Tag: suicidality

rambling 061

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I did nothing today. Tried to get caught up with my DVR shows that I recorded. Watched about four shows then got bored. I don’t know how I can watch four straight hours of baseball with no problem but can’t watch TV shows. I used to be able to watch them all night long. I don’t know what has changed. It is weird.

My mood has been quiet all day. I woke up around noon time. I had another bad night sleeping. I knew I was going to be in pain and kept waking up with it. Today, the pain is not so bad. I still hurt but it is manageable. I will be going to bed soon anyways. Think I am going to read a little until I pass out.

My mother baked all day so the house was full of baking smells. She made my birthday cake and some other goodies. I was able to talk her into getting a pizza for supper. She said that is my Christmas gift.

I think the extra mood stabilizer is helping. I knew it would. I have not been agitated all day or hyper/restless. I do have to take my night time meds soon. I can’t believe the day is gone. I don’t know where time went. I did help my mother with some of the baking, but other than that and watching my shows, I don’t know where the day went. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow. And I am dreading Monday.

I got to find my DVD case. I want to watch “It’s a wonderful life”. It’s my favorite Christmas movie, right next to the “Christmas Carol”. I am going to see if the Patrick Stewart version will be playing this year. I might have missed it but I am hoping it will be on now that it is closer to Christmas. It is probably the only version that I have not seen.

My viewership is down the past few days. I barely have made twenty views a day. I am kind of saddened by this. I was doing good for a while, getting close to thirty and now it is next to nothing. My viewer from Taiwan hasn’t viewed my blog in the last week or two. I hope that person comes back. I like when I get international followers.

I have not heard from my writing friend over the last few days, ever since we said we were going to take a writing break. I hope it is because of computer problems and not my response to her email. It is strange not hearing from her. She could also be having problems with her email so I just sent it to another email, just in case there is a problem. Or maybe she is just too busy to respond to my emails. That could be it too.

I am worried about two friends. If they are reading this I hope they know that I think about them frequently, even if I don’t always call them. One is about to have surgery and will be temporarily become a quad. I am worried what this will do to his mental health more than anything. The other friend is having family issues and mentioned in an email that she is thinking of taking her life. I don’t know what to do. I know she emails once a day so I am hoping to hear from her tomorrow. I haven’t seen her on Facebook today but my news feed is so clogged with my games I might have missed her post if she posted. Even on my phone I am getting games feed. I never used to before the stupid fucking updates and other Facebook changes they have made. I can’t hide the feed because then I won’t be able to get rewards. But I hope my friend is ok and hasn’t done anything rash.

Sucky day part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Almost decided not to blog today. Having a rough day. For the first time in almost 21 years I feel like my psychiatrist does get that I am ill. I told her today, I wanted to go up on my mood stabilizer because I have been wicked up and down and all around. Last night to top off my wicked sucky day, I got hit with a mixed state that had agitation and restlessness mixed with the need to write. I told her that I was going nuts and she said I can’t do that. She won’t increase my meds just have me take the trilafon and Ativan when I need to. I am so frustrated with her. I think the extra mood stabilizer is what I need right now to tamper things down. I am only escalating. And usually this time of year, I am in a deep depression that has me walking in mud. Well no mud today. I walked all over town today, well more than I usually do and now I am paying for it but I don’t care. I had to get the agitation/frustration out of my system somehow. I know that things are going to get worse if I don’t get a handle on them now. If I end up in the hospital, I am going to tell her “told you so”. I did forget to tell her about my menses. She became really concerned when I told her I was having trouble with my vision. She wants me to see an ophthalmologist. I will make the appointment after the New Year. She doesn’t know if it is the medication or not. My luck the doc will just call it atypical migraine and be done with me.

When I came home, I took my meds. Then I had to pick up my niece. I am beyond tired and hope that I sleep tonight. I know I am probably not going anywhere tomorrow because I will be too sore. If this throbbing that I am feeling now is any indication. I know it’s going to get worse after eight. I am not looking forward to it. I can’t even stand long enough to change out of my jeans and into my PJs. This so sucks. I know I brought it on myself but it felt good walking again. It doesn’t feel good right now, but I didn’t have pain when I was walking around town. Picking up my niece did make things worse but that is my fault. I forgot my sister told me so if she didn’t text me, I would be in big trouble right now. I also did the walking without my AFO so not sure that was a good idea or not. I had to have steady snow shoes on because there still is a lot of ice and snow on the ground.

I don’t think I will have a mixed state tonight because I am so tired. The walk wore me out and going the extra few blocks to pick up my niece from her after school care program really did me in. But I have the weekend to chill. I really just hope that I don’t wake up one of these nights before Monday. I just don’t want to deal with my birthday. I used to love it and the Christmas days. I would see my family three days in a row, well my father’s side anyways. It was always fun. Now I don’t. And I think my godmother forgot my birthday again this year as I didn’t get a card from her like I usually do. Since my uncle died, I haven’t been getting a card every year. I really miss his handwriting. It was the neatest script. I also really miss him, too.

I really want to take myself out somewhere for my birthday. Just go to a good restaurant. I might take my niece as her birthday is the fourth of Jan. When I was working, I used to take my “kids” out for their birthday as they hated getting a book from me. I figured a book never gets out of style like clothes do or games/toys.

I still am upset about my psychiatrist. I think I am going to increase the med anyways. I am the one that has to live like this not her. And if I want to do something, I am going to do it. Last night I thought definitively there were rats in my room (it was just the radiator kicking on). That is how spaced out I was. Luckily I was able to talk to a fellow blogger friend that understands. She really helped me get through the night so my meds could kick in and work. I am glad I have friends like that.

In other news, I got a weird question on my Facebook page. They wanted to know what topic my book is. Obviously, this person has not been following my blog.

Sucky Sucky Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Sucky Sucky Day

My day started with waking up at four in the morning to pain in my right foot, which made my left jealous, so it decided to hurt too. I couldn’t take two pain pills because I had to be up in a few hours for the dreaded appt with dad. So I just took one and finally fell asleep for about an hour before my mother woke me up at 7. I have had shitty sleep the past four fricken weeks. I don’t remember the last time I slept for more than 6 hours straight. My average has been five hours a night. Doesn’t matter what time I get to bed, it is always about five hours. When I did get up before my alarm went off, my feet were still hurting me. Luckily I knew my right would tamper off once I started moving about. My left was up in the air as to whether it would comply with walking or not.

Went to my dad’s appointment and my dad, the juvenile that he is, proceeded to show me every cut on his face that he made with his razor. Are you kidding me? He is eighty-one years old. I told him he needed a new razor and he told me that the new razor is what caused it. UGH. Surprisingly, we didn’t have to wait too long for the doctors. Everything looks fine and we get to come back in three months for another follow up visit. Great. Too bad I still got to deal with my father next week too.

I got home about a half hour before my therapy appointment. And thank goodness I was home. I got the runs and I guess sharted myself without, of course, realizing it. That blew my temper. I also am now in another fucking mense cycle so that added to my joy. If I had a gun, I know I would have used it by now. My therapist would have been waiting for me to text her back and then worry when I wouldn’t answer the phone.

But the day is not done yet…on the way home, I got a wicked sense of paranoia/foreboding. Luckily by the time I got to the station it went away. I talked about it with my therapist and she said to add it to the list of things to talk about with my therapist. Fine. A couple hours later, I am back on Facebook and my vision blurs out. I cannot focus my stupid eyes on anything, even with my glasses on. The back of my neck hurts and then WHAM, I am hit with an ice pick in my eye, classic for migraine city. I am like you got to be fucking kidding me. I am laying down, trying to rest after dosing myself with my migraine medicine and aspirin, when my sister calls me to let me know she is home with my mother’s groceries. So up and down the stairs I go, a half a dozen trips. My ankle LOVES ME NOW! NOT!! My ankle is killing me. My head exploded and then I felt sick to my stomach. I thought I was going to puke. Laying down made things worse so I had to sit up in bed with the lights out. Luckily the damn sun was doing down so my room got really dark. I keep it that way anyways because I am so sensitive to light that any brightness will trigger a migraine attack. My head finally cleared up when I decided to blog, otherwise there probably would not be a blog today. I wouldn’t be able to see what I was writing as my vision was so impaired. I really hate when my migraines cut my vision like that. It is really scary.

The best part of the day though was when my thumb started doing its twitching thing. I kept thinking it was my imagination (like I hoped it would be), until I placed it on the laptop and then my hand started twitching. Fuck. Now I really have to say something to my doctor about it. HA, but which doctor should I choose: psychiatrist (could be side effects), neurologist, or Primary? I don’t see my neuro till April and it doesn’t happen all the time. But it is getting more frequent in nature. I am not sure what it is. It could be nothing but a spasm or maybe carpel tunnel? As if I don’t have enough to worry about…

another day in the life of the midnightdemon

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I can’t say that I am having a good day today. I woke up wicked early today, again, after only sleeping a few hours. I was able to get in a little nap after my therapy appointment.

I still am not looking forward to tomorrow. Just the thought of spending all day at the doctor’s office is driving me nuts. And what is worse is I know my father will make it worse. You can read because he has to aggravate you so no use bringing a book. Sometimes I can get away with doing stuff on my phone but that entertainment only lasts for so long before I get bored. And the thing is I get to deal with him not only tomorrow but three days next week, My birthday, Christmas eve, and Christmas Day. I really hate next week.

Sadly, my menses have returned. It’s partially my fault as I forgot to refill the prescription until Monday. Next time I won’t throw away the package like I did last time and it will serve as a reminder for me. I usually am able to remember but I am human and forget. I just hope this stuff doesn’t last long as I hate wearing female underwear. It is totally irritating me. I so wish you can wear feminine products in boxers but you can’t. This isn’t going to go well with my psychiatrist Friday. But there is nothing I can do. I missed a pill. Got to pay the consequences. It still sucks.

I don’t remember what I talked about with my therapist, just that the session seemed to go on forever. I was medicated with pain meds so my brain was foggy. My ankle bone has been hurting me all day. I know we talked about the blog I wrote yesterday. She laughed at the part where I called her fungus. I think she might have taken a little offense to it but didn’t want to show it. I volunteered to edit it but she said that it was my creativeness and to let it be. She also received my packet of letters I sent her last week but hasn’t read them yet. Those are some dire letters she has. It was during my wicked down week. I think we also talked about commitment to living statement but I am not sure. I know I sent her a copy of the example but I didn’t mean for it to be taken as I am putting it in effect. We have to discuss the parameters before I can do that. She wanted my signature on the paper. She is nuts. I am not going to sign something that I didn’t agree to. That is just dumb.

We also talked about my suicidality in the blog. She is surprised I was able to write such a thing after I sent her a wicked nasty text saying I had enough, that I was going to kill myself the next day. I wonder what my psychiatrist thinks of my blog I wrote yesterday. I haven’t heard from her. That either means she read it and didn’t respond or she hasn’t gotten to it yet. Sometimes I can email her and she will respond right away and other times it takes her a while. I also sent the blog to a friend of mine but haven’t heard back from him either. It is so frustrating to send out something so personal and yet get no response.

I seem to be having one week up and then one week down. I don’t like this. Soon it will be a daily event where I cycle. I am not terribly up, like manic up, but when I am down, I am down for the count. I don’t want to do anything. I haven’t left my house all week. I can’t even tell you what day I did leave the house. I think it was Saturday before the snow storm to get some chicken patties so I could make a sandwich. That was it. To the grocery store and back. I did make a short trip to Walgreens to get my prescription on Monday. But other than that, I haven’t really left the house for anything. It’s been too cold and icy out. I can’t risk spraining my ankle. And we got more snow last night so I didn’t venture out today. I will have to go out tomorrow. I set my alarm for 7 as I need to leave the house by 8:30. I hope I don’t have a late night like I did last night. I didn’t go to bed till after 2 am and still woke up at fricken 7. I hate that.