another night of pain 2

19/20-Feb-13 0115

I had a long day today and I am not kidding. I have been up since 0700 and it is now 0100. I did way too much and I did it without doing too much. I just had a long day. First it was with my eye appointment and dinner with friends. I did some exercises while waiting for the bus and my foot refused to go heel to toe. It kept swerving to go back to the heel. Tired. Then I did some dorsiflexion and that really made my foot hate me. I thought I was getting better because the pain had decreased some but I can’t fix the weakness that is in my foot. Not after 12 years. It just refuses to cooperate with me and I really don’t think any amount of physical therapy is going to get my foot a 5-5 again. I have had so many trips to physical therapy that I know the exercises by heart. I might do them if I feel like it but none of them address the weakness in my foot to make it stronger. But then I am pessimistic about it ever returning to a 5-5. If fatigues quickly to go to a 3-5 and then I am screwed the rest of the day. I found this out tonight. It was tough walking home because I could feel my foot swerving to walk and by the time I was half way to my street, the pain started and I had to stop. When going up on the curb, I barely cleared it, almost stumbling. This makes me depressed and distraught. Tomorrow I am supposed to start a psychotherapy group and I am afraid that I am going to have to wear the AFO because I don’t know if my foot is going to be ok. I am exhausted but right now but I have pain and my meds have not kicked in. My back is aching because it is raining outside. All I want is some sleep but my foot/ankle is angry at me right now. I hate myself for doing the stupid exercises. I should have known I was fatigued but it’s hard to realize when there is no pain. Now I am feeling the pain because I am finally at rest and I want to go to sleep. It is always like that. Soon as the body is ready to sleep, the pain says “no stupid you are not going to sleep because you did too much today and you are going to pay for it”. I am such an idiot. Here I thought I was doing something constructive and all it did was make me hurt. I am ready to say fuck it about the group but it is my first meeting. Maybe things won’t be bad tomorrow like I predict it will. I just hope I can wake up early enough to make myself a cup of coffee before leaving the house. Priority number one!!