write the pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Write the pain.

For those that are frequent blog readers, you know I write about my pain, physical and emotional, most, if not all, the time. It has been the cornerstone of my blog. I can articulate what few can and my readers like what I write because they can relate.

Writing about pain has been a staple of my blog. It seems I cannot write without some measure of pain. It can be the pain associated with depression. It can be the pain associated with the chronic pain condition that I have. It can be a pain that keeps me awake at night. The pain that tears at you and is unrelenting. Whatever type of pain that I have been feeling, it has caused frustration, anguish, despair, suicidal thoughts, and agony. It makes you dread waking up in the morning. It makes you want to sleep forever, to have this escape of no consciousness. It wears you out. And exhausts you. It causes you to be unmotivated. To want to stay in bed and not face the day. But for me, it also has been the stimulus behind so many writings. I write about my darkness that is a short story. I write about the chronic pain and suicide ideation that happens frequently.

Pain has been sadly, the inspiration to write this blog because it causes such dark thoughts, and by dark thoughts I don’t mean just depressive thoughts. I’m talking about suicide ideation. Thoughts that make you think you would be better off dead than to continue living. Dark thoughts of suicide, the ones where you cannot express in normal conversation. Most of my dark thoughts are expressed in this blog because the therapist hours do not occur between 11 PM and 3 AM. It’s hard to find any here to listen between those hours. So I read about the pain. I write and I write till I am succumbed by pain meds or psych meds or exhaustion. I write the pain. Because if I did not have this outlet, the dark thoughts would take over. And I would cease to exist.

Pain is exhausting, be it physical or emotional. And to have both occur at the same time is just torture. When the meds don’t work, when the pain is overwhelming, when all you feel is anguish and misery, that is what causes you to feel like life is not worth living. Writing helps to express what I cannot it sort of makes life more bearable as the father of suicidology has said many times, decreased the psychache (pain), decreased the suicide. I have found writing the pain decreases in my dark thoughts. This doesn’t mean I have found a life worth living. It just means life is more bearable for me.

11 thoughts on “write the pain”

  1. I’m new here but I can relate so much. Pain has been part of my life for such a long time now (I’m only 35) I have a chronic pain also and had a car accident in November now am housebound and can’t walk far due to pain in my back. Being stuck inside for nearly 6 months in pain is exhausting, depressing and lonely. Please keep writing about your pain, even on the worst days, especially on the worst days. Please message if you ever want to chat. Xxx

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  3. I would never recommend treating depression with narcotics. Have you tried cymbalta? that is supposed to help with the pain of depression. I understand your pain and wish I could ease it. My best advice would be to tell your psychiatrist you are hurting really bad and are thinking about ending it because it hurts so. Sometimes all we need is to have the hurt validated to feel better. But if we don’t talk about it, there is no way anyone is going to know.

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  4. My pain is mostly due to the depression and is internal but the one thing that helped me with that pain more than any antidepressant I’ve ever been on was lortab. I had it after I had knee surgery, but how can I tell a doctor to keep giving me lortab for my depression? And wouldn’t I need more and more of it?

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  6. “Pain is exhausting, be it physical or emotional. And to have both occur at the same time is just torture. When the meds don’t work, when the pain is overwhelming, when all you feel is anguish and misery, that is what causes you to feel like life is not worth living. ” I thought this was a great expression of the overwhelming pain we can feel at times. The normal person would say ya just fight through it, but as you mentioned when it’s day in and day out it really makes me wonder if life is worth living. My psychiatrist asked me this morning If I’ve been having any suicidal thoughts and I said I think I’ve had them EVERY day for the last 3 months. I’m still trying to get better but I have a huge fear that I may not be able to take much more.

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  11. Thanks for sharing this. I’ve found it truly is helpful to write the pain. This way it helps you and hopefully others.

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any thoughts?