Tag: depression

Saturday Blog 16

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

Saturday Blog 16

I have not felt good all day. But I have been thinking about my cousin all week since he left me a message saying he was getting married today. I wanted to call earlier but I am bad at returning calls during normal business hours. I always remember after 2100. I called my cousin back today and spoke to him. He told me about his wedding and the parties he went to. My cousin married his partner, finally, after being together for more than 25 years. I am so happy to officially see his partner in the family. His partner got on the phone and he told me he sent me lyrics to a song he wrote in the early morning. He was telling me the process of the song and I had to read it. I LOVED it. It was so cool. I hope he records it and sends me the recorded version. Would love to hear the melody of the song.

Last night I had a scare. After I had my difficult BM, I started having increased back pain and my saddle/genital area were throbbing, something that has never happened to me before. It was awful. I had to take two strong pain pills and at least two ativans to calm down. I finally dozed off around 0200. All that time I was freaking out and was so damn tempted to go to the ER. I woke up in the morning and things were better. I still had back pain but it was the normal pain that I have been dealing with all along and not the pain I was dealing with last night. I swore to myself that if it was CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome), I was going to kill myself. There is no way I can handle being a cripple or be fused. I have heard many people who have been fused have so many problems. I have yet to hear of one success story of the many bad ones I have heard. My brother in law has told me that his coworker has received a fusion and is doing well. But I am sure that he didn’t have nerve damage before he got his fusion.

I don’t know why I was in horrendous pain last night. I know I had a difficult movement where I really had to push to get the crap out of me. I had been backed up for a few days as the last time I went was Monday. It is just another reminder of what living post CES is like. You can’t have normal bowels. I still am waiting to go again but it has not happened. I would take another senna but I took one earlier and I really don’t want to take two in one day for fear of bowel cramping.

I was so scared last night that I emailed my psychiatrist around 2300. I told her I was freaking out and that things were weird. I didn’t know if things were going to be better in the morning or not. I would have to go to the ER if things were not good. I feel like I am living with a time bomb in my back and I don’t know what will be the detonator. I have severely herniated discs in my L5/S1 that I am most worried about. I see my doc on Monday so I will ask him if having another MRI will be worthwhile at this point or not. I really don’t want to have another MRI as I need to have contrast and the last time I had one, they couldn’t find a vein so they skipped it. But with my back surgeries, you need contrast to show differentiation between new and old stuff.

I think my plans of seeing my therapist on Tuesday might be foiled as snow and ice are supposed to hit that day. Just great! I really want to see my therapist but I can’t because of the stinking weather. Normally, I wouldn’t care but I know going west of where I live is going to be more treacherous than where I live. I hope that it is nothing and I wake up with nothing on the ground. But some places are already having snow right now so there is still the chance that I won’t be seeing her Tuesday. Things could change as Tuesday is a few days away.

Sad day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Today has been a bad day. I found out one of my former coworkers lost her father this morning. Then one of my favorite baseball players got traded to San Diego, which probably means my favorite catcher is not going to be signed with the Sox this offseason. It’s just been a depressing day. Since finding out about my friend’s father passing, I just have been crying. It just sucks that my friend now has to deal with a wake and funeral for her beloved father instead of celebrating Christmas. It is just rotten and I feel so bad for her. Her father was a dad, true and true.

I woke up again in pain. Been able to sleep for a little bit before my damn app went off telling me to take my day meds. I could barely get out of bed to take them. My sister wanted me to pick up my niece but there is no way I can walk that far as I am in a lot of pain. Just going down the stairs is painful. I don’t know what to do anymore as all traditional methods of treating this pain have failed me. I have rested, taken anti-inflammatories, stretched to the best of my ability and nothing seems to help. My pain medication does relieve some pain but not enough for me to do anything. And having a cough is not helping me. Last night I had a coughing fit and I think it didn’t do me any favors, which is probably why I am hurting really bad today.

I just checked my Starbucks account. I have two free drinks, one for my birthday and one that I earned. That makes me happy, a little bit, because now I can go to Starbucks and get out of the house. Other than doctors appointments this week, I have not left the house for anything. And tomorrow I need to go to my father’s house to prepare is medication for him. It’s the only way to know that he is taking all of his pills. We found out yesterday that he lost more weight. When he first was diagnosed with his liver problem he was a 150 lbs. Now he is 124 lbs. He says that he is eating, but I don’t really think that he is. I think he has been drinking his ensure instead of eating a meal. My sister thinks so, too. We are not with him 24/7 and he can still make himself a meal. Trouble is, if he isn’t hungry, he just doesn’t eat, at all. We have tried to get him to eat three meals but that is impossible. He doesn’t have breakfast and will have a little lunch. Then gets bloated for his dinner, whatever that maybe. We see the containers of food in his fridge as he saves his meals. I don’t know what we are going to do with him. Just another hassle with the old guy.

My therapist is off today. She has been having Fridays off since the birth of her daughter. Sometimes I wish she was in the office as it is hard, sometimes, to wait till Tuesday. I will be able to get my sister’s car that day so I can see her for our appointment. It will be the first time seeing her in months! I am really looking forward to it. I just hope all the poking and prodding from my doc and PT on Monday doesn’t cause a flare up in my ankle. That will suck so bad! And I really don’t want my back to be caput on my birthday. So this pain better be gone by then!

I need to take a shower and brush my teeth some time today. I have been really bad in doing those things. I am surprised my teeth haven’t fallen out. I really should have better hygiene habits but its so hard with the depression and back pain. I can only stand for so long before I am in horrendous pain. This just sucks.

Editors’ Favorite

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, writing

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I had therapy today, like I do every Wednesday, unless she is on vacation or something else interferes with our time. We talked mostly about my father, again. By mid session, I wanted to talk about something else but couldn’t think of anything so we talked more about him. It wasn’t an analytical discussion. Just about how draining he is to me and my welfare. She doesn’t know how I can tolerate him despite my hate for him. I guess he still has his hold on me because there would be hell to pay if I didn’t tolerate him.

We also talked about how back my back got last night and this morning. I really just wanted to die. The pain was excruciating and all I did was lie down! I woke up from my nap and I couldn’t move, the pain was so damn bad. But I had to take my night meds and when I got up, it was like someone had stabbed me in the back. My hip was on fire. There was nothing I could do for it. I had to stand to take my meds. What I would have given for a nurse to come bedside to hand me my meds last night. I was tortured the whole time I took the 10 or 12 pills I take. I was up most of the night in pain, and I swear, I woke up soon as the pain meds wore off, which was every four to five hours. I never called the doctor like I was supposed to. And tomorrow doesn’t look good for me to call him either because I have to deal with my dear old father for most of the morning. My therapist asked if I should see someone. I don’t know anymore. I see my doc on Monday, so will tell him what has been going on for the past several weeks and see what he thinks I should do. I know that I am NOT going to see two different PTs. I refuse to see one for my ankle and one for my back. I know I just need the “right” exercise to get a stretch out of my back and I will be fine.

I’m still fighting a cold as my nasal discharge has been running wild lately as well as having a damn cough. I know the cough is not doing me any favors with my back pain. I just feel really run down. I know part of it is because I haven’t been sleeping well most of the week. Monday I woke up at 0530 and didn’t go to bed until late. And last night I was up every few hours because I had to change position. It was so tough sleeping last night. And once I am up, I am pretty much up for a while. It takes me forever to get back to sleep. I finally gave up today when my app for my meds kept dinging for my morning pills. I guess it’s good that I have the app or I would forget to take my pills. Not so much for my night meds as I know I have to take my hormone pill or I am screwed. Missing that dose just screws up my reproductive system and I don’t really want my menses showing up this month. It has shown up every year at this time for the past three years. I would really love to skip this month. That would be the greatest birthday present mother nature could give me!

Today, someone who found my blog, wrote on one of my support groups, looking for information on my book. I gave her the UK link for Amazon.com. I had to google it because I didn’t know what the domain was. Anyway, she found me on Facebook and she bought my book. It is probably going to be my only sale for the month. Sales have been terrible this month, but then I haven’t been promoting my book like I did last month. It’s hard work tweeting all the time for the week that I had my Kindle version for 99 cents. If I knew how hard it was going to be to sell my book, I would have saved up some money to have it published with an agent or something. I thought that Amazon would help but if they do, I don’t see it. And it was by chance I saw that my book was named the Editor’s pick of the year. I am glad I took a photo of it because it’s no longer there on my Amazon page. From what I gather from some author groups on Facebook, it all depends on how many people like your author page on Amazon on which book Amazon promotes. Unfortunately, I am not that tech savvy to find out what that page is to have people like it. Even on the Author’s page link it doesn’t have anything on it. Probably because I have not put anything on it because I don’t know how. I think I found it once but don’t ask me how I did it. And if there is a like, it’s the only like because I liked my own page! It’s so frustrating. I am thinking of putting my book on the Nook and iBook some time in 2015 so that maybe I can have better sales. But the process is like Amazon’s Createspace. I would have to create profiles for those formats and there is no guarantee that it will sell better than my current profile.

Random 737

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, mood disorders

I have my first scheduled post to publish at 1800 today. I decided to change the name and URL when I originally published it to include the word “suicide” so people can reference it. I still cannot find the article I got it from so I can properly cite it. I will try and find it, then edit the blog again.

Day went dreary. It was wicked cloudy today and tomorrow is supposed to rain all day. My friend in NM thought we are getting snow, but I haven’t heard anything. But then I haven’t been watching my weathermen tweets.

My legs feel really heavy today for some reason. The back of my legs hurt when I stand up from a seated position, especially when I get up from sitting on my bed for a few hours. I hope it’s just because they get tired of the position they are in and not something else. Dammit, just remembered I was supposed to call my physiatrist today but forgot, again. Why is it I always remember to do stuff after places get closed? I wish I had his email that would be easier.

Fucking found the damn appendix that had the damn “Crisis Response Plan”. I was right, it was the US Air Force that had the cards and I modified it to suit my needs. I am happy I found the source!! Now I can append it on the blog. I really thought I was going crazy when I couldn’t find the damn reference. I knew I got it somewhere. I didn’t come up with it myself. I’m not that smart! And when you have been as suicidal as I have been, you don’t think of what can benefit you. You just rely on your therapist to guide you through the crisis.

My father called me today. He wanted to know why I wasn’t coming over. I never said that I would come over today but I was supposed to call him. Oh well. He called me and I get to call him tomorrow and tell him he has another doctor’s appointment on Thursday. That is going to be fun. I get to spend another 2 hours at the hospital, more if the doc is late.

My high school crush sent me a FB message. She wanted me to know there was alternative treatment out there, like acupuncture and holistic stuff. Tell me something I don’t know. I didn’t respond but appreciated the gesture.

I got my appointment for PT next week. I really can’t wait this time around. I hope that the ultrasound works because trying to strengthen my ankle with the ankle exercises I was given certainly didn’t help. It made things worse. My back is still out of whack. The only relief I get is by sitting. Walking or standing for any length of time just hurts me. I just don’t understand it. I should be better by now, dammit. I think I need a massage.

I think I have caught my mother’s cold. My throat has been dry for most of the day. I know that if I don’t get enough sleep, I always get sick. I can’t afford to be sick again. Coughing will kill my back and I might really hurt myself. I wish I didn’t have a damn time bomb in my back. I am so afraid of getting CES again, for the 3rd time because I still have bad, herniated discs in my lower spine.