Still hurting big time

Still hurting big time

I tried to take it easy today, I really did. I only went out to pick up my niece from school and I stayed in. I iced my ankle and leg while I read with my foot up on a chair. My niece was good, entertained herself with TV or the computer. I made her read for a little bit after watching a TV show. Only time I got mad was when she wasn’t careful taking out something from the fridge and dropped dip on the floor, then walked away from it like she did nothing wrong. She didn’t even bother to attempt to clean it up. That got me really mad but I didn’t yell at her. Just grabbed some paper towels and cleaned it. It hurt to do it because I am not supposed to be on my feet but I couldn’t let the house stink of sour cream and onion dip!

I went up to my apartment after my niece decided she wanted my mother to show her how to operate a sewing machine. It was a little one. Well, that was it for me climbing stairs. My leg gave out after I made myself something to eat for dinner. I shuffled to the kitchen to make myself a glass of ice tea and then retired to my room, where I have been the last couple of hours. I still am hurting despite the rest. I just don’t know what I am going to do. I have a friend from Australia in town and I really want to meet up with him but I am not sure I can. He is only in my neck of the woods for a few days. I left him a message that tomorrow night might work but I don’t have a car like I used to. He came here a few years ago and I am hoping to meet him at the same place as it is more convenient for me. But he hasn’t answered my message.

I had therapy today and it was determined that I am dissociating from my pain. Makes sense because I can feel it but not feel it. Like this morning. I woke up at 0600 kicking my leg and moaning but I didn’t know why. After I woke up a little more I realized I was hurting so I took some pain meds. It was the oddest sensation. My left leg was really hurting but I couldn’t figure out why until I woke up. I just remember it being odd that it was hurting and me shaking the leg like as if a bug was on me or something. Usually, if I move my position, the pain goes away. But I was laying on my left side. I was on my right so I was confused why it was hurting me so much. Then it dawned on me that I have nerve damage and that it was acting up. I hate waking up in pain. But my brain couldn’t process it so only gave me a little hint that it was hurting. My therapist says that I should take my pain meds even though I am not feeling the pain. It just feels so far away from me, like my leg is another person’s or something yet I am feeling their suffering. What is driving me nuts, is that the pain is there but it’s not. I feel it for a few minutes and then it tones down. I still feel it but unless I concentrate, I really can’t feel the intensity. My brain is zoning out on it. I can’t handle the pain I guess and that is why I am dissociating from it. Either that or my leg/ankle/foot are all numb and I really can’t feel it. But I can wiggle my toes, as painful as it is. Any movement in my foot causes me leg pain. It is half way down the side of my leg just in the middle of my calf muscle and goes down into my toes. I know the perneous tendon runs that way and it is all inflamed. I took some Aleve today to try and calm it down but it hasn’t done shit. I still am all swollen and hurting like a SOB. I have to take my meds every few hours to keep from hurting or I am in trouble. But I was able to sleep most of the night. I am grateful for that. Just sucked that I have been up mostly since 0600. I only got about 2 hours of sleep before I had to get my niece. I made breakfast and thought today was going to be ok but I guess the pain meds wore off and now I can’t stand to save my life. My foot keep going asleep on me and when I move it to “wake” it, my leg pain starts up. I really am miserable. It’s awful not being able to walk. I wish I could cut my ankle off. Then if it hurt, there would be a reason. But right now, there is NO fucking reason why I should be in pain. I didn’t do anything but normal stuff like walking up and down stairs. I didn’t stand too long anywhere. I just rested. But I guess I did one too many flights of stairs and now I am paying for it.

My therapist wanted to continue with the SSF and she tried to assess my mental status. Frankly, I don’t know what my mental status is right now other than being really pissed off because I can’t walk. It really is killing me that I can’t do a damn thing without setting my leg pain off. And the swelling is hurting me more than anything and I can’t get it down. I tried elevating it and icing it. NOTHING. I really flared it up and I don’t know what I did. I could kill myself but why and with what? I am trying to just be comfortable being a suicide attempt survivor who is now an author. I don’t think it would be good if I killed myself two months after my book is out.