Moments

How I feel right now is pitiful indeed. My thoughts are surrounded by suicidal ideation and I really don’t think I can get out this month without trying to end my life. The feelings are hard pressed. They cut through me like a knife, they hit me deep within my soul. The midnight demons I call them are going to kill me one day. I just cannot seem to stop thinking of ending my life. I have a date and how I am going to do it. I just need to figure out the where and what time. No one will stop me. I have decided that I am not going to tell anyone except this online blog. I know that what I am feeling right now will change by morning and I won’t feel this way again until after the midnight hour. The pain is horrible and fills every crevice of my being. I can’t go on feeling like this but it is just a moment. I have to try and remember that and that it will pass. I get so tired of feeling this way all the time. I plan to the nth degree the end of my suffering in detail and then when the time comes to execute my plan, I most of the time do not have the energy to do it or the will or the feeling to say, yea my time has come. I feel evil and demonic and most of all crazy with this feeling of I have to get rid of this feeling. It’s like a never ending game and it hits every year. I feel trapped and isolated. No one knows my suffering. No one really cares that I am suffering. NO one wants me to die but I don’t want to live. These moments will pass but the thoughts are all that I will have left on this blog. I doubt by morning light I will not remember this turmoil I am going through right now. It is killing me with every fiber of my being not to act on the impulse that I feel. But I do not want to be found in my house. I will find a hotel room and do my deed there or just drive some place off in the horizon. This moment will pass…this moment will pass…this moment will pass…