I still have been in a weird mood. I don’t know why. Seems so weird that last week I was in the depths of a suicidal depression and this week I am the complete opposite. I am not manic or anything because I am eating and sleeping at least 6 hours. I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. I am a little more depressed today than I was yesterday though so maybe I am going back to my normal depressed self.
I editing my book today and I just felt sad about it. People are going to be reading about my condition called Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) and know about my difficulties going to the bathroom and my issues with taking a shower. I know I shouldn’t really put it out there but my book is compiled of my blogs. SO the words are out there. I have not gotten any criticisms or negativity on my blog. But I don’t know if my book will make the headlines or anything. It will be the first book that I know of dealing with CES and what it is like living with this condition. The thing is people need to be aware of this condition because it can happen to anyone. It doesn’t discriminate. I am no medical professional but trust me you wouldn’t want this condition to happen to you. It sucks living with CES. You have medical professionals that don’t care after you have had surgery about the nerve pain or the nerve damage that leads to possibly another chronic pain condition known as CRPS (Complex Regional Pain Syndrome). You get this condition and you are pretty much in pain for the rest of your life. I have the milder form of the condition so I am not in a 10+ pain every day but there are days when I do nothing and it flares up. Lately I have been ok with pain so maybe that is why my mood has shifted. But while I was walking home tonight, I got within the corner of my block and my foot acted up. It was killing me by the time I got home. It feels ok now that I have it up and I am laying down in bed. Thank god for laptops.
Not only do medical professionals deny that you have damage, but they also forget when you remind them the next appointment. I go through this every month I see my primary care doctor. It is like I am seeing him for the first time for my ankle pain, every single month! I get so frustrated. And now he thinks he found the cure by having a cortisone injection. I don’t want an injection. I don’t believe in them and I believe they can cause more harm than good, especially to joints. Plus, it isn’t an exact science. There is only a 50/50 chance it will work. Why should I go through the pain of having needles stuck in me for a 50/50 chance? No thank you! I don’t like those odds. Just like I didn’t like them for my back problem. Sometimes it works for people, but with my luck, I will be the 50% that it won’t work. And I am NOT going to be the one to say yea I will have it done JUST to have it done. Again, No Thank you! My body, my rules. I am not going to have anyone dictate what should be done with it. Pain medication is working for me so why not stick with that? I know that eventually the pain meds will stop working for me or I will have a dependence on them but as long as my doctor prescribes them, my life is manageable. And isn’t that the important thing?
midnightdemons7 
Yes, life with CES sucks!!! It is so difficult to try to explain to anyone (including medicos), so I am so grateful you are doing your book. Remember how lost and alone we were when we stumbled across Momma Vickie and the others on CESSG. But I wonder how many people never found that…and are having to battle on alone. Not directly CES, but certainly the pain that is keeping me awake tonight is indirectly due to CES. My surgery is now set for 24 Dec. I convinced the surgeons to do all 4 procedures under the same operation, as I told them that I was only going to have one op this time around, so they need to get it all done. But then I get to lie awake…as the physical pain refuses sleep… Then the emotional pain kicks in…the bad part about being at Katja’s Lodge is that it brings that pain on much sharper, as her presence is missing. But the good part is that I am not having to stifle my tears for fear of waking my wife. Here I can let the tears flow…at night when the curtains are drawn. I am sure that without the CES, then I would not have all this damage to my arms that keeps me awake…and so I wouldn’t slip into this whole self pity nonsense.
I have good medicos, and they prescribe the right sorts of painkillers, which help…most of the time. The down side, is given the amount of morphine in my system, I hate to think what the pain in my shoulder is really like. In the middle of my mad, end of year dash around all the projects. 3 cities this week, 3 next week, then a couple more and home. 10 days or so with the family, before 4 weeks of enforced hospital rest (the elbow op means that they have to cut the muscle on my lower arm, so I am not allowed to use it for 4 weeks, by which time, we hope the muscle has re-attached well enough to take my weight.
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