Tag: depression

Evening Post 1/4/15

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

Evening Blog 1/4/15

Like I planned, I didn’t do anything today but my ankle is killing me as if I did. I just had dinner and lunch. I am stuffed. I had a cheeseburger with avocado and bacon and then some chicken with rice and corn. My mother made beets with oil and vinegar but I didn’t like it too much. I usually like my beets with a creamy dressing, like blue cheese or Caesar.

My mother put garlic in the breadcrumb stuffing she made. Garlic seems to be giving me migraines lately. My head is already killing me. I have so far avoided a nap but might take one if the headache gets worse. Ankle is also getting worse as I am typing this despite taking a pain med for it. Being in pain every day is exhausting.

Had therapy today. It went okay. We talked a lot about different things that are irritating me and about Jack, the alter that is angry. I have been having intense anger moments and I think it is Jack trying to come out. He is a little boy, as far as I can tell, so doesn’t know how to use words. I have to interpret how he is feeling and relate it to what it is he is angry about. Sometimes, I am good at it and other times, I get angry because he is angry. We also talked about my mood dipping and the anhedonia getting worse. I think by the end of the week, I am going to be in the throws of a deep depression. I am talking with my therapist again tomorrow morning. I just hope that I am awake enough. We also talked about meds. I swear she thinks that I don’t take my meds at times. I think that is because I don’t talk about taking them all the time. I also told her the futility of taking them while in distress. I have no idea if these meds are working or not. It’s not like I am getting regular blood tests for levels or anything to prove they are working. It’s just frustrating to put faith in a pill. I do know the abilify works, because I am less psychotic while taking it and I get side effects from it. I am just frustrated taking a handful of meds every night and wonder if it is worth it. It has been a LONG time since I stopped my meds. I won’t be able to stop my medical meds. Those I need to take or my blood pressure will become unstable.

I haven’t discussed this with my psychiatrist. I think the only reason I haven’t been full blown manic is because I am on meds. It just sucks that every few years I have these bouts of being up and down. The last time I remember this happening was in 2002. And it wasn’t pretty. My crashes were terrible and very suicidal. Then I had a very depressing 2005. I came close to ending my life that year. It was probably the only time my psychiatrist asked me, as a favor to her, to go back on my meds. I haven’t been off them since. That was 10 years ago. I still have suicidal depressions but some how I get through them. So if in the next few days, I start writing about my suicidality, that is why. I will have hit another low point in my life. Question is, will it be low enough to warrant a hospitalization? I really am trying my best to stay out of the hospital. I haven’t been in the hospital since August. I am doing what I normally would do when I am in the hospital. Isolate and take my PRNs. But lately, I haven’t really been doing that as I have had the energy to go out and do things like get a latte and write in my journal. I think that has been good for me. It brings me out of the house and deal with life a little better. It might be annoying because the bus isn’t on time, but least I am not cooped up in my room 24/7. Though today I have been in my room a great deal. I have been playing poker. I lose, I win, I lose. When I get bored I leave. I am only playing with 200K chips. That is my limit. Once it is gone, I am done. I have 47 million chips so I think I am good for a little while, as long as I don’t play on the big game tables.

Morning Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression

Morning post

Thought I would write more than one post today, if I feel like it. So this is the morning one.

I’ve been up since 0630. I had to pee and then by the time I got back to my room, I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I played my game and some poker. I lost at least 1 million chips, mostly to 2 pairs, so it wasn’t a big deal. During the last few hands I was playing, there was a creepy guy and I felt like he was looking at me. I know it was just a picture of himself but still, the way it looked, just creeped me out. I had to leave the table.

I really can’t wait to get the new glasses because I can’t see how many chips are in my little bank while playing. Sometimes I can make it out but if I have 600,000 or 800,000 chips, I can’t really distinguish between the two. The print is small. I suppose I could play with the zoom feature for the browser to see if I can adjust it but really don’t feel like it. It might change everything and I would hate to go back and forth. I don’t know what I am going to do when I don’t have my private insurance anymore and I can’t see my eye doctor. I guess I will pay out of pocket, but even then, it is going to be costly. But I will worry about that next year.

My mother wants me to go to the post office to return some stuff for her. She opened the package and thinks she can return it without postage. Good luck. Doesn’t work that way. I have tried that before it didn’t work. I don’t think I will be going out today because I already had my coffee. If I am going to be up this early in the morning, I am having coffee, dammit! I should work on my psychosis story and edit it. I just looked at the document. I am about 93 words short of 2000 words. I printed it out so I don’t have to read from the computer screen. I don’t know how editors can work from the computer but I give them credit. I am old fashioned and need to work from paper.

I just put on a heavier sweatshirt because it’s cold in my room. It’s only 34 degrees out. I don’t know if it is going to warm up or not. I need to go to Stop and Shop and pick up my prescription as well as fish and chips. Ever since I told my friend about it, I have been wanting this meal. I sometimes detest the online delivery service because you have to buy a minimum of $60 or $70 worth of food before you get it delivered. In other words, you can’t just have one or two items delivered. Maybe next month I can order groceries as I have an extra $90 in my pocket. I still cannot believe I did that. I forgot I got royalties yesterday. So that helps. It’s not much, only $20 but, hell, $20 is $20. Next month will be a little more because I sold more books. I wish there could be one month where I could sell 20 books. That would make my quota and reach my goal for the year. But I am dreaming. I guess I will have to be satisfied with 87 books sold. I never got the review from the AAS. And I don’t think I will. I feel really sad about this.

My mood is up at the moment. But I think that is the coffee talking. I am going to try and stay awake the next couple of hours because I have my therapy appointment then. It’s still early for me to get my sister’s car and pay her a visit but I don’t feel like getting dressed. I really don’t feel like do anything today but read or play games on the computer. I still have to read Dostoevsky’s book and see Myshkin crash the party, if I remember correctly. It’s always exciting to me reading his books. But I know that if I read them now, it will wear me out. It take real concentration to read Dostoevsky and besides, the small print also makes it difficult to read, even with glasses!

I hope my mood stays the same throughout the day. I really don’t want to crash but it’s been two days like this and I feel like I will crash soon. It all depends on how hard. Oh, the evil depression. Will I suffer immensely or just a little bit? I will not know. I wish I could up my medication or something to ward off the crash but there is really nothing I can take to avoid it. I am not looking forward to it, in the least. It is going to suck, big time.

Hypo again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Hypo again

I don’t like this one day up the next day normal bullshit. It seriously only means that I will be headed for a serious breakdown sometime in the next few weeks. Or by the end of this week. I don’t really know what is causing this up one day and down the next. Maybe I am cycling. It is better than being in a mixed state.

I have been really irritable lately. The slightest things seem to piss me off. Yesterday, while having coffee, my mother wanted to talk to me. No matter how much I tried to muster the “don’t talk to me while having coffee” look, it just came across as me being in a bad mood or depressed. I fucking hate that. She just doesn’t get it because coffee doesn’t affect her. She drinks instant bullshit so what does she know of good coffee anyways! I doubt the instant shit has any real caffeine in it anyway. Pisses me off. And the more I tell her not to fucking talk to me, the more talkative she gets, WTF. I drank enough of my coffee so I wouldn’t spill it while walking and then headed up to my room for peace and quiet. My room is my only solace these days. I can’t be in the house or even in my office because the TV is on full blast or she is pressing every single button on the Tivo remote making fucking noise that is so damn loud. I don’t know when I became intolerable to noises. I used to work in a busy lab where noise was the only way to work. You had the tube machine going, the MPA which loves to ding for no good reason, then of course you have people talking either to each other or on the phone. Thank god we did away with music in the lab, though people will play Pandora on their workstations, but at low levels. It was a mad house and I enjoyed every minute of it. But now that I am in the confines of my room, I can’t tolerate any fucking beeping noise or even the tea kettle going off. It just makes me VERY annoyed.

I had therapy today. I told her about my friend that is having troubles. I wish I could do more for my friend but she lives very far away from me, over 3000 miles. I am doing what I can before she gets “real” help, as right now I am the only help to her that she is getting. We didn’t get into my troubles too much. She read the blog I wrote her the other day and she said there was one part that sounded “hyde”ish. I have no idea what she is talking about. I wrote the letter, and typed it up. I don’t think there is an element of Hyde anywhere in the letter. But then, she is always analyzing my writing. I told her about the mishap with my cell phone. And then toward the end of session, I became hypo, just like that. It was like a switch went off. I feel really good, even though I saw my father at the bus stop. We had to walk to my home so he could use the bathroom. So I walked an extra block today. I wish I could say it was good seeing him but I can’t stand him so there goes that idea.

My therapist also talked about how difficult it was to read the packet I gave her last week. She is having anxiety about reading it. I knew I should have waited a little bit before giving it to her. It is my fault she feels that way. But I know once she reads it, she will have questions. I also gave her my psychosis story. Maybe I will suggest reading that rather than the letter. I think the story is pretty good, not one of my best, but good enough.

I need to get new glasses next month, or at least try to get them. I’m going to try one of our bulk stores called BJ’s. I have had glasses from them before. I am going to get the single vision first and then I will get the bifocals, depending on the price. My eyes keep doing funky things and refuse to focus at times. It is worse when I am tired. Then I have to take the glasses off for a bit so my eyes get a some rest so to speak.

My last few texts to my therapist last night was about LGBT rights. It is pissing me off that more and more states are discriminating against people like me. Now I hear that Kentucky and Virginia are proposing laws. For Fuck’s Sake. I like Virginia and was considering going to school there at VCU, Virginia Commonwealth University. But now that is not going to happen because I will be discriminated against. Even in Indiana, they now have posted signs saying “we serve everyone”. They shouldn’t have to and if a bill they passed needs to be clarified, it shouldn’t have been passed in the first place!! It just makes me so very angry. And it also makes me thinking of killing myself all the more. Because if I can’t be accepted by the society I live in or even my family for that matter, what is the point of living anyways??

Lazy Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Lazy Monday

I texted my therapist early this morning to see if she had any openings today. It turns out she doesn’t, which is a bummer. My mood has become more stable over the last 48 hours, but I am not sure how long that will last. I emailed my psychiatrist that I was in better spirits but was predicting a fallout middle to end of the week. I see her next Friday.

I woke up fairly early this morning, around 0530. I played some poker and then went back to sleep. I would have played my game but I just haven’t been feeling like playing lately. I know in a month from today, the game is shutting down. I don’t know what I am going to do with myself once it stops. It is depressing me. My neighbors have started to play another game that is similar to it and there is supposed to be a PT2 coming out, but no one knows when. I just hope that if they do, the missions are not impossible to finish or take you months to finish because you rely so heavily on your neighbors help. Asking for 90 items and then needing crops is just way too much work for one mission, but then all the missions are set up like that. And now instead of asking for 10 of something, they are asking you to craft 15. I don’t mind because I have the time but I am running out of patience. I will be kind of happy the game is closing but still sad that I didn’t get to finish my missions.

I guess people liked my cookies for my brother in law’s birthday party. There doesn’t seem to be any goodies left over, aside from the rum cake. I had a piece today and I wish I didn’t. It just doesn’t sit well and I am not feel great to begin with. I have been having bouts of nausea all day, since I woke up this morning. I took a Zofran and am laying down, but it still hasn’t gone away. I hope that doesn’t mean I am going to get a migraine. Been drinking Gatorade to stay hydrated. Which also means I am peeing more. I hate having to go up and down the stairs because my ankle still isn’t 100%. Last night I had to leave the party earlier than expected because my ankle just flared up. I didn’t say goodbye to anyone, I just left. I figure if anyone needed me, they would just call my cell phone.

I am going to take a shower after I finish this blog. I lost track of the days since the last one I took. I think Thursday was the last time I showered. Anyway, I need one. It is going to hurt but oh, well. I didn’t go out today. And I fucking hate it when my mother sees me come down the stairs and says “you’re home” in that nasty condescending voice that she has. I mostly either don’t answer or say “no”, like I am a figment of her imagination. Pisses me off to no end. I hope the shower wakes me up and warms me up. Today was supposed to be close to 50 degrees but it feels like 30 or below. The weatherman lies. It is supposed to be in the twenties tonight. Oh the joy of spring. I will believe it when I see it.

The president was in town today and caused a havoc as usual. Trains had to be stopped as well as traffic to let him pass freely. Glad I didn’t go anywhere near town. It would have been a mess.