Tag: self inflicted wounds

What I’ve done

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicidality, transgender

*****WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING******

What I’ve done, I cannot undo. What I have done, is not something that can be explained readily. Talking about Self-Harm is never easy. Just three little cuts is all that were made. The pressure of the day just got to me. I had to release the pressure that was building up the best way I know how. Something snapped inside of me today. I am sure that it is because of the transgender issues that I have been having in my support group for my nerve injury. Somehow my real name was used and despite me correcting them, they still used it. I got very pissed off and annoyed. I know there were other ways I could have handled it but I couldn’t have a blow out over my name issue. Then my book is weighing on my mind. And I wonder how many people are expecting it to be wonderful and what if it isn’t? What if I don’t meet their expectations of this book? All of this was weighing on me today. And I just snapped. I didn’t plan on cutting until it really popped into my head as a great tool to use. I don’t encourage this type of behavior to anyone. But today it fit for me. I am not sure how I feel about it. My wrist hurts. It is sore from its wounds. But the bleeding has stopped like I knew it would. Just three little cuts is all that I made. No big deal. It was of my own volition. No one (voices) told me to do it. And it certainly is not enough to warrant a medical visit of any sort. Psychiatric perhaps but not medical. My biggest fear right now is what I am going to tell my therapist tomorrow. I know she is going to be worried. But I think I am better now that I got this out of my system. I think I can sleep better. I don’t want to do more damage, least not tonight. I know I will always have these urges. Tonight they got the better of me. I am not proud of this. But it was what needed to get done so I had a release. Talking didn’t help. Listening to music didn’t help. taking a PRN didn’t help. I guess I just had cutting on my mind a little more than I should have had. Now I have to wear long sleeves until they heal. That is going to be a challenge because I love wearing short sleeved shirts. But that is my punishment. I have to wear long sleeved shirts until my wounds heal. Will they heal though? Physically they will but I doubt I will heal mentally. The scars are always there to remind me that I am not well, or that once I was not well. I didn’t cut to get stitches tonight and that is good. I just want to feel somewhere I belong. Yet I have to keep myself away from myself. How am I going to do that? I can’t erase what I’ve done.

exhausted from all these appointments

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I was extremely exhausted yesterday. I went to my dentist appointment and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. The dentist was really good and didn’t hurt me while he scraped. I have no cavities, which I was thrilled to hear about. I still have my two baby teeth. They don’t have “adult ones” so I really need to start taking better care of my teeth. Because if they get injured or fall out, there is no replacement other than false teeth.

I came home and tried to sleep but I had therapy so I didn’t sleep too hard. I would sleep for forty-five minutes and then wake up. It was terrible. Then after therapy I figured I would have the afternoon to snooze. Nope. My sister called saying that my niece was sick and I had to pick her up. UGH. So now I had this sick kid that just wanted to cuddle with her germiness. Just great. Hope I didn’t catch anything. I washed my hands and I plan on taking a ton of vitamin D so I don’t get sick. No that is not a typo. Vitamin D actually helps the immune system because it helps a cytokine in the blood that is part of the immune system. Cytokines are like helper cells in the immune system, if memory serves correctly. I could have it wrong. But the bottom line is, Vitamin D is what you should take if you get a cold. I have not been really sick since taking it.

I am still exhausted. I still have an early appointment tomorrow that I am just dreading. I know it is just going to go like this, he sees me, examines me, and then says I have tendonitis. End of story. If he offers any other type of treatment, like a boot or a shot of cortisone, I will decline. I will be wearing my AFO just to show him that I have been treated for this before and I am sorry to waste his time and my sleep but my cranky PCP wanted to make sure that this was a foot problem and just a foot problem because God forbid it should be what I think it is, nerve damage that has messed up my foot! I am still nervous about this appointment because it is so early in the morning. I am afraid I will just go along with whatever he says because I am not awake enough to argue. Or that I will miss the appointment because the bus is late. As it is, I have to have my checking account on hold because I am not sure what the copayment will be. It will either be $15 or $40 (USD). It’s hard to say because I don’t know if this guy is in network or out of network. I won’t know until they run my insurance. I am still nervous about what he will do. I will die if I have to have x-rays done. Though he might just want to put me in a boot and see what that does but I am in an AFO so what good will that do me?? UGH, I am so frustrated and I haven’t even set foot in his office yet! (no pun intended!)

I talked with my therapist about self harming today. I told her my mother looked at the scars the other day. I felt mad because she touched me on my wrist and I hate being touched there without my permission. I actually hate being touched anywhere without consent, even if it is my mother. I have some pretty deep scars. We were talking about how I wish I could cut again to release my urges but she said that will open up a can of worms. What worms? Only thing it will do is want to make me cut more. And more. Or maybe not. Maybe I just need one cut to make me feel better. And then the idiot therapist brought up my book as if that is the source of all evil. UGH. My frustration has something to do with my book, yes I am not going to lie about it. But it’s not the only thing frustrating me. Today my group called me by my birth name and I got wicked pissed off. Granted this person doesn’t know me so I had to quickly diffuse the situation. An old time member called me by my real name and that is what caused everyone to call me by my real name. I am so frustrated with my transgender stuff it’s not funny. So throw that on the table as well for reasons to cut. Plus it has been more than ten years since I last cut. I want to feel the release again. But I know the last time that I did cut, I didn’t feel anything and wanted to go all nuts on my wrist. It took quite a bit of self control not to give in to that type of harming.

I am trying not to give in to it today. But damn it is so hard not to think of it helping me when all else has failed me. I keep thinking of the way it will feel. But at the same time I know what will happen when that feeling is gone. I will want more. And more. It won’t stop. Just writing about it is making me want to do it. I think I should stop here for now.

not sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

****might be triggering to some people****

I was hoping to get a session today with my therapist but she is booked up. The urges I have to cut have not decreased. I am trying all the coping strategies that I know to not think about it. It is helping a little bit but I still want to cut. I want to feel the razor against my skin and the ultimate pain it will bring. Writing about it in detail helps me a little bit. But it also makes me want to do it more. It is a good release to see it on paper but not when I don’t actually do it. I don’t know what to do. I haven’t had self-harm urges in a very long time. I took a walk to day and am watching my ravenous eight year old eat full meals. She said she had lunch but man is she hungry after school. But then I remember I would have at least 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when I came home from school almost every day. Guess she takes after me.

My therapist just texted me and I will have a session with her tonight.

One of my favorite country singers just tweeted that she listened to a symphony 3. I am playing it on Youtube while I am typing this and it is sorrowful. It is powerful. I like it though. Weird I had a dream about her when she had short hair last night. I guess my head was missing her as I have not played her songs since I went to her concert in May. She is the only singer I can listen to when I am agitated and will be able to calm me down. I would listen to her now but I really am not in the mood to listen to music as I got to write four pages.

I woke up around 4 this morning and didn’t go back to sleep till 9. I am very sleepy. I wish I could take a nap now but I can’t. I haven’t had coffee yet but I think I will soon. I finally bought half and half.
When I checked my stats today, I found that a search term for vocabulary of suicide found its way to my blog. Person was from the ROK. Haven’t had that visitor in a while. It got me thinking that I should include some thing about suicide facts into my book so I copied the vocabulary and posted it in my book. I am not up to 130 pages! While I was up this morning, I also decided to write a few pages more on my mini suicide attempt I had in October. I think it is important to know what goes on in someone’s mind when they are thinking about killing themselves. You never know who you can help.

drinking and cutting

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

***warning might be triggering***

Just finished my writing of four pages today. I talked about the benefits of hospitalization and such. I have good experience with that as I have been hospitalized over 30 times in my life. I had at least twenty by the time I was 25 years old. My depressions were brutal and all I could think about was killing myself. And back then, if you had any thoughts of suicide and were thinking about acting on it, it landed you in the hospital. Now you need a specific plan, time, and date before they admit you.

I have been having big self-harm urges today. It started last night and has not let up any today. I am able to distract myself with music and playing with my phone, usually by going on twitter. I rarely talk to anyone by my therapist about this, though today she wanted to know more about it and I blew her off. I don’t know why I blew her off. I don’t really know why I have the urges. But I just didn’t want to talk about it. I felt like if I did, the urges would come back stronger and I wouldn’t be able to keep them at bay. I deal with these urges for so long on my own that I still can’t let anyone in on them. They are too private for me to talk about. I know that the paper I wrote last night about my TG issues is a cause of it. I don’t understand the link between me being a male and me wanting to cut. And I don’t think I want to know. I also have been wanting to drink to get seriously drunk. Been staring at a bottle of crown royale the past few weeks. I could empty the bottle. It has about a fourth left if I let myself. I am just afraid of what I might do if I start drinking. I could get into the fuck it modes and take more meds than I should. I could accidently try and kill myself while under the influence. That is why I don’t drink. I am too afraid of what might happen. I have never drank and used my meds inappropriately. In fact, if I do have any alcoholic beverages, I usually don’t end up taking my narcotic medication because I am afraid of the side effects. I won’t even take an Ativan for fear of it slipping me into a coma, though I don’t take that much.

Ever since I had that mini suicide attempt last October I have been fearful of mind altering drugs and cutting. Cutting might seem harmless, but it really isn’t. Not to a former cutter. It is like a drug. Once you start, you can’t stop. You want to feel that “high” again and again with each blood drop. I can’t explain it beyond that. It’s like a thrill you can’t get otherwise. It lets go of the pain with each slash. I am just afraid of going too deep and needing stitches where I most likely will be hospitalized for my actions. They rarely let you go if you need stitches. And it’s terrible to have to sit and wait and wait and wait like you are some kind of leper. Even though you didn’t mean on doing yourself harm, they (psychiatrists and such) think you could be at risk for more harm. All it takes to get started is that one cut. And one cut is usually never enough. Just like with me, one sip of whiskey is never enough. I need more and more to get drunk. I am a binge drinker. I binge drink and then I am fine for months. But sometimes, I find that I can’t stop drinking. I am not an alcoholic. I just like to drink. And sometimes just one will do it. Sometimes five will do it. Other times it is the rest of the bottle.

I have never cut while drunk and I never drink while cutting. The hazards for going too deep and wild is too great, greater than overdosing on medication. I once wanted to cut my jugular while in a drunken rage so I decided to never mix the two. It takes some deep restraint not to give into impulses for either. And despite the impulse, I some how avoid doing serious harm to myself while under the influence of either substance. No, cutting is not an abused substance but it should be.