Tag: depression

Push

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain

Still in a bad mood. Don’t feel like talking much to anyone. Even my therapist got my growls today. I feel hungover but I haven’t had alcohol. I was hoping coffee would wake me up but it didn’t, least not yet. I bought my new coffee, which I hope to have tomorrow morning. I haven’t decided if I am going to get my hair cut again or not. I have to do an errand for my father tomorrow before I go to his house and will be walking right by the barber’s shop. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

I made an appointment for my eyes for Friday morning. I will then pick up my prescription for my pain meds. I haven’t decided when to make my cookies. I got all the stuff I needed yesterday after my therapy appointment. I even got bacon just because it was there.

I told my therapist I need to get a new pair of sneakers. But they are freaking expensive. I haven’t had the luxury of buying sneakers in three years. And now that I don’t need to wear the AFO, I can get regular sneaks. I used to have to buy one size bigger than the other so the AFO can fit, which meant buying two pairs. It sucked because I had an unmatched pair.

Foot and leg are hurting today. I might end up taking some pain meds and call it a day. I thought I would have energy after my coffee to make cookies but I don’t. My mother will be making dinner soon so I really can’t be messing up the kitchen now. Maybe later tonight. I am still waiting for the butter to get soft. I forgot to take it out last night. I bought both the Giardelli and Hershey’s chocolate chips as I just couldn’t decide which one to get. I plan on making two batches of cookies. Whether that will be one tonight and one tomorrow, or both tomorrow, remains to be seen. I really don’t have the energy to do much of anything. Just going out today for lunch and a coffee was difficult. I didn’t even write in my journal like I usually do.

I think my therapist wants more letters as she wants me to write about my broken heart. No one caused it, least not that I know of. I just know my heart feels like it has been broken in two and I don’t know why I feel this way. Just one day a few weeks ago, I was in immense pain and I have been like that ever since. My psychiatrist is back in business so I don’t have to worry whether I am going to see her ever again. I am sure I can call her and make an appointment sooner than two weeks if I need to. But I don’t want to be seen. How can you describe your heart being broken into millions of pieces when there is no cause? I haven’t suffered a loss. Sure, my game is ended but my heart broke before I found out. I just am so incredibly sad. Baseball season is going to start next week so I should be in better spirits. But as I recall last year, I was feeling the same as I am feeling today. I have no interest in baseball right now, and anyone that knows me, knows that is not a good thing. But I also have no interest in writing about it. I might write her a letter tonight and then post it as a blog password protected. This just saves me from using a stamp in mailing her a letter.

Long Ass day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, suicidality

I woke up at fricken 0630 this morning in pain. I didn’t take a full dose of my pain meds because I had to be up in a couple of hours to start my day. I saw my therapist and I told her how depressed I have been feeling. I also gave her a packet of stuff to read, including a letter. We discussed the letter in detail, though not specifically. I think Hyde is trying to come out as I want to write goodbye letters and notes. It’s becoming more of an itch lately. Just in case something were to happen to me, at least there will be documents left behind. You never know when your time is going to run out. I told her I plan on writing my psychiatrist a goodbye letter. That is going to be the hardest thing for me to write because I have known her for so long. Twenty years is a long time to know someone.

We also talked about how similar my writing and Dostoevsky’s are. I sent her a text message last night and she wasn’t sure it was me or Fyodor. I basically told her I was surrounded by death yet none of it is keeping me here, or something to that effect. I have been in one of my severe depressive moods the past 24 hours, even despite being on an antidepressant. And it is true what I wrote. I am surrounded by suicide manuals and textbooks and other types of books yet none of them eases my pain or decreases my suicidality. I feel hopeless that this will change. It’s like I have been searching through these books hoping to fix myself and I just haven’t found the right piece of the puzzle. I thought I had found the answer with CAMS but it doesn’t sustain me. I still retreat into suicidality. and then I think what good am I? How am I supposed to help someone when I can’t even fix myself?

Today is my father’s birthday. I wish we had celebrated at home. My nephew, and I do love him dearly, talked non-stop the entire time. At one point, I told him to breathe and to think for a bit. When that didn’t work, I plainly told him to shut up. He was coming up with the weirdest ideas, thinking he was funny. But in reality, he was just annoying. I never knew him to be this way before. Then he told me my mood was setting him off. I asked what mood that was. He said the mood of not wanting to be here, to be somewhere else. He was right about that. I was bored, tired, and I just wanted my pillow.

My father was annoying as usual. I am glad I sat at the end of the table away from him. He was proud of himself because he finished his meal. How satisfying that he ate a meal and drank a few glasses of wine. Congrats, daddio. Big fucking deal. I am in a mood, a rotten one.

I have therapy with my therapist tomorrow and I don’t want to. I am just sick of talking. I just want to be left alone, with my aloneness, as Lincoln would say. But she won’t have it, the bitch. Anyways, it’s too late to cancel anyway, not like she would. I really should just go to bed before Hyde comes out. I know he is itching to write but I can’t let him. I will let him write in my journal where it is more private.

I witnessed a terrible accident while driving home from my therapist’s office. I don’t think I am going to take the highway home anymore. I am being too traumatized by it. This car had rolled over and most of the contents of the vehicle were spread out on the highway. It was so sad but cars were crawling to look and I just wanted to get the hell home without hitting anybody in the process. I can still see the car’s underside as it was flipped on its side. So damn scary. I don’t know how cars can rollover like that, especially in a tunnel. I am just grateful the car didn’t spark a fire, despite the dust cloud it created. That was more scary than the car turned on its side! From now on, I will just take the back roads home. It takes longer but at least it’s safer.

two cups of coffee kind of day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Paranoia, psychosis

I am babysitting my niece because she is sick. I told her I am planning on making malted chocolate chip cookies and she looked at me funny. She never has seen me bake before. I still am undecided as to which kind of chocolate chips to use for baking these cookies. I might make two batches. One batch, I plan on substituting ½ cup of oatmeal for flour. I think it will come out good, least I am hoping it will. I have been watching my niece since early this morning and just had my second cup of coffee. I can’t be sleeping on the job. She is 9 and can do her own thing, but I still need to keep an eye and ear out for her.

Soon as her mother comes home, I am taking a long, hot shower. I am cold and stinky as I didn’t take one yesterday like I wanted to. I fell asleep soon after I published my blog and didn’t wake up till around midnight. I stayed up for a few hours until my meds knocked me out again. I didn’t mean to sleep so soundly but it just happened. I think if I had taken the alarm off for my meds I probably would have skipped my meds and slept through the night, possibly.

I emailed my psychiatrist this morning to tell her I am feeling less paranoid than I was last week and that I am feeling a little bit better. She wants me to keep her informed, so hence the email. I think the increase in the trilafon has helped me. I no longer feel like people are watching me all the time. And my stress levels have been down, though they will be up again tomorrow when I see my father. He better be satisfied with what I give him and not complain like he did last year. Otherwise, it will be the last birthday gift he ever gets from me.

I was talking with a friend today. His birthday was yesterday. I totally forgot to call him so I am glad he called me today. He wants to have a get together with my friends that are south of Boston. The plan is to meet up on the 8th of April. I just hope that my leg pain is still nil and that I can walk without pain. He also wants to go to the Museum of Science because they have a Maya exhibit. I am a Maya freak. I have studied them while I was in college and find them fascinating. It will be interesting to see this exhibit. I have to find out if my sister is still a member of the museum so I can get in for free.

I have been reading more of the “Idiot” while I have been babysitting. I find the story interesting and I am wondering if I can write like Fyodor. I am totally in love with his style of writing. I just don’t think I can write fiction like he can. I am still thinking of writing up my story of the delusions but changing the names of the Goa’uld to something else so I don’t get in trouble for copyright issues. I think it will make a good short story. I will also have to change ISIS to something else. I am sure my brain can come up with something.

My sister went to the funeral today. It was sad and a lot of people went. I am not surprised. I have seen young peoples wakes and funerals be very long as they know a lot of people. My friend Danielle’s wake was like that. I must have been in line for at least a half hour before I even entered the room she was in. I was thankful the casket was closed because I would have lost it. I still feel the pain of her loss. We weren’t close as we lost touch over the years but we were good friends in high school. She died last year at the age of 37 from complications due to diabetes. Our whole class was heartbroken.

I think later today I am going to work on my psychosis story now that I have the brain power to do so. I just have to input the corrections I made while editing the story. It is cold out today so I don’t think I will be going out, especially after I had two cups of coffee at home. I am going to be wired for the day so need to focus my energy on something productive, like my writing. Maybe I can add the delusional thinking to the psychosis story and I don’t have to create a new document. There is an idea!! And with me adding to the story, it will be longer than three pages! Sweet.

One of my blogger friends posted a “get to know me” blog but it had over 100 questions. I don’t have the patience to answer over 100 questions. The last “get to know me” blog, I wanted it to be over after the 10th question. I might do it though, but now right now. I am still too paranoid to be putting myself out there.

I am still sad that my game is coming to an end. I have lost the will power to play but continue to play for those players that, like me, will be playing till the end. I have over 900 friends on FB, most of those are my gaming friends. Eventually I will weed them out. I already have deleted some that are annoying and are blaming Zynga for stupid shit. I understand they are upset but why attack someone that is not going to be paying attention to what you are fucking writing! Makes no sense.

I have started a new food shopping list on my phone so I remember what I have to buy for my cookies and for the month. Tomorrow I will have my sister’s car and I hope my LTD payment comes in so I can do the shopping. Otherwise, I am going to have to wait until possibly Thursday. I was thinking about getting the Galaxy S5 with this payment but I might wait until the S6 comes out. I will know then that the price of the S5 will go down. Only trouble is, they are being cryptic with the release date! Pisses me off when they just send you an email saying be on the look out and not give you a time frame for something. For all I know, it could be three months from now before the phone becomes available. I won’t be getting it, just want to know when the price will drop for the lower model. I am going to assume that the S4 will become free and the S5 will be $99. Least I am hoping this because right now it’s $200, even with my upgrade discount. And the only reason I am considering getting a new phone is because my phone keeps crashing apps, even if they are not in use! For example, my Walgreens app was crashing and I hadn’t used it in a few weeks. And now my contracts crashes after I look up a contact. It’s bad because sometimes I cannot close the crash report window in order to end a call. Just fucking stupid. But then I have had the same phone for almost three years. There is a new Nexus available but it’s like a tablet. I can’t imagine talking on the phone with something that big, not unless I was using a headset. The price for that phone is the same as the S5 so there is that. I just want to see it and play with it first to see if I like it. Unfortunately, when I was at the Sprint store, the model was “dead”, meaning it was a display model and not a “live” model like some of the other stores have. I actually prefer to go to the store in Brookline as I like their customer service better. I have always gone there with my phone issues and upgrades. But, we’ll see. I will wait for the S6 to come out before getting the S5. I just hope my current phone can endure the wait.

feeling better today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, psychosis

Feeling better today

I woke up early this morning (before 7), made breakfast, and then went back to sleep. I should have made coffee but I didn’t feel like it. I need to start using my half and half before it gets bad. I know one of them is expiring soon. I will make coffee tomorrow as I am not planning on going out. My last two orders of Brazil coffee has not been satisfactory. And besides, I am running low on my Starbucks funds until Wed when I get paid next. I have a little grocery shopping to do. I just hope that I can make the cookies I want to make. Sometimes the depression gets the better of me and I end up doing nothing. My thoughts are a little bit more coherent though I still believe aliens have invaded the militant group.

I think the trilafon at night has been helping me stabilize during the day. I was talking to a good friend today and I told her my thoughts about the militant group, including the alien part. She just “okayed” it and that was the end of the conversation. Just as well. I really didn’t want to ramp up my feelings on the matter.

I think I need to take a shower today but I just don’t have the energy. I just want to sleep. I hate when I wake up early and then go back to sleep. It wrecks the day and sucks whatever energy I had into an abyss. It really sucks because I got nothing done today. I really would like to change the sheets on my bed but it is always a hassle because I have to get the stuff off my bed. Last time it took me close to a week to change the sheets. I kept on getting one or two items off the bed until it was a manageable pile. Then I had to psych up some energy to actually get the sheets off the bed. It never was this difficult when I had a twin size bed. But then, there would be no room to put my stuff on my bed! I don’t even sleep in the middle, I sleep on the left side of the bed and I stay there. But that is the struggle I face. Wrestling with bedding and my “office”.

In a few weeks, I should know if I won the writing contest I entered at the end of last month. I am anxious to know if I won or not. After the winner is announced, I plan on posting it on my blog. It’s a piece about being transgender.

I didn’t go to the wake today. I kept on reading what my cousins were posting on FB and I just started bawling. There would be no way for me to keep my composure knowing my cousin was hurting so much.

Have I mentioned how tired I am? Think it is going to be an early night for me. I really can’t stay awake and it’s only around 1830. Maybe I will have a shower and it will wake me up. But like the bedding, I really don’t feel like showering. I really just want to read “The Idiot” until I pass out. I love Dostoevsky’s writing. It is so similar to my own. Back is aching so I should be lying down soon. I can do that while reading. Myshkin is a wonderful character in the book. I believe it is really the author who is writing his experiences. And I have a similar disposition like the author. He wrote the book while he was in a depression and I am reading it while in a depressive state. And he loves run on sentences. I think that is why his books are so thick. He just kept writing and writing until all the words ran dry.

I don’t have therapy tomorrow. But I am planning on seeing my therapist on Tuesday if I can get my ass up by 0900. I have to take a bus to my sister’s work to borrow her car. I figure I can get a coffee and then make the trip in no time. But it all depends on my energy levels and such. And if I have pain the night before or not. Lately, my pain has been minimal, aside from my back pain. My ankle/foot has been behaving the last few days. Which is curious because I have been more active the last few days and usually when I am active, I am in more pain. I haven’t done more walking than I usually do, just been going out more than I have since the weather has been nicer. Maybe the AFO was causing me more harm than it should have. I haven’t used it since October when I had PT in the next town over. The PT guy said I didn’t need it anymore so I stopped using it. It is curious that the rest has helped heal me. I am not saying I am cured but I have been in less pain since I have stopped working. But, here is the rub: if I don’t pay attention to what I am doing, I will have a flare up. I know my walking distance is 0.4 miles. If I exceed that, I am hurting. Luckily, my sister’s place is around 0.4 miles so I am saved, as long as I don’t walk back to the train station. Then, it is 0.8 miles and I am going to hurt. Once the weather is a bit warmer, I plan on trying to work on an exercise program to increase my walking distance. I will start with walking to the grocery store, which is 0.6 miles twice a week and then slowly increase it. I will just take the bus home so I am not doing 1.2 miles. That will come when I am ready. This is the plan I have in my head and now on my blog. Whether it will come to fruition, only time will tell.