No Rest for the weary
I woke up at 0400 yesterday (30-May) in severe pain. I took some meds and then tried to go back to sleep. I slept for a couple of hours and then my alarm went off. I had an appointment with my pdoc. The appointment went well, we decided to stay the course with the increase in the mood stabilizer and see if the Cymbalta is truly making me sick by not taking it tonight. It really doesn’t matter as I doubt I will continue taking it. My mood has improved over the last two weeks, well at least compared to last week where I was in bed every day. I couldn’t do a damn thing without sleeping all day.
I wanted to take a nap very badly as my sister had tickets to the Red Sox game and I wanted to go. But I never got a nap so was really cranky. The tickets were part of my youngest niece’s school group and I was around kids. BAD, very bad for me because I swear a lot during the game. I had to twitter my curses during the game rather than say them outloud but toward the end of the game, most of the kids went home so I could curse. And it was a hell of a game. Two brawls. Three ejections. And the Rays were “scot free”. I don’t know what the Sox did to piss off every umpire in the MLB but it’s getting obvious there is a conspiracy out there with their calls going against Boston. And the sad part is that for the next two days, we have the same umpiring crew so it will be the same bias.
I did a lot of stair climbing and my foot is now paying the price. My foot pain did not abate during the day. I have been dealing with it like I said before, since 0400. I have been taking my pain medication which brings the pain down a notch but during the end of the game, I wasn’t able to take an additional med for the ride home. And it was a ride. The trolley ride, in which I was standing, killed me as I was putting too much pressure on it to stand upright. My foot is thanking me so much by swelling and not being able to move my toes. I am beyond miserable and I can’t sleep. I have been up for almost 24 hours. I love my niece but she was such a whiny brat tonight. I know part of it was because it was past her bed time but I had no nerves left to deal with it because of my sleep deprivation and pain level. I didn’t let on but I really wanted to say something to her but I didn’t. I had a good time at the game, despite the kids and aggravation. I tried my best to zone out as much as I could. My sister was the cheering squad but she was doing that to keep from being bored. Baseball is not her thing. But she was a trooper staying until the end of the 9th inning, despite a tied score. I had to leave by this time because the pain had become intolerable. I don’t know how many stairs we went down to get to home but it was a lot and my ankle did not appreciate it.
So now I am home, I have my foot elevated. I am medicated. Yet I am not sleepy despite being overtired. I don’t have anything that I have to do today. I had wanted to get my haircut, go to the post office, and pick up my prescriptions but that is way too many spoons (energy) at this point. I don’t think I am going to do much other than veg out. If I am lucky, I will sleep past 0600. I am tempted to take an Ativan to sleep but having decided to take a stronger pain medication tonight, I don’t want to risk further side effects.
Despite being in severe pain, I am not suicidal like I thought I would be. This is the fourth or fifth day in a row that I have been dealing with my foot pain, the same kind of pain every single day. I just haven’t been able to get a break from it. I am hoping that taking the stronger pain medicine breaks the cycle and I get some relief but there is no guarantee that will happen. Right now, all I want is some pain free sleep. But it doesn’t look like I will be getting it. I still am waiting for my meds to kick in, and it has been over an hour since I took them.
It is strange not being suicidal when I am in so much pain. You would think that I would be, that I would want that escape. I guess part of it is that I am not feeling hopeless about it. And I am not severely depressed like I was. Pain changes the way you cope with things. Right now I am feeling the pain but also trying to block it out of mind. I guess when I can no longer do that, maybe then I become suicidal? I guess we will find out soon enough.
midnightdemons7 