Blog views
Today I hit 25,000 views on this blog and I want to thank all that read it. Without your readership, it would not be successful as it is.
Last night, I was in a lot of pain. I couldn’t go down the stairs and I wanted a burger so I literally bumshuffled down the stairs to get to my delivery. It was a long wait and just as I was going to call, they called me and said my burger took a “field” trip. I don’t want to know what that means but the guy said he would make a fresh one and it would be on him. It was so good. I need to learn how to peel an avocado. I love them and especially like them in my burger.
I had a crappy sleep. I woke up at 0430 in pain. And it took almost three hours to go back to sleep. I slept for a few hours and then I had to get up. I had to run some errands before my father’s doctor appointment. I finally faxed my forbearance for my student loan so they can stop hounding me. Apparently being on disability is not a “hardship”. UGH. I just am glad they will leave me alone now, least for the next few months.
I really felt suicidal today for the first time in months. I am having severe body image issues. I keep bumping into things with the honkers on my chest and I hate the gap between my little stubble on my face. I really want to get it even so that there is no gap but no matter how much I shave in between, there is no hair growth. I hate it. I just want to be ten feet under. I haven’t thought of a plan to kill myself. I just want to die. No one understands and it hurts so bad to be in the body I am not in. I think if I were male, things would have been different. But no, I am transgender so my life has to be harder. I hate my life. I hate ME, period. I hate living life the way that I am because it is not me and if I am ME no one will accept it. No one will love me, not like many people love me now but still. I have no worth, no purpose. I hate the things on my chest. I wish I could cut them off for good. But I can’t afford it. If I had any brains I would save up for the operation but that is hard to do with disability. Plus, I am not sure I can find a good surgeon in the area that won’t leave me with an infection of some sort. Hospitals are breeding grounds for bugs these days. I am tired of fighting with my mind over this matter. It is time to put the matter to rest and the only way I know to do that is to plan my death. It is what I do best.
midnightdemons7 