Tag: writing

cup of coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression

Cup of coffee

I was up for at least 20 hours yesterday. Pain was the chief factor in keeping me up. Other than the ghosts in my head. Talking about stuff stirred things up. My goofy therapist thinks that I should write about it but there is really nothing to write about. What happened, happened and writing about it is not going to change the facts of the matter. I don’t think I will ever get closure to what I am feeling but oh well. Such is life.

I made breakfast this morning, pancakes. I didn’t think it was going to exhaust me but it did. It also flared up my sciatica. The temp is dropping so of course my back is acting up. But I really wanted a cup of coffee but I couldn’t make it. I was in too much pain. I waited till after therapy to make it. I used my last K-cup of Starbucks coffee. I just hope I will have at least 10 extra bucks next week to get another pack. Coffee is very good made on the Kuerig, though it is stronger than the coffee at Starbucks. It just is brewed that way.

Been listening to Pandora more than my MP3 player. The nice part of listening to Pandora is you don’t have to buy the songs you are hearing, unless you want it really bad. But it’s a nice alternative to my 200 songs that I have been hearing since last year. Those songs are about 15 hours of play time, though the shuffle doesn’t work right. And today the player just stopped working so I decided to listen to Pandora instead of turning the app back on. It is so aggravating that it will stop playing in the middle of a song.

I am not planning on going anywhere today. I am feeling really down since my therapy appointment. I need to shower and I really don’t feel like it. Thursday when I have my appointment with my father, I have decided to wear a diaper and I am not looking forward to it. The only bright side of it is that I will be dry. Thing is, I showered yesterday so I don’t feel like I should shower today. It is going to take every ounce of my being to do this task. I just am not looking forward to it. And I know it will suck all the energy from me. I really don’t remember the last time I took a shower that woke me up rather than tired me out. Obviously before I was in chronic pain. I could just cry right now for some odd reason. I just am so tired of being tired and in pain all the fricken time. But the coffee I had did its job and I feel a little more awake than I was before.

My psychiatrist has nicknamed the new part, Jekyll. I think it came out while I was in therapy today. I almost blurted out “I hate you” while I was on the phone with my therapist. It just came out of no where. I just got really angry but I didn’t show my anger. I kind of stepped back and talked really low. It was weird. Last night I finished reading the book of Jekyll and Hyde. It was very strange but enlightening. I loved the author’s use of language. It was a very good book. I don’t know that it has anything to do with dissociation, but the fact that evil could exist between one man and two parts is incredible. Hyde is like my evil part. He holds the suicidality that I hold close to my chest. Jekyll is the part I am clueless about. Though the part in the book is that Jekyll is benevolent and charitable, my part is angry, far from being kind. He holds hatred and disdain.

I do wonder if this part is what has been stirring up the memories I have been experiencing. It just is making feel really uneasy and I don’t want to deal with them. I rather they just stay where ever they were before I remembered them. They are not flashbacks, thank goodness. But the images I am seeing might as well be intrusive thoughts and I don’t like what I am seeing. And all of this started because I drank a cup of coffee that woke up my consciousness instead just taking a nap.

Don’t dream it’s over

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Don’t dream it’s over

I heard this song today and am reminded that despite a long road to recovery, I am still stuck with the condition known as Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). Today I talked a lot about it in my interview with the 1st years of medical school. There were like 5 or 6 students and three physicians in the room, one of whom was the person that interviewed me. He knew nothing about CES as he didn’t ask me one red flag symptom. He was an older gentleman so I am sure that he never heard of such a syndrome before. My psychiatrist was grateful I brought it to the students. She said she owes me one. But I don’t really know what that means. I just laughed because it was fun doing the interview.

My therapist read the last blog post that I sent her. She said that I summed up my traumatic experiences all in one paragraph. This left me feeling like “what is she talking about” so I had to read it. I always feel like my writing is cathartic so once the words are in a word doc or a piece of paper, they quickly lose their power in my memory banks. The paragraph was powerful and I couldn’t believe I wrote what I did. It made me wonder if I am ready to face the trauma I have endured over my lifetime, just one piece of it anyways. It is something that I have not discussed in great detail, not even with my therapist. But there is a song that keeps reminding me of what I went through and so it is on my mind a little more these days.

I have a beef with my doctor’s office. I saw my PCP’s Nurse Practitioner (NP) for a blood pressure check. My blood pressure is still in prehypertensive range. Not good. So instead of playing with the new blood pressure med I am on, she decides to add another medication. WTF. She was almost a half hour late so I couldn’t argue as I had to meet with my psychiatrist, and even my psych was like why am I being put on a third medication for the same condition?? I emailed my doc’s office to sort this out. I am not going to take it because it also acts as a diuretic, something I don’t need to be on. I already have issues with my bladder leaking and me being on something that is supposed to make the kidneys work better just isn’t going to fly with me. I also said that in the email, about the leaking piece, not about it not flying with me. I have enough problems and don’t really want to start wearing pads or diapers. So far I have been lucky to avoid them, but I think on days that I am going to be out more than a few hours, I might have to consider wearing them. I would use pads but they just don’t fit in boxers. I really feel bad for men who have to use tighty whities for pads. Least that is what I think they would have to wear. But I hate them as much as some men do.

I was talking to a friend today about a CES issue. She didn’t reassure me and said that I should talk to my neurologist about it. I haven’t seen her in over a year. And this issue I rather not be apart of my medical record. So now I am conflicted on what to do. I don’t even know if going to my neuro will help me with the issue. Course the easy thing is to stop doing what I am doing to cause the issue and problem solved! But I don’t know if I am having more nerve damage or not by ignoring the issue. What worries me is that I have a disc that is touching the nerve root of my issue. It isn’t compressing the nerve root so no one thinks I should have surgery. Although I am not advocating for more surgery as I most likely will need a fusion, I think that might be why I am having my issue. Either that or my nerves have suddenly have become awakened and now I just got to deal with them. Either way, it doesn’t look promising to me and it is an especially embarrassing topic for me. If I do see my neuro, at least I won’t have to mail her my book. I could just hand it to her!

The thing about my neuro is that she is great and all but her office staff sucks like yesterday’s garbage. Making an appointment is always a hassle, getting through to the office is always a hassle and then if I don’t have the copay, they cancel my appointment. Last time, they told me the wrong day of my appointment and I got charged for it. I have not paid it because they screwed up, not me. If they didn’t change the original appointment to begin with, none of this would have happened.
It has been a month now that I have been on an antidepressant. Since that time, my suicidality has decreased dramatically. I might not be euphoric, but I am doing okay. I don’t have mood swings like I used to. My sleep is still wonky but it’s better than it has been. The only sucky thing is that no matter what time I go to bed, I am always up before six. And on days like today where I had to be all over the hospital between my two appointments, it sucks. Even though I worked there for fourteen years, I goofed and made a wrong turn, thinking it would take me to the building I needed to go. NOPE. No access from the 2nd floor. It sucked because I then had to walk back to where I came from to go outside to get to the building I needed to be in. Lot of walking today. And my ankle is thanking me, oh so kindly. NOT.

Saturday Blog 10

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 10

I have been up since 4 this morning. I woke up in pain and have been unable to go back to sleep. All I have been doing is playing my Facebook game. I made breakfast around 6.

What is freaking me out is that last night when I was preparing my meds, my most important pill escaped. It rolled off the bed and I have been unable to find it. In trying to find it just now, I have aggravated my sciatica. Monday when I have the “mock” interview, I plan on that being my chief complaint. I think that will be a nice way to introduce CES to the interviewer. I hope I don’t have to explain what CES is. I really don’t because every time I have to explain it to a medical professional, my heart sinks in the confidence I have in the individual. Although CES is considered a rare condition, I know of about or more than 500 cases in countries around the world. Those are the ones that are true cases. But what doctors don’t get, is the aftercare of dealing with CES. Often the immediate condition is dealt with (often a ruptured disc or broken vertebraes), the person left with this condition requires care that is outside of surgery’s realm. Pain is a common occurrence. I know that for me, I still had back pain after surgery. It wasn’t until I was on regular opioid medication that I was free from this pain. Now I am taking it because it caused another condition, complex regional pain syndrome, in my nerve damaged left foot and ankle. I never recovered 100%. Plus I got hit with this condition for a second time, 5 years later. I think that is what “did me in”, so to speak. If I didn’t have this for a second time, I think I would have recovered fully. But alas, that didn’t happen.

Today I am still dealing with the effects of Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). I am in pain nearly every day in my ankle and foot, sometimes my leg if the pain is really bad. It usually hurts because I don’t wear my AFO (ankle foot orthotic). I did a lot of activity on Thursday and I am still dealing with the after effects. I find that if I do a lot, I pay for it later, sometimes up to three days. It sucks.

I am in a lot of pain right now because the temperature dropped. It is cold and my foot hates it. I just took some pills to ease it. I am going to try and take a nap as being up since 4 am is not good. My foot feels like there are ice cubes on it, it feels so cold, even with a sock on it. But I am now back in my bed rather than my sister’s kitchen watching Spongebob. I was watching my niece for a little bit today.

Meeting with my Pdoc

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Meeting with my Pdoc

I found out that my doc wanted to really know what had happened last week. I had emailed her to let her know that I had a dissociative episode and the next thing I know she wants to meet with me. I initially had an appointment with her on Friday but she moved it up to today. I was surprised that my email generated such concern, but then it is not usual for me to have these dissociative episodes. I told her everything that I had told my therapist this past week about it. She kept on calling the new person Hyde, and I had to correct her that it wasn’t Hyde, but another person. I gave a description of what went on, before I fell asleep that night. I still remember in detail about what went on because I was in somewhat control. It was just scary to me because the person inside me was so angry.

She, like my therapist, had no explanation for me. She knows that I am not DID but I do dissociate. The thing was, as I told her, the alter was familiar. I know I have felt him before but this was before I knew about dissociation and the like. I also told her that I was under heavy narcotics and she thinks that instead of me hallucinating, I dissociated. But if that were the case, this would happen more often as I do take these meds frequently. I have to, to keep my pain levels from driving me to suicide. She knows I need my pain medication. I still think that low blood sugar contributed more than just taking my meds.

Before we concluded, she asked me if I wanted to do the mock interview for her 1st year medical students. I said sure and she specifically wants me to talk about Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES). That is not a problem. I have talked about it before and I can certainly talk about it again. My brace should be sufficient cause to raise an eyebrow or two. The only thing that sucks is that I have to be interviewed by the same older woman as last year. She intimidated me and kept my answers short. I couldn’t elaborate because I felt like she lost interest in what I was saying a few sentences into the answers to her question. It was like I should only be saying yes or no to her questions, which is not possible when you are trying to teach medical students about something as complex as CES.

As we were talking about Hyde, she asked me if I read the book. I told her I didn’t and so she recommend that I read it. I got a free download of it on Kindle. I will read it after I make some progress with my Civil War book. I have so many books that I am in the middle of that I hate to start a new one. She considered me calling the new “he” Jekyll. I wouldn’t mind that.

She asked me what I wanted to be called. I said GC. She asked why I didn’t go for Alex, I said it didn’t fit for me and I tried Mike for a year. GC just seems like a good name to choose and she agreed.