Normal vs. abnormal
I realized today that since having a nerve injury, I don’t know what is normal anymore. I don’t know what it is like to not live in pain every day. I don’t remember what it was like working a full time job while suffering from chronic pain. I also don’t know what it is like anymore to go to the bathroom and not find surprises. This is what my life has become since getting Cauda Equina Syndrome and being diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS).
I can also say that I don’t know what it is like being normal without having voices in my head that talk to me all the time. My therapist and I were talking about this during our last session. I have to hear a “voice” while I read. It narrates the words. It usually is male as I frequently buy books that are authored by males. But it is the same male voice that hear. Without this voice, I cannot read. The words just do not make sense. Apparently, my therapist has told me that this doesn’t happen with someone else. She doesn’t have a voice that narrates when she reads something. I find this curious and so does she. As she puts it, “someone” has to “read” to me. But I have always heard the voice. Maybe it is just my muse reading to me. I don’t know. But then, I have lived my entire life since the age of five with hearing voices and keeping it covert. I guess the only ones that know I hear voices are the people that read this blog and read my memoir. Few family members know. I think my mother thinks I was “cured” I first hospitalized at the age of 16.
I was thinking about this whole normal vs. abnormal thing because I don’t remember what it was like having a normal bowel movement. I have to take stuff to go where as before, I just went whenever. I might have been constipated but if I don’t take stuff for it now a days, I can be backed up for a week or longer. And then I am really uncomfortable. I also don’t remember what it was like to actually feel the stool leave my body. I don’t have that sensation anymore. It has slowly come back but if I have loose stool, I really don’t feel it. Just like I don’t feel when I leak urine. My boxers will be wet but I don’t feel it. It’s not until I actually urinate that I notice I leaked.
I also don’t remember what it was like showering and feeling invigorated by it. Lately, it just has been an energy draining experience. I might have energy to take a shower, but then by the time I am done, I find that all my energy is gone. I was talking about this with a friend of mine the other day when we met up for coffee. She said that she would say this to her daughters, and they wouldn’t understand how it could be so draining. I thought I was the only one to feel this way but apparently, those of us with chronic pain also feel like this. I haven’t showered since the day I met my friend (three days ago). I plan on taking one tonight, before bed, so that if it does drain me, at least I will be going to bed anyways.
Also, since having the nerve injury, I find that I cannot tolerate heat. I never could stand the heat before my surgery, but after it I found that if I wasn’t in cool surrounding, I get very irritable and cranky. I don’t know how my mother can stand the humidity of the house today as the temp is in the 90s. I barely made it home but thank god for an AC’d bus. Waiting for it in the heat was very unbearable but there was not much I could do about it. There was a kid, probably around 4, that was playing with his ball at the station where I was waiting for the bus. He was annoying me because the ball was going all around me. I know that if the temp was cooler, I probably wouldn’t have been so annoyed. But I wanted to get out of the house as I have not been outside since Thursday when I met with my friend. My ankle does not like me right now, but I don’t care. I have the rest of today and tomorrow to rest it. I have plans for Monday to have lunch with my Aunt. I hope she doesn’t cancel on me again. We have been rescheduling this meet up for months now. I know she wants to chat about my book and about me. I am kind of nervous about it because although she is family, we aren’t exactly close, least I don’t feel that way. Then again, even with my sisters I don’t feel “close”. Some days I feel more like an outsider than part of a family, and I live with them!
I have decided to look over the letter that I wrote to my therapist the other night. I am going to type it up and then “blog” it so she can read it and try to make sense out of it. I will send it to her, too. She like having an archive of my letters. She is a weirdo, that is for sure.
midnightdemons7 
I’m rambling! Right now I don’t want to be ‘responsible’ for me or anyone else. I’m tired of being told no one is responsible for MY health & happiness, but I’m responsible for THEIRS! IF I can’t physically DO something, it’s MY FAULT; if they don’t do something it’s either my fault or because they just don’t WANT TO. Let me suggest or ASK for aid & the answer I get is “what you want to do THAT for? That’s DUMB’ or ‘why do you want THAT for-that’s STUPID’.
1 of the dogs decided to stand on the open drawer of my bedside table, the top of which hasn’t seen daylight in years; 2 drawers overflowing. The long & short is, the table, lamp & drawers were set to right, but the CONTENTS are strewn over a 4’x9’ debris field. I’m supposed to pick up the 5,000 items, 1 at a time with my grabber. It IS my fault the table’s a MESS. It’s NOT my fault the dog has no MANNERS. I TRIED to teach him, everybody laughed at me, wouldn’t be consistent so the poor animal didn’t know what was expected & acceptable. I don’t know how he managed to get’ house broken’!
I don’t remember EVER being ‘NORMAL’, at least not in the sense ‘normal’ people talk about or consider ‘normal’! What I DO remember is ‘voices/thoughts’ telling me I wasn’t good enough & never WOULD be. Those have been with me as far back as I can remember. I ALSO remember thinking being ‘black & blue’ was ‘normal’ b/c my bro used me for a punching bag as well as other things. when I complained, I was told it ‘didn’t happen b/c ‘he loves you, he wouldn’t DO that’. If bro found out I told, I’d get beat on again. If something went amiss, I was the 1 Mom could ‘catch’ because I had RA I was the 1 who couldn’t run, jump on a bike & get away, so I got trashed by Mom whether it was my fault or not. When I could join in ‘play’ other kids thought was ‘fun’, I’d always wonder what’s so much fun about doing this’?
I don’t think there IS any such thing as ‘NORMAL’. ‘NORMAL’ is an ILLUSION/DELUSION foisted off as ‘’normal’ because ‘they’ can’t explain the ‘ups & downs’, differences in personalities, ways of thinking, behaving that ‘other people’ consider ‘normal’ or ‘reasonable’ or ‘socially acceptable’ because ‘they’ can’t figure out why ‘everybody’ doesn’t think, feel, believe, act the way ‘they’ do. For the most part, abortion, capital punishment are ‘socially acceptable’ but Dr assisted euthanasia, & SELF euthanasia (suicide) are ‘socially UNACCEPTABLE’! ‘they’ think ‘it’s’ morally reprehensible, irresponsible.
It’s OK if the deed is done TO others, but NOT to one’s self. Doing ‘it’ TO others is impersonal, one’s hands aren’t ‘dirty’ if the STATE does it (Don’t want to PAY to house a ‘criminal’ FOREVER’ or a murderer has NO right to live) or IF a less than perfect baby’s birth is prevented (don’t want to PAY for a lifetime of care for ANOTHER NON-PRODUCTIVE CITIZEN) or simply don’t want another child.
Dr. can’t assist in euthanasia because ‘it might be abused’. Which Is more ‘abusive’ to kill a healthy baby or force someone in intractable pain regardless of what causes the pain, to live?
There are as many definitions of ‘normal’ as there are people! Just as my opinions are/ seem right to/for me, & not right for any 1 else, My ‘normal’ is normal only for ME. A problem arises when my ‘normal’ doesn’t ‘feel’ normal to ME any longer OR I buy into what SOMEBODY ELSE thinks SHOULD be ‘normal’ for ME! What if it IS normal for me to be suicidal, believe I’m unworthy of living? WHO left SOMEBODY ELSE in charge of ME & decided what I thought, felt or did was WRONG? WHO decreed I or any one else should/shouldn’t FEEL this or that way? What if the people who DON’T have suicidal thoughts are the ABnormal ones! What if those who go skipping happily along are the MISguided ones!
I would never encourage or discourage 1 to act on suicidal ipulses/thoughts/ideas. Just WHO decided & WHEN that suicide or thought there of were WRONG/BAD? While the thoughts cause consternation, confusion, misery what if those thoughts really are normal for me & what is ABnormal is trying to CHANGE that? What if my normal really IS to be suicidal, worthless & trying to inculcate the ‘normal’ of someone else is the PROBLEM & not the solution? Is it POSSIBLE that my misery IS my ‘happiness’ & I’m miserable because I some how/some where got the idea that I’m WRONG for ME?
I KNOW there are folks who know a LOT more about psych than I do has some ‘answers’, I don’t know what they are OR if the answers are right for me.
Hang in there, DEAR ONE, do the best you can with what you have. Know those of us who care, CARE!
Sent from Windows Mail
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Mike, DEAR ONE, I understand ‘never normal’! RA a 6, a bro who pounded on me until I was 16; a Mother who BEAT ME b/c I was the 1 she could CATCH when something was amiss; don’t EVER remember NOT being suicidal! My voices ALWAYS told me ‘you’re NOT good enough & NEVER will BE & have CONTINUED to do so. In spite of whatever you THINK, I’m STILL here!
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