You know, I never really thought ahead with time before. I found that if I did it overwhelmed me too much so I always stuck with today or the hour or sometimes the minute because I had to. But now with this book that is turning into my baby, I am finding myself looking forward to the future more. Totally a weird sensation. I am not saying this makes me less depressed. It makes me a little less suicidal or have suicidal thoughts that float more rather than linger.
Today I have been in a weird space. I had a good session with my therapist and for some reason it put me in a good mood. Now I am wondering if I am hypomanic because I am in a good mood and have been up since 5. Things with the hypomania can spiral out of control quickly so if I am not my usual pessimistic self I tend to worry.
My writing friend said that I should write about this weird sensation but I am finding it difficult to because it is so not like me to think about the future. Usually my future is pitch black. I don’t have one. I know everyone does, but for a LONG time I just didn’t. Thinking about the future brought worry and anxiety. I had to get through today first and that was always difficult enough so I stopped thinking about future things. I still think that I can get my degree and my doctorate and be the therapist that I want to be. I know that I don’t want to be old and gray though, too. I have Alzheimer’s on both sides of my family so I know there is a good chance that I might get it. I already am having trouble with memory. I often write things and I forget that I write them. I don’t know if it is the dark side or just another part of me that was in the moment and I had these ideas. I am sure when I look back on this post, I am going to be like WTF, I wrote this?? That is so unlike me! And it is and that is what is weird.
My friend also thought that I don’t reward myself because of my suicidality. I have been suicidal for so long that I don’t think I can look past a month at a time without fearing losing my life. It’s like I am a Klingon and wake up every morning asking is this the day I am going to die? People don’t understand this. I know my family would be watching me like a hawk if they had any clue just how suicidal I have been the past few months. And the past two days I have felt like I have been in an alternate reality or something because thinking of my future is so not me. But this book that I am writing and sort of slaving over has given me a different perspective. I want to see this book published. I want to see this book successful. If I sell 100 copies, I will be happy, least for a little while. But I didn’t go on disability to be a successful writer. The bad stuff is still under the surface. I was re-reading “Touched with Fire” and came across a quote from Hugo Wolf “I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk too, before others quite reasonably and it looks as if I felt, too. God knows how well within my skin, yet the soul maintains its deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds”. This is so true of me. I appear to be merry, cheerful, happy to the outside world but inside I am tormented and my heart bleeds. Nothing can stop the bleeding. I thought that working on this book would help the ache, and it has to some degree but it is still there. I might not be feeling it 100% of the time, all the time, but it is still there. I can’t deny it anymore than I can deny my foot pain that also is my nemesis. I am my own worst enemy. But today I can say that I am more a friend.
midnightdemons7 
I agree with you, Mike to liking the quote(can’t remember author’s name) there’s Alzheimer’s in my family too and it scares me to death because I grieved deeply as I watched my mother slowly die of it over the course of 12 years–back to the quote. I feel that my heart has those 1,000 slashes in it from the many depressions that I have been through during the past 34 years, but no one can see them in the same way no one can see the thoughts of suicide that “Linger” about, getting stronger at than Satan is on my back and then began lingering around me again .if your book is like your child, maybe it will prevent you from making that final death move. I truly believe that it is my 3 daughters and 5 grands that have stopped me. Yet my talk therapist just this past Thurs. Had the nerve to say that he did not think my depression was much of one or I could not be talking of the delight that I take only grandchildren & how spending time with any of them helps pull me out of that “slimy pit” that is my depression .I wanted to scream at him,” Then YOU try to live in this body and deal with my crazy ADD-affected brain while you are in there. New paragraph: Mike, you commented recently that you had not seen any recent comments from me. Look at the recent CRSSG support group comments and I think you see some words from me that were for you & I indicated that they were for you (I put your name there so as to let that be clear. Fondly, Judy in NC
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I totally relate to feeling suicidal for so long. I put a ‘happy’ face on so others don’t know that inside I don’t have a real future. It’s good you are writing a book, and that is something big right there…
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