Midnight demons rise again
I was having a real painful night last night. The menses have stopped but the depression is still in full gear. I tried to stay “conscious” even though I was tired so that the demons didn’t come out and I sent some more good bye letters. I was doing fine until I couldn’t take the physical pain anymore and just posted a status on Facebook “everyone wants to turn a blind eye to the pain i experience every day. so be it. when they ask for something I will just tell them no can’t do it because of pain. maybe then they will get the message..I am too tired of fighting all my thoughts are dark and no one cares or gives a shit” . With me having posted this status, I was finally able to sleep. Then the interesting comments began. The latest one that I woke up to this morning is that one of my “friends” is going to kick my butt. WTH I don’t need that shit. I know she was joking, but come on! It so pissed me off and was so uncalled for. I wanted to reply a big FUCK YOU to her but what would be the point? I don’t remember posting the status anyway and it was how I felt at the time. I am just glad I didn’t email my psychiatrist like I really wanted to.
I did however write several pages to my therapist last night. I think the comp book is going to get filled up very quickly this week. I have been getting the itch to write. Sometimes it’s hard though because I don’t have a clear idea of what I want to say. Other times, once I do get started, it flows like a river. I don’t remember what I wrote about. Just some stuff that I wrote in my blog and how I was hoping that the midnight demons wouldn’t come out. Apparently, I was wrong. I am kind of pissed and I didn’t take my Neurontin this time around so it definitely is a psychological thing and not a medication thing. Like it would be that easy. After the Sox game is when I noticed I came apart. I just was really mad they lost again. And that the stupid fucking Rays won. We (Sox) still are in first place but I am not sure for how much longer if the Rays continue to win and we lose. I am getting very frustrated. But the bullpen just isn’t as strong as it was and the bats aren’t as hot as they were. It’s like both equations for the team have been null.
Anyways, so after the Sox game I noticed I got really tired and was going to go to sleep but I was playing my music and it was keeping me up, like fighting sleep up. I then had the urge to write something, anything. I really think that is when the demon came out. It didn’t take over completely, like it has in the past, as I was still trying to stay in control. But my mood just got wicked down and the pain in my foot and ankle went berserk. I think after my ankle and foot pain went nuts, so did I. I just lost control, hence why I posted that status on FB. But I felt better after I posted it and got some understanding responses. I didn’t get the rude response until this morning. I don’t get why people in pain respond that way. I don’t find it funny at all. And this person suffers from chronic pain too so I really don’t get it.
I still am feeling tired despite sleep most of the afternoon. My mother made some fish for supper so I had some of that. I really want some ice cream so I will probably go down to get it in a little bit, after I finish my writing.
My foot has been “good” most of the day, though now it’s fricken cold and hurts. This is not good because once it warms up, it will really WARM up. Even if I take my pain medication now, there is no telling that it will work or not. I have to wait till it warms up before taking the pain meds. I have tried taking the pain meds while anticipating and thinking it will lessen the pain but it doesn’t always work out that way. I really wish there was a pill I could take that would keep me pain free for at least 24 hrs. But there isn’t.
Last night I read a report about Gmail not being private anymore so I was off switching email accounts on my support group. I now use a Hotmail address for everything and I have several accounts that I have made over the years. My main email I have had since being with MSN in 2001. I recently have opened one specifically for my blog. This is so I know which account has the specific things I need. One is my personal, one is for my group, and then one is for my blog. I know it might sound weird but I like it this way. It’s just another organization system in my head. The trick though is remembering the passwords!! Because the group is yahoo and I hate using Yahoo mail, I had to log on, again. My email got corrupted once so I had to say my account was compromised to get a new password. Now I wrote it down in my journal so I know what it is should I have to go back into it. I hate Yahoo. But I guess if you have a strong password to begin with you are ok. My other passwords are the same or I try to keep them same if possible so they are easier to remember.
I am so excited that my menses have finally stopped. I would jump for joy but that probably would not be good for my ankle.
midnightdemons7 