football and coffee

I decided to take a break from writing yesterday. I was hyped up on watching football all days so couldn’t really think about what I wanted to say.

My mood has been slightly better over the last few days. I am not thinking constantly of suicide but still have the depressed mood. Last night my leg was acting up and I thought I was going to have a long and painful night but soon as I took my sock off, the pain and pressure dissipated. Leg is still a little sore this morning but nothing compared to last night.

Yes, I was watching the Pats against the Ravens last night. Though after halftime it was more like the Ravens against nobody. The Pats just could not get to the Ravens’s Quarterback and so he was making all kinds of first downs leading to touchdowns, which made me very unhappy. After the fumble in the 4th quarter and the Ravens got the ball, I knew the game was done. Cooked, over. Patriots didn’t want to win and showed no sign they wanted this game. Despite Brady making all kind of NFL records, he lost. I just can’t believe it. The game truly sucked and I am at a loss for words…

On another note yesterday my niece brought me coffee. She was supposed to get me Blue Java but I think the barista gave her Blue Mountain instead as it tasted stronger and heavier than my Java. I can’t drink strong coffee. I like a mild to medium coffee. I will make my Java today and see if it comes out the same but I doubt it. I know my coffees!

The kids have the day off today because of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday. I like it when they are off because I get to see them more. Keeps reinforcing my reasons for living.

My other blog goes live today. I am really nervous about it because it is a national organization for suicide prevention and training. It is a new newsletter blog that started last week and my story is going up today. It is at The blog is for suicide attempt survivors and the intention is to provide support and a voice to those that have tried, so hopefully they won’t try again. I feel like a hypocrite with this because of my varying levels of suicidality at times. Most people attempt and they forget about it in time. I have not and still want to take my life but I like I said in an earlier paper, I lost my lethality. Right now unless the wish fairies or a genie comes out of the bottle, I doubt I would get my wish to die to come true.