therapist to see. I wanted her opinion on it before I submitted it for a blog post. The blog post never materialized so I am going to submit it for the contest. I hope I win and don’t have to travel to receive the award. It would be so great to see Dr. Quinnett again. He is the guy sponsoring the contest, well his institute is. I will hopefully submit next week when the portal to do so is open.

We also talked about my not being able to accept praise. She then brought up the whole accomplishment assignment that I never did. It’s hard for me to write something positive about myself. I rather hear it from someone else because I don’t believe in myself enough to know it is true. All my life and still till this day, I have been told I am a nothing. Even if I got straight A’s, my father wanted me to get higher grades. Then he called me a liar one day and my life went down the toilet. I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t care if I lived or died. I tried to kill myself for the first time in my life because he made me feel so small. That is why I tolerate him from a distance. I do things for him only out of obligation because I am the oldest child but I don’t enjoy it. I rather have a root canal than spend time with him.

So anyways, it is difficult for me to come up with some self-appreciation, especially now that I am stuck in the middle of the abyss with this depression that came out of no where. I think I am on the mend but depression has its own way of showing itself. Just when you think you are getting well, you slip and fall back into the hole.

I have an appointment with my physiatrist (muscle and bone doctor) tomorrow at fricken 1030. I don’t know why I picked an early time. I just hope the weather is fair.

I have been trying to find the “suicide as psychache” book by Dr. Shneidman but haven’t been able to locate it. I know it is buried under some things in my room. But which things, I am lost. I don’t remember the last time I saw it. I should organize all my suicidology stuff one day. I have them scattered between my office and my room. If I could have them in one central place, I think that would help when I want to read something. It’s a shame I don’t know where my “Suicidal Mind” book is. I might have to buy another copy. I wouldn’t mind having two copies of the same book. In my mind, I need two because I am always misplacing one. Things aren’t considered lost unless they leave my house. “Suicidal Mind” is my favorite book by Dr. Shneidman. It “speaks” to me like no other book does, with the possible exception of Dr. Quinnett’s book, “Suicide the forever decision”. I am thinking of writing a review on the Suicidal Mind so it would be nice to re-read it.

UO VS OSU Ducks vs Buckeyes

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression

UO VS OSU Ducks vs Buckeyes

It’s college football night and my team, OSU is playing Oregon. So far the consensus is going for the ducks (UO) to win. We’ll see. I haven’t decided if I am going to watch it or just play by ear with Twitter. I am wicked cold right now, and am in double layers to stay warm, even though the heat kicked on about an hour ago. My room takes forever to heat because our heating system sucks. It only has two setting, freezing cold or blazing hot. I would like the cold, normally, but it is causing me to have cramps in my feet and I don’t like that!

I skipped my PT appointment today. I had to go to my father’s and there was no way I was going to do both. My foot is killing me because it cramped up on me, twice. I have been waiting for my therapist to text me with a time but it doesn’t look likely at this point. I am still feeling like a useless pile of shit but the feeling isn’t as big as an abyss. Yesterday was horrible but today is more manageable. I have noticed that when I am like this, it seems like forever to write a blog. I just am not too focused on writing because I don’t really know what to say. But then it is hard to think when your foot is throbbing really bad. And you are very cold and want nothing more to do with a laptop. You just want to get under the covers and sleep. I made that mistake last night. I went to bed at 1830 and then woke up around 0045. I then stayed up till I think 0400. It really did me in for today because I just wanted to sleep all day. I really just wanted to go to my appt and then go to the Square to cash my check and have coffee. But that was spoiled when my sister told me to go to my father’s to give him something. It was kind of good that I did go over there as they changed one of his medications so I had to make the change in his box. I didn’t stay too long. I just did what I had to do then high tailed out of there.

I waited for the bus at the station and there were junkies there. One woman looked so stoned she couldn’t stay standing up for too long. She kept bending over like she was going to fall over. I was hoping that she didn’t get on the bus I needed to get on. And she didn’t.

Don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I lost 11 followers on Twitter the other night during the Pats game. I think it was because either a) I was swearing too much or b) the bunch of new followers I got were bots. Or it could be that I didn’t follow back some of the people. I don’t follow back unless I know the person and we actually converse. I should have gave a warning that I was watching a game but neglected to do so. If I watch the OSU game tonight, I might be swearing if the game doesn’t go towards OSU. I was swearing a lot on Saturday because the Pats were playing like shit the first half. I get really animated in these games and I take it out on social media.

BUCKEYES WON!! National CHAMPIONS!! I am so damn happy!! And my favorite player, Zeke Elliot, got MVP of the game. I watched the last half (quarters 3&4). There were some moments I wanted to swear but I didn’t. And I loved the two interceptions the Buckeyes made to put them up over the Ducks. YAHOO!!

Lump of Coal

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I just woke up from a nap. It’s almost two in the morning. I am having a hard time going back to sleep. I don’t want to play my game because I know I will be up all night if I do.

I still feel awful. I think that is one reason I can’t sleep. I know I made the mistake of going to sleep before 2000 was wrong. I really was just expecting just to sleep for about an hour, take my meds, and then sleep for the night. That didn’t happen. Luckily my phone was beeping that woke me up to take my meds otherwise I might not have woken up. My battery would have been dead because I was playing my MP3 player. I had Mary Chapin playing. I am now playing Casey James’ new song “Fall Apart”.

I feel like such a loser. I finished my big blog post about CAMS and I should feel proud of that because it took so much mental energy to write it. But I don’t feel anything. I feel like a lump of coal. I hate feeling like this. I can’t say that I wish I was happy. I don’t believe in happiness. Like any other emotion, it stays with you for a little while and then disappears so why strive to be happy. I rather feel content. And I don’t feel that way right now. I have fallen into the abyss of depression. The black dog has returned. I don’t want to do a damn thing tomorrow but I have to go to my father’s to give him something that my sister bought. It’s supposed to be yucky out. I am not looking forward to going out.

Saturday I went over his house to fill his med case for the week. I wish someone would fill mine every week. He is so spoiled. But this way here I can keep track of the meds he is taking versus not taking. It is cold in my room. I just took off my long sleeved T shirt because I was hot and now I am cold. I better not be getting sick.

I just checked my stats for last night. HOLY COW. Before my nap, I was at 34 views of the day. It shot up to 82 after my blog posting. I am amazed at my readership. I thank you all for reading my blog, even though I think I write nonsense sometimes.

I just finished playing my game. I know I said I wasn’t going to play but I had some crops that I needed to harvest for a timed mission. I don’t think I am going to finish by the end. It is going to be very close if I do. I have 5 days to complete this mission and I still need a ton of stuff. Usually, I skip the timed missions because it is a pain in the ass, but this time I thought I would try it, just to challenge myself.

I am getting hungry. I should have brought up the yogurt my sister was going to give me. It’s the rest of the Greek yogurt my niece had for cooking. She made some amazing Greek yogurt sugar cookies that were so good. It was like a biscuit but a sugar cookie. It was very good. She also made some other cookies that were excellent. I don’t know how I am going to lose weight when I am surrounded by cookies. I am a cookie monster. It is my kryptonite. My niece also made a chocolate cake that was very good for my mother’s birthday. She made everything from scratch. She loves cooking my niece! She once made these scones that were out of this world. They were the best scones I ever had. Her boyfriend bought her a huge mixer for Christmas. She was so happy, she cried.

Yesterday, or should I say Saturday as it is now Monday? Anyways, as I was watching the previews to the football game, I was so emotional. I kept on crying. It wasn’t sadness that made me cry, it was sheer joy that the Pats were in the playoffs, again. I hope they are able to beat Luck and the Colts.

Meds are kicking in now so I think I will stop here and try and go back to sleep.

Quitting time

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, psychache, suicidality

Quitting time

Quitting time is one of my favorite songs by Mary Chapin Carpenter. It is the song that I sent my ex to officially break up. It didn’t happen. Months later she contacted me, then blocked me on Facebook and I haven’t heard from her since. I think I might have thought of it when I was going through some hard times with my therapist.

Right now, it feels like it should be my quitting time. I haven’t been able to get out of the funk I am in. My therapist is supposed to let me know if she has an opening tomorrow. I kind of don’t want to talk to her. I just want her to leave me alone. But the more I try pushing her away, the more sessions I get. It doesn’t go in my favor. I just don’t feel like talking when I am in this type of funk.

I am supposed to go to PT tomorrow but I might cancel it because of the weather. It’s supposed to snow and if there is a lot, I am not going out in it. My ankle is still going to bother me no matter what they try to do. I don’t think going to PT is going to help me. I was hopeful before but now, since I feel so hopeless, I don’t think the same way. I just feel so worthless and have the “why bothers”.

I got to call my doctor’s office tomorrow as I think I need something for this cough that won’t go away. It is worse when I go up stairs and I can’t catch my breath. Then I start wheezing. I just get so congested. I haven’t been running any fevers or feel sick. I just have this cough that just won’t go away.

I feel like giving up. I don’t have anything keeping me here. I feel so awful, day in and day out. Part of me knows this is temporary but I am just tired of fighting it all the time. Why can’t I just give up? Why can’t I just take my life? I am worthless and useless. I can’t shake these feelings. I have tried distraction, music, showering, etc. I still don’t feel any better. I am in pain with my ankle and that brings me down further. I really just want to end my life and be done with it. It’s quitting time.