Tag: depression

back to good

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Back to good

This song was playing as I started typing and thought it was a good song.

I’ve had an okay day. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription and when I came home, I filled my box for the week. I don’t have any plans for tomorrow. I realized while filling my box that I will run out of one of my meds by the end of the month so placed an order to fill it. I will pick it up tomorrow. I think I will be going out to get Starbucks but I might not. Depends on if my ankle is feeling up to it. I went to my brother in law’s birthday party. I originally planned on staying until the cake was presented but then my loud mouthed cousin came over and I quickly made an exit. I just cannot stand her. The pressure of my mother’s side of the family is too great for me to bear right now. I just cannot tolerate their stupidity.

I had my chat group tonight. I always feel like I don’t make a difference in these chats. I participated a little bit but was not really understood. It gets to be annoying. But the hour passed quickly and then I left. I don’t think I will go to the next one. It’s just annoying me more than being useful.

I really need to get cracking on Dostoevsky’s book. I can’t believe I already am up to chapter 11. The chapters are short enough but I found that reading them after I take my meds is not a good idea. I end up reading the same paragraph a few times before I finally doze off. I then have no idea what I read when I wake up. You would think with my game closing, I would have more time to read. But I like to give rewards when I can and I have renewed my poker fix by playing again. It’s not the same as the game is kind cheats. It won’t give all the chips to the highest playing card. It sort of splits it off so if there are a million chips in one pile and you have a pair of queens but the main pot goes to a full house which is half that, the queens gets the million and you get half a million. It is so annoying. And I still lose, no matter what. For every ten hands I lose, I might win two.

I was supposed to take a shower today. I just don’t feel like it. My ankle hurts too much to try an stand on it for even ten minutes. I should have taken it earlier when it wasn’t hurting so bad. But lately, I just haven’t been feeling like doing anything. I just want to veg. After the week I had last week, I think I deserve a day where I do nothing. Yesterday I did nothing but sleep and I thought that would help my ankle but it doesn’t like stairs lately. And unfortunately, I have a flight to go up and down to go through the house. I hate when my ankle protests doing the stairs. I go down one at a time but going up is what really hurts me. I cannot go up one step at a time. I just can’t. I tried it but it just feels weird.

My mood is no longer up. I have plateaued. I have reach an even mood, which is kind of scary because I can either become psychotic and delusional again or just crash heavy in the pits of depression. There is usually no gradual descent into the pit. It’s just WHAM, there. The psychosis takes a few days to get a hold but I am on medication so I don’t think that will happen. I am just going to crash and burn. The only question is when.

Sleepy Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

Sleepy Saturday

I took my meds this morning and I guess the baclofen along with the trileptal kicked my ass. I was knocked out by 1330. I just woke up about a half hour ago. I had something to eat and then had one of my cookies. My mother made her chocolate chip cookies but they didn’t taste as good as mine.

I had a good nap but now I can’t go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription as they are now closed. I hate that they close early on weekends. I will have to pick it up tomorrow. Tomorrow is my brother in law’s birthday party. I have no idea who is invited and who will show up. I will make an appearance and then quietly leave after the cake is served. I will be putting out my cookies. I am sure they will be gone in a flash. Despite them being a malt cookie, they don’t really taste like it. They are just really chocolaty. But then I had to use chocolate malt because it was the only kind of malt Stop and Shop had. I was really shocked they didn’t have any other kind other than Ovaltine. I am not sure if I will be using the rest of it. I never had Ovaltine before. I will try it and see if I like it. I really don’t want it to go to waste as it was $5 for the can. I might make the cookies again and, as my niece suggested, use parchment paper so the cookies don’t stick to the pan. I wonder if it will stick to the paper though? That will suck!

I really need to control my spending but I have no control. Yesterday was hypomanic for most of the day. I emailed my psychiatrist and she thinks it might be the abilify causing my mood to be elevated. I don’t care. I rather be up than down. But today I am kind of on the downside of things. I am not depressed, just a little sad. I found out my new favorite catcher is hurt and is out of the ballgame for a while. Now they have another no name catcher. I haven’t seen him play all spring so I don’t know if he is a good replacement or not. I feel bad for the hurt catcher because he is young (in his early 20s). I don’t know what is wrong with his elbow. He just had an MRI yesterday so results probably won’t be available until Monday or Tuesday. I just hope he doesn’t have to have surgery.

My spending is on take out food. I bought a steak and cheese sub and a half pizza today with fries. I was craving it so I ordered it. I have been feeling guilty since I bought it. I know I am going to regret it because I could have used the money to buy my fish and chips, which would have lasted longer than the take out food. I usually buy a big bag of Gordon’s breaded fish and then a bag of tater tots, hence, fish and chips. Now I am not sure I can get them. My gluttonous habits suck. Least the pizza will last a day or two. I love eating cold pizza.

I have been staring at an article about Edwin Shneidman the last few days. I have been meaning to read it but just haven’t had the motivation to do so. I am sure I will find something useful in the article relating to how to prevent suicide and make me feel better because reading about Shneidman always makes me feel better about my suicidal thoughts. He gets how suicidal people can become. And I actually met the author that wrote the article, Dr. Antoon Leenaars. He is a wonderful guy. I met him when he was in Boston for the 41st annual AAS conference.

hyped up and hypo again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hyped up and hypo again

So the past week I have been in a hopeless, depressed mood. Now today, I had my coffee, nothing different, and I am feeling hypomanic. I am so hyped up and I don’t know why. I got done all the errands I needed to do. My foot is thanking me kindly because it didn’t like the extra trip I made to get a few legal pads so I can write. I am running low on my paper. I didn’t get that much sleep last night. I slept maybe 5 hours, if that. I had to get up early for my eye appointment. It went well and as I suspected, my vision has changed and I need new glasses. I got two prescriptions, one for reading and one for bifocals. Don’t know where I am going to get the money for both these glasses. I might not be able to get my sunglasses like I want to. But we’ll see next month how much everything will cost. I will shop around for the cheapest price. I have no choice.

I started a letter to my therapist last night. I really don’t want to read it. I know it started off with the usual pleasantries and then went off the deep end. I was in a real mood last night, which is why I can’t explain why I am in a good mood today. But I will take it. I also wrote about stopping my meds. Whenever I get really hopeless, I think the meds are useless and why bother taking them. I won’t stop the abilify because I can’t afford to become psychotic again. I will need to go in the hospital. Hell, the way things are going, I might be headed there again.

I am not doing anything else today except picking up my prescription later today. And I might get a bag of potato chips. Been craving them but thing is, I will eat the whole bag. I will get a small bag if they have the kind I am wanting. I went to the stationary store today to get a few legal pads. And because I am a pen freak, got two pens. I wasn’t planning on it. I really wanted the Zebra 301 in blue but all they had was black so instead I got the V-Ball black and blue. I am very particular about my pens. I usually just write in black ink exclusively. But lately, I have been wanting to write in different colored inks. I got my JetStream in different colors but will only write when it’s not in my journal, though I have written at least one entry in turquoise. I have a lavender colored pen that I have been wanting to use. Maybe I will write my therapist with that pen.

I really need to rest my ankle/foot. It will flare up on me and if I don’t stay on top of the pain, I am fucked. I can’t wait for my new sneakers to come because the ones that I have feel too small, even though they are my size. It’s probably because my foot swells and then becomes uncomfortable by the end of the day. Hence why I need new sneakers. According to their delivery schedule, they should arrive tomorrow with the mail. I don’t think I will be going out tomorrow, but that could change. I really need a day to chill as I have been going out most of this week. It hasn’t been long hours, but baking those cookies really took a lot out of me and now I am paying the price. I should be ok with my meds and rest, but with me feeling so hyped up, it’s hard to stay still. I want to do things. I want to go out, but I really need to listen to my foot and it is saying stay put or you will die. UGH, I hate feeling this way. Hopefully, my pain meds will mellow me out some.

I wrote a draft to my psychiatrist saying I got the brilliant idea of stopping my meds and gave the reasons for it. Now I don’t feel that way so I am glad I didn’t send it. I don’t feel like that now. I feel too good, a little too, too good. I might take an extra oxcarb tonight to see if that helps settle these mood swings. One thing about bipolar is having to deal with the extremes. It drives me crazy to be at the bottom of an abyss one day (like last night) and then feel on top of the world the next day. I feel like I can do anything, well, except fly. I feel like writing my psychiatrist and telling her I am back up again. I bet she is going to think what the hell is going on, just like I am wondering. But it’s been more than ten years since I have had these mood swings. I have been on the same mood stabilizer for years and sometimes it needs tweaking. I still am like WTF is happening to me. Only because when I crash, I crash hard and become immensely suicidal. Right now suicide is farthest from my mind, but it could come back in the next few days. I don’t think I am cycling, another part of this lovely disorder. The hypo and depression are too far apart. But I have gone through this before where I am hypo, psychotic, depressed, and then the pattern repeats. It has been years since this last happened and I ended up in the hospital because each crash was more serious than the previous one. I think that was when I ended up in the detox unit of a psych ward because there were no other beds available. God that hospitalization was awful. I hated the psychiatrist and boy was she dumb. She thought one of the antidepressants that I was on was an antibiotic. And she thought that Vioxx wasn’t a COX2 inhibitor. I knew more about the meds she was prescribing than she did. And she resented me for it. I should have filed a complaint with the medical board for her treatment of me but I never did. I will NEVER go back to that ward, even it was the last bed on the planet.

Baking and upsetting things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I have had a painful day. I saw my father after picking up his dry cleaning. My ankle is killing me because I then baked cookies and then cleaned up the mess, washing dishes/pans. I thought I would bake two batches, but it was a pain taking them off the pan after they cooled that I don’t think I will be making cookies again for a long time. I still haven’t had dinner yet. I am too full on cookies and cookie dough. It’s hard not eating the dough while making cookies. If someone can not do this, I give them credit. I didn’t substitute the oatmeal like I wanted to because you had to sift the flour. They came out very good, even though it was a pain taking them off the pan. Oh, and I used Giardelli chocolate chips, which made them really chocolaty.

Doesn’t look like I will be having a therapy session today. I am still hurting, psyche wise. I feel bad for the people of the German plane that went down. And am very sad that a suicidal person took the lives of 149 people to do his deed. I just never understand it. Then I read today that a 13 year old shot his 6 year old brother to death, injured his other brother, then killed himself. How does a 13 year old get a gun?? Why wasn’t it locked up and out of the reach of their kids? Just kills me. But I still believe the more they show things like this in the news, the more it will happen. And it has. There are more and more stories of murder/suicide today than there were a few years ago. Ever since Columbine, you are hearing more stories like this.

Ankle is absolutely furious with me right now. I don’t think I am going to make dinner. Last night, I ordered pizza, late. I will have that if I can make the stairs to the kitchen. I don’t feel like making a hamburger and then cleaning up again. My ankle hurts too much.

I got a message from one of my friends saying she read something and is concerned about me. Then I haven’t heard back when I responded. I had no clue what she was talking about. I posted lyrics and ordering pizza last night so not sure what is to be “concerned” about.

Well, I just fucked up my checking account. After everything clears, I will probably be in the negative because I paid my cell phone bill, TWICE. I paid online through their website AND through bill pay with my checking account. I totally forgot I did that because my memory is not that great anymore. FUCK. I am glad I checked my account before I made any purchases. Oh this blows. I really thought I would have money to give my brother in law for his birthday this year but it doesn’t look like I will even afford a fucking card. I swear I need a CPA or someone to manage my finances because I fucking suck at it. Just when I thought I was on top of things. Least I don’t have to worry about a cell bill next month. That is an extra $90 in my pocket. Now I wish I didn’t purchase my sneakers.

I got my eye appointment tomorrow. I hope the copay isn’t $40. I will be screwed, but I got to get my eyes checked. I have already made an appointment and canceled three times. I can’t do it again. I know I will need new glasses. That’s an expense for next month. I really want to get glasses with either polarized lenses or just get glasses and a pair of sunglasses. I don’t want to get transition lenses again, even though I really like them. I just can’t afford them this time around. Last time I got glasses it cost me $600. I am hoping it costs half that this time.