Tag: writing

Easter Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome

Happy Easter to those that celebrate it. I had a good family outing that wasn’t stressful. I ate too much though, so my stomach is killing me at the moment.

For the past two weeks or so, I have been having bladder spasms, either following a urination or just before. Today I decided to take a home UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) test to see if I do indeed have one. Sure enough, I do. Just great. I am going to have to call my doctor tomorrow and see if I can get some antibiotics. I hope I don’t get the nurse when I call. They are clueless with nerve injury patients. Because I don’t feel right, I don’t get the burning or pain on urination like normal people get. It usually is bad enough when it reaches the bladder. I am very uncomfortable. This is my first tract infection in almost three years. Not bad, I guess, considering.

I have not been feeling well the last few days as the spasms have gone from a few times a day to all the time. Or it is just pain. I really can’t tell the difference. I just know that something is not right and I feel discomfort in my lower abdomen. I just hope tomorrow, if I have to go in, I can pee. I cannot pee on demand. I will have to make sure I drink a lot before the appointment so that I can go. Just another lovely consequence of cauda equina syndrome. Something that I neglected to put into my book.

I am hoping to have a session with my therapist tomorrow. I hope she will have a time available for me. I still am feeling stressed over my anxiety and my issues with a couple of friends. I was overreacting with one of my friends and the other I still don’t know what is going on. It will be good to talk to her to get a sense if my paranoid self is playing a part in this. Yes, I am taking my meds, but it takes a while for it to work.

I have been more tired lately than I have been. It is most likely due to fighting this infection that I have than anything. Plus being in pain/discomfort all the time is tiring. I haven’t been running a fever or anything. Just been feeling worn out. I just hope I get to see my doc because if I get someone else, I have to explain the whole thing about my nerve injury and how I don’t feel things anymore thanks to a disc pressing on my nerves. I once had to hand my doctor’s nurse information about cauda equina syndrome because she was so difficult. She just couldn’t understand why I couldn’t feel and thought it must be something else that is causing it. Air brain! Course, it doesn’t help that I have been eating asparagus the past two days. I just feel so icky. I think I am going to take a nap again. Seems every night around 18:30 (630 pm) I feel the need for one. I don’t know why as I got up late today (after 0900). Oh well, and I had a cup of coffee around 1600. So much for that waking me up…

Saturday Blog 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging

It’s Saturday blog time!

I have been trying not to obsess about the sales stats as things have been slow. I got a new buyer today that is selling the book for less than what my book costs and lower what Amazon is offering. It’s a seller I am not familiar with but if they sell my book, I don’t care.

It has been a stressful week. I have been paranoid the beginning of the week but am now settling down. I have had to take increase doses of PRNs (take as needed meds) to keep me from going to the psych emergency room. I got to meet with my psychiatrist yesterday and she was excited about my book. She is my biggest support. I don’t know what I would do without her.

It’s a nice day outside but it’s cold in the house. I am under three blankets and am about to put on a long sleeved shirt. My mother made cookies today, choc chip, my favorite. I hope I don’t eat them all today. LOL Tomorrow is Easter and we celebrate it. I don’t go to church or anything but we have a family dinner.

I don’t know why, but I have been drowsy all day today. I woke up at 11 and have not done anything, other than eat cookies. I did have lunch of fish and chips (fries) while watching the ball game. I also finished making out the customs forms for my shipping out my book overseas. I have two going to UK and one going to Switzerland. I think I might have one going to South Africa but my friend hasn’t emailed me yet on how he wants to proceed.

I unfriended a long time friend last night. He was annoying me and I don’t know what I did but I seemed to piss him off too. Before it escalated any further, I just unfriended him. It really hurt to do that because I have known him for such a long time. But I can’t take sarcastic, rude remarks from him anymore. Funny I am writing this, and “What hurts the most” by Rascal Flatts comes on the radio. It could be that I am overreacting. It has been a long stressful week for me.

This time last week, I was probably sleeping and waiting for approval for my proof to come in. I had not published on Kindle yet, that would come a day later. Amazing how fast a week goes. And I had a HUGE accomplishment to make the week special. Now my book is available in paperback and I have seen the paperback in someone’s hands so I know it is real. I have two proofs that I am not sure what I am going to do with it. I will probably put them somewhere safe. A friend from Mexico gave me this box that smells nice so I might place it in there if the books fit.

I also need to work on my signature. I think that will be my task for the week.

horrible feeling

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychosis

I was supposed to type up a blog tonight about things but never got to so I will post it another time.

I got a little crazy last night, actually, more impatient because I wasn’t falling asleep fast enough. I was really tired and took my meds but my damn brain just wouldn’t shut off. Then I got really paranoid. I still believe a fellow blogger is after me though I know that is highly unlikely. I just can’t help feel that this person is out to get me, and is watching what I say I do through the web. I know part of this is because I missed taking my meds the beginning of the week. Not taking the pink pill really does a number on me when I don’t take it. My therapist wants me in the hospital. Pisses me off because other than babysitting me, what the hell are they going to do?? I have to give the meds time to work. Sure they can drug me up good like the last time I was there but I don’t want that. They had me on almost 12 mg of trilafon at one point because I was paranoid WHILE in the hospital. I thought the staff was going to harm me and wanted to barricade myself in my room. But I thought if I did that, how would my roommates get to their stuff and bed so I didn’t. I told the contact person, who made me get some PRNs and I got drugged up some more. I hated it. The regular voices that I had went bye-bye and I was all alone. I hated it.

I told myself that if I became psychotic again, I wouldn’t let my therapist or psychiatrist talk me into going in the hospital. I will do whatever it takes to avoid another hospitalization. Right now, I am trying not to obsess about my stats too much. I don’t know why I have to be such a nerd. I check my blog stats, I check my sales stats, it’s always stats. And I did poorly in the class that I took. I never understood, and still don’t, know what the numbers really mean. It took me hours to get it. Now, I understand a little more but I really just look at sample size and the P value of things rather than percentages and graphs. I hate graphs. I always had a hard time making them in college. I could never get the Y and X values right. I always mixed them up so my graph looked stupid.

I had therapy today. My therapist is worried about me. A few bloggers are too. I just hate feeling this way. I just want to end it and I don’t have a real good explanation on why I want to die. Is that terrible? I just published my book and now I want to die. What does that say? No one knows how I feel. I just feel fucking crazy right now. The voices keep telling me I am being watched. It’s a horrible feeling. Hope that it only takes a few PRNs to make them go away.

human barometer

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Had a long day. Woke up early, didn’t eat anything most of the day and then got a migraine. Been on and off gagging so should have known to take my migraine pill with me but sometimes it just turns out to be post nasal drip. I never know when I am going to have a migraine.

I feel a little bit better now that I had something to eat and taken my meds. But I feel wicked wiped out. Guess I will be going to bed early tonight as there is no way I can stay up late after being up at fricken six.

I feel really poorly. Like someone popped the balloon I was in. I don’t know why I feel this way. Maybe it is just because I am over tired. I am so glad I no longer work. Because if I had to do a shift, I think I would cry. I am hurting in all kinds of ways. I almost started bawling while watching the old TV show Emergency. I don’t know why. But I caught myself.

I got my second proof today and I do NOT like it. I should have kept things the way they were with proof one. But it’s ok, long as some jerk doesn’t criticize me for my formatting faults. Course, I am my own worse critic.

I sold my first ten copies today. Four more came in and I am very happy about that so I don’t understand why I am so blue. I am glad I have therapy tomorrow. I also tried getting an appt with my pdoc. But she hasn’t answered my email. I will give her till tomorrow to answer and then I will send another. She is bound to answer one of them. Though, if she is in email jail, it might take her a while to get back to me. I am so glad I don’t have to worry about email jail anymore. I used to be in it so often, it would drive me crazy. At least once a week, usually on a Saturday when we had downtime, I would clean out my inbox to make room for new stuff.

But that was when I was working. Now, with my private email, I don’t have to worry about being in jail.

I completed the paperwork that my long term disability required, sealed the envelope, and then realized I skipped a section I was supposed to fill out. FUCK. I wanted to go back to it but I really just wanted to stuff the envelope and be done with it. It has been sitting in my “inbox” for at least a week already. Luckily, because I have not gotten paid anything from my book sales, I don’t have to declare it. And it’s not a salary with a W2 form so I don’t think I do have to declare it. Not that it is much right now. I have made less than hundred dollars. LOL My book is a hit! NOT. I hope one day it will be, but maybe the first one doesn’t sell well and the second will.

I already started working on my second book. Yea, I know I said I wasn’t ready for it but I am BORED. I have NOTHING to do with my time, except for going to Starbucks to journal. And that takes only three to four hours out of my day. I need something to do other than scroll through Facebook every ten minutes.

It’s really windy today. I nearly lost my baseball cap at least once today. But the weather was beautiful, otherwise. My back is aching because it was like 40 yesterday and now it’s 70. I HATE these extremes because it just causes me so much pain. But I am the human barometer when it comes to the weather. And it sucks.