Tag: depression

Sore As Hell

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Sore as all hell

I woke up around 0630 this morning. I was still in pain so I took my meds and then played my game until I passed out again. I only slept for about two hours. When I got up, both my legs were sore from yesterday’s excursion. My calves feel so damn sore it is not funny and they are both tight. Stretching them just causes me pain. I have been do it little by little all day to try and get them to loosen up to no avail. I wish I had a bathtub. I think the hot water would help my legs so much. But I don’t. My ankle and foot are still swollen, though not as much as last night. They still hurt more than my calves. I am glad I decided not to go anywhere today. Only thing I planned on doing was calling a junk towing place to get my junk car but I didn’t even do that so FAIL.

Last night, I was going through my twitter feed and one of the anti-suicide organizations had a tweet that really pissed me off. The tweet said “suicide should never be an option”. BULLSHIT. You mean to tell me someone dying from the indignity of say Parkinson’s disease shouldn’t have the right to end their life when the time came? BULLSHIT. Or if they were dying from terminal cancer? Or ALS? I can go on, but I think you have my point. Sure, someone with depression *may* not have that as an option but in all humanity, it should remain as an option. I don’t want to live in a world where it isn’t. I know there is a 100% chance of me developing Alzheimer’s disease. I have the genes from BOTH sides of my family. If I become too much of a burden on my nieces and nephew, I want the option to kill myself. Or I will move to a state where assisted suicide is allowed by law. Course, that is if I don’t take my life before then.

I have many reasons for contemplating suicide. I live in chronic physical pain every day. I know suicide will be the cause of my death one day. I can’t picture myself living to “old” age, whatever that is now a days. I am 38 yet I feel like I am 90. I ache something fierce every single day. And if it is not one thing, it’s another.

Another thing that pisses me off about the anti-suicide campaigns is that they want zero (0) suicides. Again, they are living in a dream world. Sure, we can hope that the rate decreases, I am all for that, but to have zero suicide? That is just unrealistic to me. There is always going to be someone that ends up dying by suicide some where in the world. It’s just the way humans are.

Another Long Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Another long day

So I dealt with my father this morning. Thankfully, the gods were with me, because the doctor, who normally runs at least a ½ hour late (or more), was on time. I learned a new route to get to my father’s house that is easier than taking the way that I knew home. I was grateful that my father had a friend that took us, but man, did he drive below the speed limit. We got there on time and everything, but still. Doing 20 in a 30 MPH zone? Come on buddy. I just wanted to go home but no, my father takes the opportunity to tell his DOCTOR that he can’t fill one of his medications. I spent almost a half hour with him and he didn’t say one word at ALL about this. So he is without meds until I call the pharmacy to find out why he couldn’t fill it. The guy thinks the world caters to him, I swear.

I just missed the noontime bus because of the medication issue. I didn’t care. I was away from him and his ornery ass and was glad to have a half hour to myself to listen to my Pearl Jam while waiting for the bus. I still had some time to kill before having to pick up my niece from school. She is in awe that I can type fast. She wants me to teach her. I told her it comes with practice and patience. She didn’t like those words, LOL

I am glad I am seeing my doc on Monday because I will be demanding an MRI on my ankle because I think I screwed it up while walking. The pain I have been experiencing is not my normal pain, well it is, but not in this intensity. I could barely get my sneakers on today and the shoe part that meets with the bone just about sent me fainting from the pain. It was awful. But even with the AFO, my ankle is hurting me in one part ALL the TIME. It is so intense that sometimes all I can do is swear (doesn’t help the pain but makes me feel better to express my frustration). Either that, or the doc that injected the numbing medication screwed up my ankle. Though that happened back in January of this year. I seriously doubt it would still be affecting me now. I think I might have twisted it when I went for my little 1.2 mile walk on Labor Day because that is when the pain intensified. It is so annoying when you can’t walk. And I don’t want to hear the story about how my weight is factored in. My weight has been stable the last couple of years, give or take a pound or two. Granted I just gained weight while in the hospital but I will lose it once I get myself ready to. It’s hard to commit to anything when you are in chronic pain. But I ate good today so hopefully, I won’t have the midnight hunger attacks.

I have been texting my therapist throughout the day. I think she read my blog I sent her last night. I won’t find out until Monday when I talk to her again. Next week is going to be long. I have my appointment with my PCP on Monday and then have therapy in the evening. Tues and Wed therapy at noon. Then Friday I have my pdoc appointment.

I saved a little bit of money today. I saw an ad on one of the games I play for Sprint (my mobile carrier) and it was cheaper with this plan. So I called and though I don’t have unlimited everything, I do save $15 USD a month with the new plan. Only thing is, I have to make sure I don’t go over 4GB of data with this new plan. I doubt I will go over as I usually use just a little over 2 GB every month. But I know there may be months where I do go over. I try not to use my phone as much but it is difficult as I have a lot of my game feed on my Facebook page using my laptop but I don’t have the same crap if I use my phone.

One more bitch paragraph and then I will stop…

My cousin comes over the house just to use the bathroom, tells a story about how a doctor dented her car with his arm, and then leaves. She is such a drama queen and needs attention just like my father. Then she had the audacity of telling me I walk like my mother. She then asks me “don’t people tell you that”? I am like no, only YOU (asshole, that I mutter under my breath). She pisses me off something fierce. I could say she has the ass of her mother but I don’t. I am not that type of person. I just think these things but never say them aloud because they are inappropriate, something she never learned.

increased pain levels, YAY…NOT

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain

I had a long day today. I didn’t sleep good. I hope that I sleep good tonight because I have a big day tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. It’s another day with my father and I know it is going to stress me out like it normally does. And the docs wonder why I have high blood pressure! Speaking of those idiots, they haven’t gotten back to me about whether I should be on three medications for it or not. I haven’t gotten the 3rd filled because my pharmacy doesn’t list it as ready. I rather not take it.

I had a stressful therapy session. It was complete with Jekyll coming in and out. I think he is a little guy as he was scared to come out, though he was really angry. Or maybe he is just a part of me that is angry and I won’t let it out. Either way, my anger never was expressed. A lot of memories got stirred. I wrote about it in a password protected blog. It is for my therapist only. I hate having to keep writing stuff in blog format and having her read it that way. If she had email, it would be so much simpler. But no. She refuses so I have to blog things to have her read it. Only other alternative is the old paper and pen letter via snail mail. I have done this and continue to do it. Though, I don’t know who benefits from it, me or her.

My mood was all over the place today. I still am exhausted from not sleeping good. I will be going to bed shortly when I finish this blog and I hope that I do sleep. I have been playing my game on and off since 6 am. I am going to have something to eat and then I am going to bed. I don’t know why I get hungry when I take my night meds. If I don’t eat, I am thinking or dreaming about food. I think I will have a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch cereal. I haven’t had that in a while.

I had my coffee today. I took a shower. I even brushed my teeth. Not in that order, but it happened. I hope that I can wake up early tomorrow and eat something good as I know last time I didn’t eat for my father’s appointment, I got cranky and wicked irritable. Then I felt dizzy when I got home. Not good! If I have time tomorrow, I will try and get to Walgreens and buy some pop tarts to take with me should hunger strikes. I will need it. I also have to remember to take my BP meds because I forgot to take them today. I hate taking morning meds for that reason. It was easier in the hospital because they nag you until you take them but when you are home, you don’t have that nag. I should take it when I remember to, but this morning my ankle was hurting me and I really didn’t feel like getting out of bed.

For three days now, I have been experiencing the same pain in my ankle. I think I might have done something to it, but what I am not sure. It is annoying because I can’t bear weight on it. Taking a shower tonight really aggravated it. Last night I had to take extra duty pain meds to quiet it down. But now the pain has shot up again. It is driving me insane. I don’t see my doc until next week. I am going to have him change the order to taking two pills twice a day. That should give me enough coverage that I need, because one pill isn’t doing squat!