Tag: depression

Marathon Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Baseball played six innings before the rain came down hard, delaying the game. It’s supposed to rain heavier as time goes on so it might be called, with my boys winning. But they have to wait a half hour before they can officially call it.

Today, I have been really emotional. Anything that has to do with the bombings, I cry. If there something momentous, I cry. I am taking a chance listening to country music right now as the flood gates might start up and I just won’t stop. I don’t know why I get like this sometimes. I don’t think I will be following Twitter today. Facebook just has my game feed so there will be no emotions there. I won’t go on the FB app on my phone because that gives me more updates and I just don’t want to cry.

I was having a nice dream when my mother called me. The back door was open and she wondered if someone had come through the house. I didn’t hear anything, but yet I was sleeping. She was panicked which woke me up out of my haze. I don’t know who opened the doors. It could have been the wind but my mother said she locked the door, so I don’t know. Nothing appears to be missing or wrecked.

Other than being emotional, I am really tired. I just feel like a lump on a log. I took a shower hoping it would energize me or something and it made me feel worse. I feel like I can take another nap. I could make coffee but that hasn’t been proven to keep me awake when I want to be. I just made a cup of tea to try and keep me up. I haven’t eaten lunch yet, though it’s three in the afternoon. Baseball game is still having a rain delay. It hasn’t been called, yet. They keep expecting it every fifteen minutes. I can’t stand to watch the TV or listen to the radio as the delay is going on. It has been an hour delay so they should be calling it soon.

I haven’t sold any books so far this month. It always depresses me until I get that first sale. But I haven’t been promoting my book too much. It’s hard to keep it fresh. There are only so many ways to say that my book is about suicide and how I got through it. And with Twitter, you can’t use the same tweet twice. That makes it more difficult!

Sunday 19-Apr-15

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sunday 19-4-15

I watched the baseball game this afternoon and missed chat. It was a good chat apparently. I am sorry I missed it. Instead, I watch my home team lose to the Orioles. It would have been a good trade off. Tomorrow’s game will be in the morning. I hope I get up early enough to watch it.

Tomorrow will mark two years since the Boston Marathon bombings that killed four people. I still don’t understand why they had to kill the MIT police officer. He wasn’t doing anything to cause them harm. They just went right up to him and shot him to death. That death haunts me more than the three that were killed in the bombings. Course all the deaths were meaningless. What did it prove, exactly? Now the guy will spend the rest of his life in prison, hopefully without parole.

Tomorrow is also the marathon so there is heightened security all along the route and especially at the finish line. There are going to be thousands of people running and spectating. I am not going anywhere near the city. I will watch the game and then probably just play my games.

I had a fight with my phone last night and today. After closing an app last night, the screen blanked out and nothing happened. Then I kept on hitting the power bar to get it to turn on and nothing happened. Today, I was trying to call my mother and the contacts kept crashing. This is after a restart. I think I am going to finagle getting a new phone this week. If it can’t make phone calls, what is the use of the phone?? I know I use it more for the apps and stuff, but seriously, I do need it for calling people. It is my lifeline.

My sister gave me a neat gift card for some vegetable delivery service. Turns out it is a meal delivery. They send you the ingredients and recipe for the meal you want to make. It sounds pretty good but if they are offering a $40 gift card to start, I wonder how much one meal can cost! I will look into it later and see if it is easy. Maybe if I can afford it, I don’t always have to worry about what my mother makes and can actually cook for my mother for once.

My mood has been good today, despite my boys losing. I threw out my back today while sneezing. This is the second time in about six months this has happened. I am not wishing I did something to warrant my back going out, but sneezing is an automatic impulse. You can’t stop a sneeze and if you try, you get hurt. I wasn’t stopping the sneeze, but I had my legs crossed and slightly leaned forward. That was all it took to aggravate my sciatic nerve. I am having pain go right down my right leg. I hope I didn’t do anything more than that. I just took some pain meds to ease it up and tonight I will take an extra Ativan to help relax the muscles a bit. Thing is, I know my right hip/back is weak. Has been since my surgery 14 years ago. I never regained strength and when I sneezed back in November, I tossed it out again. I was really hurting and never really recovered. I hope this episode quiets down before my appointment on Wednesday with my PCP. I really don’t want to go back to PT for this problem if I don’t have to. If I do, I rather go to the PT place down the street from me. It will be less of a hassle than going into Boston. But we’ll see how it goes.

Yesterday, I got my first issue of Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior journal for the year. Since I am a member of the American Association of Suicidology, I get the issue free, which is probably why the cost of membership is so much. There is an interesting article on Non-Suicidal Self-Injury (NSSI) that I am going to read when I am up for it. There is also an article on Interpersonal therapy with adolescents. I am glad to be reading academic articles again! I am a nerd!

In a writing mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

In a writing mood

I had my coffee soon after I woke up and now I got the “writing bug”. I have been reading my old blogs from two years ago. The sentiments are the same. I go to Starbucks, have coffee, and then talk about how I am going to end my life because I just can’t stand it anymore. Funny, it’s two years later and I am still here also talking about the same shit. I guess the saying, “same shit, different day” applies.

I am trying to be hopeful but it is very difficult. I emailed my psychiatrist and asked her why I should continue living. Point blank. No beating behind the bushes. I have been in a pain flare up the last two days and it has shaken me to my core. I really don’t know why I am still here. Fear perhaps, that I will again fail to execute my intentions. Fail to actually succeed in ending my life. And this fear somehow keeps me from going through with my half-assed plans.

In one of the blogs I was reading, I was saying how I was going to go take a summer college course. I never did. The money ran out before I could take it. I had a wedding to attend that year and also had to finish paying off the debt I owed the college. That didn’t leave me with much left over. Now that I am getting my LTD payments again, though not in the amount it once was, I can maybe get new glasses. Thing is I have to get two pairs, one a single vision and the other bifocal. If there is anything left over, I would like to get prescription sunglasses. This will beat having to figure out a slip on kind. I don’t know. Either way I need to see as the pairs that I am wearing are out of date and are causing me problems. Even word I have to have it on 150 enlargement to see what I am writing. And that is with my glasses!

I also want to get a new cell phone as mine is slowly shitting the bed. Last night, I couldn’t get it to turn on. I don’t know how many times I was hitting the power button to get it to turn on, unsuccessfully. And now, every other call I get “contacts not responding” message. The phone is almost three years old, same as my glasses. Guess you can say, it is a dinosaur. But I will continue to use it until I know I can afford an upgrade. But my glasses must come first.

I was finally able to take a shower today. The pain in my foot has gone down enough that I could stand for a few minutes to shower. It’s a cool day so I didn’t put the heater on in the bathroom. I wish I did, because when I got out of the shower, I was freezing! My feet were especially cold so when I went back up to my room, I immediately put on socks to prevent cramping. My pain increased slightly, but not enough to warrant taking a pain pill. I see my PCP this week to get my monthly refill. He is not going to be happy with my weight as I have not lost any since I saw him last. I fucking hope he doesn’t bring it up because I will be flip with him. Losing weight is on the bottom of the list right now because I am still struggling to prevent myself from killing myself. So does it matter? I got other things on my mind and it isn’t like I am eating junk food every day or even take out. I just am not active enough to lose weight and I can’t be active because it brings on pain. I have tried to cut the calories, drink more water, etc., but the weight still won’t shed a pound. I needed two days to recover from my one day of going over my limit. That hasn’t happened in a while. And, hello, but if I wasn’t in pain all the time I wouldn’t need pain medication. Thus, losing weight might be easier. But I know it’s his spiel. I just find it harder to swallow than my pills and it just reinforces more hate toward myself because I used to be such an avid walker. It also makes me sad because I can no longer do the things I used to do to control my weight. When I was working, I could have salads and grilled chicken sandwiches. Now I don’t remember to buy lettuce and then when I do, my mother boils it if I don’t use it in a few days time (don’t ask, I think she is part Irish). Salads never really filled me unless I had some protein to go with it. And I am not keen on boiled eggs in a salad. I much rather have chicken. But that means preparing and cooking and I can’t do that because I can’t stand too long. Just making a batch of cookies one time killed me. I can’t imagine what making a few pieces of chicken will do. But I think they have pre-packaged grilled chicken so problem solved. I will get that the next time I go food shopping! It won’t be the same as the kind at my work (theirs was fresh off the grill) but at least it helps me off my feet and maybe helps me to lose weight. I don’t know, I am just throwing my thoughts out there.

two days of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

I woke up around 0630 in pain, again. It was the continuation of last night. I took some pain meds and then hobbled to the kitchen to make some breakfast. After that, I went back to sleep and stayed asleep until my mother called me around 1515. I heard her come home and was going to yell at her for not telling her second mother (aka my aunt, her sister) that she went to the doctors this morning. My aunt, who definitely has an anxiety disorder, was flipping out because she couldn’t contact my mother. She was calling the house like every fifteen minutes. I luckily had turned off my phone because if she woke me up, not like she didn’t with the million phone calls to my mother’s line, I would have screamed at her. She left me a panicked message and then when I called she was even more panicked but sly. She said she was going to go to the house (which I doubt as she never goes anywhere outside her home). She lives a few houses down from me. But the whole situation and the excess worry was for nothing. She had forgotten my mother told her she was going to the doctors and when she couldn’t remember, she was in a panic of her own anxiety making, calling the doctor’s office to see if she was there. Surprising to me that the office would tell someone that they were at the office given that is what HIPPAA is all about. I guess someone didn’t care this morning and gave my crazy aunt the information she was looking for. Not ever going to that doctor’s office. I am just bullshit that my sleep got interrupted, again by this crazy bitch. And it’s not like she waits three rings, nope. She calls and lets the phone ring for an eternity or at least until the damn answering machine kicks on. I am so annoyed. When my mother called me around 1515, I did yell at her. I don’t know why my aunt is so fucking nervous about not getting in touch with my mother fifty times a day. And if she doesn’t get a hold of her, she fucking panics, like the world is coming to an end.

I tried going along with the conference tweeting today but I just wasn’t as interested. They had someone tweet Jobes this morning and the tweeter kept misspelling his name, so I would modify the tweet and correct it. She has done this a few times in the last day or so, misspelling people’s names. And it is annoying me. Get it right or don’t tweet at all, for crying out loud. People are not going to know who Jones is or Quinet. Then I got a tweet that one of the past presidents of AAS was doing a panel with students. I cringed. I hate this guy and the fact that he is trying to influence fresh minds, well, it bothers me! He just rubs me the wrong way.

I still am in pain and might go back to sleep. I emailed my psychiatrist with a “why” subject line and then realized, I never asked her a question. She never responded. I might email her again and ask what is the point of living this crap when I am in pain all the time. And I don’t mean mentally this time. Two days of being in pain is not fun. I really feel like a HUGE hypocrite because I am for suicide prevention for others, just not my own. I know one day I will die by my own hand. Question is when.

I just am not a happy person. I have accepted myself as being chronically depressed. I don’t think things are ever going to get better, for me, anyways. My mood is like the stats of blog. One day I might be hitting 80 views and the next I might hit 9. Or vice versa. I never really know who will be reading my blog just like I don’t really know how my day is going to go. I do know that if I am in pain, I am screwed. I stay home, I don’t go out. I take my pain meds that either knock me out or keep me up. I am just glad I have Starbucks coffee that I make at home. It might not keep me up the entire day, especially when I take my meds, but it sure clears the cobwebs so I can write or read.

Right now I am reading The Idiot by Dostoevsky. My therapist asked me what it was about and I wouldn’t tell her. I was not in the mood to give her a book report. Frankly, this book has taken so many turns in the first part that I don’t think I am following it. But it keeps you wanting more, and so I read more. I haven’t read it in a few days because my head just couldn’t get into it. Plus, the print of the book is tiny and I am having trouble reading it as my glasses are now expired. I hope with the new set of glasses, the print is better. I am going to get new glasses sometime next week, if I can get to Harvard. But it all depends on if I get my LTD payment or not and my level of pain. I really wanted to get out today but waking up before 0700 just sucked and I got depressed. I said the hell with it. I didn’t even make coffee today.