Rambling 9

Spent the day catching up on my TiVo. I was running out of room and want to make sure I can record the CMA’s next week.
So today was supposed to be the day I ended my life. Like I suspected, it was just another day in the life of Midnight demons haunting me but without the impulse to take my life. Watching my favorite shows kind of helped. I really have not been watching much tv except for baseball or football games. Also been listening to the new music by Casey James and Jason Aldean. I don’t know why but my music has veered toward male vocalists. I guess it’s mostly because there hasn’t been any new female artist that I like lately. Don’t really think too much of Taylor’s new CD, Red. Songs aren’t resonating with me and when songs don’t resonate with me I tend not to enjoy listening to music too much. Plus her music on this CD is very different than her previous albums.
I haven’t texted my therapist the past few days. There is nothing really that I want to convey to her. I know I should just to check in but I just don’t feel like bothering.
I got a new software program to help my typing. I figure while I am on the computer anyways I might put it to good use. Maybe it will help decrease the time I spend hitting the backspace button .
It’s after 9pm EST and my pain levels have just peaked. My ankle feels like it is going to break. I feel so bloated I think I am the meatball I just ate, and I just feel like I am a worthless POS. My therapist has accused me of not taking my meds because my mood has been so awful. She still tries to get me to see my psychiatrist but she hasn’t responded to any of my emails so I can’t say that I haven’t tried. I have been taking my meds even though they probably aren’t doing much to really help me. I have decreased my pain meds even though I probably shouldn’t. I just don’t see the point of taking it unless the pain is unbearable. Like it is right now. It is not at the suicidal point but I am uncomfortable and in agony. I just test my limits of my pain threshold. The hard part is that the threshold varies. Right now my pain is an 8 on a scale of 1-10. And the nerve pain (burning has begun and it feels like my foot is sooo hot but is cool to the touch. But it could be a 6 tomorrow and I will be ok with dealing my pain. I sometimes don’t even notice the pain, that is how used to it I am. It usually registers above a 6. There is no reason for it, but today I have been up and down the stairs a lot today. I had groceries delivered so I had to. Then I had to stay on my feet and put them away. I knew I would pay for it.
Tomorrow I am supposed to go out with a friend for brunch. I haven’t seen him since I was first out on disability in April. I know it will be good to go out with him. I am kind of looking forward to it but I have been so depressed I sometimes don’t want to get out of bed just to go to the bathroom. It takes a lot of “spoons” to get ready. I have no idea what I am going to wear and it always causes me anxiety whenever I have to go out. I just can’t make a simple decision on what to wear. It kills me to just look at my clothes and just stand there and be indecisive. I hate it. I need to shower and take care of my personal hygiene that I have not been so great at doing the past few days. I figure if I am not going to go out, why bother.
I have been trying for the past week to change my bedding. I even got new sheets to try and today it took all the energy I had just to take my “office” off my bed so I could get to my sheets. By my office I mean literally my laptop, notebook, journal, research articles, notepads, mail, and whatever clothes that I just happened to put on the side of the bed I don’t sleep on. I keep these things handy because I never know when the urge to write is going to hit me and I am particular when I have some paper I want to write on when it hits. I have yellow legal pads and white composition notebooks. Sometimes the color matters sometimes it doesn’t. I just need it handy because if I have a running train of thoughts I want a pad of paper and pen handy. I keep a box of pens on my nightstand because I like pens. I must have over $1000 USD worth of pens. I have pens of every color, style, ink quality, you name it. Lately my pen of choice is Uniball Jetstream. I love this pen. It is so smooth when you write with it. It doesn’t smear and supposedly it prevents check fraud. I rarely write out checks anymore but I do write a lot with these pens. My other favorite pen that I like is the Pilot V ball. Those pens do smear but I like the scratching noise it makes on paper. But I rarely use this pen since finding the Jetstream. I have been so crazy with this pen I have at least 2 dozen pens and even bought refills for my pens. And I keep buying more. If I leave the house without a pen, I will buy it. Even if I don’t write with it, I have to have a pen. So far the only store that sells my pen is CVS. Walgreens stopped stocking it .
Thank you for reading this ramble.