Tag: writing

Still struggling big time

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Still struggling big time. I had three things to do today: go to the post office, brush my teeth, and shower. I got two of the three things done. I still haven’t showered. I got a big headache and am waiting for it to settle down. I just want to stay in bed and lie down.

I was hoping for a session with my therapist today but it doesn’t look promising. I have been sending her texts today about how my day has been. I was sad to find out that a psychologist died today. My therapist introduced me to him and I bought his book. I can’t remember what the book was about now. Maybe it was a chapter as I can’t seem to find the book on Amazon. It was more than a few years ago and my memory can’t seem to hold on to stuff like it used to.

I took my morning meds this morning. I was able to take the mood stabilizer and Cymbalta. My aunt canceled our lunch date. It was good that she did as my back has been aching all day. It just rained a little while ago so I know that is the reason. My back always knows when precipitation is coming.

I am glad I was able to take my meds. Maybe I can be on a roll as I have been taking them every day for the past three days. Today was the first day that I wasn’t completely knocked out. But I do feel drowsy. I haven’t had any coffee today so maybe that is what I need when I take my meds. I just feel so sleepy. I know part of it is the depression. I have lost my appetite. Yesterday all I had was a bagel for the entire day. And today I had a bowl of cereal and a banana. I just am not hungry like I used to be. I don’t even have food cravings.

I don’t know why I am so tired. But I don’t sleep. I just lie there. And my brain is toast. I don’t even think of things, except to take a shower. Maybe I should and it will wake me up. But then I think of the hassle of getting undressed and washing up that I just don’t want to do it. Everything is a hassle in self care. Brushing your teeth, showering, washing up, just the whole of it is too much for me right now. It’s much easier to stay the way I am. If I did have to go out, maybe that would force me to shower. But I don’t have to go anywhere, so why bother.

I finally got a sale on my book today. I was thrilled for a whole five minutes. Then I was back to my grumpy self. I still have to work on my paper that I have been procrastinating on. It will give me something to do and I just don’t want to do it. I hate struggling like this. But at least I wrote it out on paper. Half the work is done.

I have been reading more on Joiner’s theory of thwarted belongingness and perceived burdensomeness. I am reading his book on “Myths of Suicide”. I can understand where he is coming from but I still don’t believe whole heartedly with his theory. I still believe there has to be an element of psychological pain for suicide to happen. I will talk about this more in my paper.

Well, I have exhausted myself. Seems I can’t so anything for long without getting extremely tired, including writing this blog.

Swedish study

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

I just read about a Swedish study that said that depression and psychiatric conditions are major factors to suicide. DUH. But what was startling me more was that of the 18 suicide deaths in their study, all were diagnosed within a 13 week period, were seen by a health care professional (HCP), and my biggest question was WHY the hell weren’t they treated with follow up?? Other factors were being male, unemployed, and unmarried. Geez, I fit those criteria. So why am I not dead by suicide?? I am perplexed. Granted it has been more than 13 weeks since I was diagnosed with depression. But I do have the other factors. I have a spine condition, chronic pain, and other psychiatric disorder (I also suffer from psychosis). Why am I still alive?? I just don’t understand it. Now wonder why I am chronically suicidal. It all makes sense to me now. I am suicidal because statistically, I should be dead. I don’t think there will ever be a day when I am not suicidal.

Mr. Hyde and nerve pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, suicidality

I have been thinking the past few days. Yes that has been the smoke that has been circulating in the air in Boston. Apparently on Tuesday in the throws of another pain episode I was barely aware of, I sent my therapist a text. It said that I cannot go on living like this, with this level of pain. I have no recollection of sending it. I knew I sent it because it is my phone but it sounded more of Mr. Hyde. I have been trying to wrap my head around Hyde. He likes to come around at various times and sometimes I can “catch him” and other time he alludes me. But I am cracking down on when he is likely to occur. When I am deeply hopeless, suicidal, and in severe physical pain. All three must be present for Hyde to emerge. The sucky part about this is my safety because Hyde want to die. I wasn’t in danger of dying, as far as I know, Tuesday but I could have. I just wanted to sleep, and fairly succeeded on doing that. I also have to be in a sleep state to bring Hyde out. He is more likely to show himself while I am overtired. Like I am now.

I just had zaps go through my foot. Just imagine the shock you get when you place your tongue on a 9 volt battery, minus the metallic taste and you have the zaps I get in my feet. Sometimes they are stronger than a 9 volt. And they jolt me awake, like tonight. I was ready to turn in but my PTSD symptoms (hypervigilance and anxiety) have taken over. It is going to take another Ativan to calm down. Hyde doesn’t like Ativan too much. It makes me really sleepy so I do sleep. It doesn’t cause me to do other weird stuff like Neurontin does. I know that I am not having another attack of CES and that things will be ok but in my head, I am “excited” and fearful of when the next zap is going to come. Usually if I stretch out my legs, it makes it worse. So I have to sit with my legs up so they don’t get zapped. And there is nothing I can take for it. The zaps come and go as they please. They don’t last long enough for me to take anything, but boy do they cause havoc!!

I am listening to Luke Bryan. He has some really good songs that I love listening to over and over again. He has that southern voice that I just love. It can be a fast song or a slow one and I just swoon over his voice. It’s not relaxing like Mary Chapin, but it will do.

I really need to go to bed soon. It’s after midnight and I need to be up at six. I need to take a shower and get ready to take my sister’s car. I will need a large coffee to help my mood. The good thing is that I don’t need to rush because I don’t have to pick up my father till 830. I then have to take him for a blood draw for his Coumadin test. He doesn’t know it yet but he will.

Well, I think the zaps have settled down some. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Or tomorrow is going to suck…

not a better day in sight

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I didn’t write a blog yesterday. So I thought I would try and write two today. I was in a daze yesterday and it had nothing to do with drugs. I just was extremely tired so I slept all day. All I had to eat was some scrambled eggs that I made around three in the afternoon. Today I made the same thing. Seems I have moved away from making an egg sandwich to scrambled eggs.

Today I have been up since five. I have been trying to go back to sleep but have failed. I don’t have anything to do today except to pick up my sister’s car when it’s done at the mechanic’s shop. I supposed I will have to pick her up for work as well.

I had therapy today. I really just want to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be another early day as I have an appointment with my father again. I have to take him for testing. All this month, I have to take him to one appointment or another. I am just exhausted.

The other night I wrote about theories on suicide because I couldn’t sleep. I still have to type it up. Maybe if I do, it can be my second blog for the day. But I am not sure it is done. I have to work on it some more. But the big thing is typing it out. I have it handwritten right now. Much good that will do me to blog about.

I still am trapped in the depression. I don’t know what I was doing yesterday, I think I was getting dressed, and my clothes just felt so heavy to pick up. This is getting ridiculous to have ordinary things that I have picked up a thousand times, all of sudden feel heavy. How can a T-shirt weigh so much?? A thousand, sure, but one?? I just don’t get it. And my brain hurts today to think. I got up early because my sister wanted me to be up but I got the hours mixed up. I was supposed to be at her house at 730 not 630. DOH. So I had to wait an hour for her to get ready and stuff. I got to see my little niece (she is 9 but she is still my baby). I haven’t seen her all week because I just been cooped away in my room. We usually watch one of her TV shows together. But lately I haven’t been in the mood to go down the stairs. It bothers my foot sometimes and I just need to rest it. Yesterday was the same thing. I checked the mail because I am waiting for something from my friend in Canada and by the time I made the two flights back to my room, my ankle exploded. I couldn’t deal with the rest of the day so I just took my pain meds and went to sleep. I didn’t take my night time meds last night. I woke up at midnight and just couldn’t get out of bed. So I just went back to sleep. I don’t know why my right hip is bothering me today. If I didn’t have to pick up my sister, I would be taking some pain meds to relieve it.

I still have my menses. It is making me feel gross and I think I am internalizing that feeling. Even after a shower, I still feel disgusting. Something I didn’t discuss in therapy today. I actually didn’t say much today. Having three sessions in a row wears you out. All I wanted to do was go back under the covers and sleep. Which I have yet to do. I have gone back under but sleep has been eluding me. It came so easy yesterday. I think the stress of having to deal with my father the day before just wiped me out. I have to deal with him again tomorrow. I have the afternoon free, I hope. Maybe I won’t go back to bed and I will go to Starbucks and write. I don’t know. All depends on my mood.

I still feel like black clouds are following me. I have no answers to my psychiatrist when I see her on Friday. I haven’t been taking the increase in medication because I have been driving. I could have taken my dose today had my sister told me before now that she is being picked up by her husband and I don’t need to pick her up. Just wasted two hours waiting for the call for the car and I was waiting for nothing. But I can take my pain medication if I need to. I haven’t been going up and down the stairs today. I only been going down, if I absolutely need to. It’s helped to stay off my feet. I just hope that the pain stays away tonight. I would like a pain free night if I am going to be up early again tomorrow to take my sister to work.