Therapy Tuesday

Therapy Tuesday

I had therapy today, like I do every Tuesday. It started off with talking about my father’s appointment woes. I thought I had an appointment with his PCP this Thursday but apparently the incompetent staff forgot to put it in their calendar/scheduling. So there is no appointment this week. I am so pissed. Their next time that I can do is fucking June 30th. I have to wait another month to see this asshole. I hate this office so much. If I was still at my job, I would have found him someone at MGH so fast or at least put him on a waiting list for one. This is just ridiculous. So we discussed this in therapy for the first fifteen minutes. I was aggravated and needed to vent.

We then talked about my pain and other issues. I wanted to bring up some abuse issues but it was getting close to end of session and I don’t know where I will be tomorrow in the beginning of our session as I will be traveling home, I hope, if the bus gods agree with me. I have to finagle the bagel a little bit tomorrow. I want to get my haircut tomorrow before my psychiatrist’s appointment. My therapist inquired about what is on the agenda for tomorrow with her. I have no idea. I need a few refills and I need to pick up my prescriptions at my primary care office. I have such a busy morning tomorrow. I just hope that I fucking sleep well and not wake up at fricken 0400 like I did today. I won’t go back to sleep if I do because I will just be groggy and won’t remember all that I have to do. I should have just canceled my therapy appointment tomorrow. That would so make my life easier.

Then we talked about what I am working on with my writing. UGH, I hate this question more than being asked what my psychache is. It is because I usually don’t have anything that I am working on. This time I sort of am. I am writing a review on a research article. I am trying to make it interesting but now I am getting to the guts of the paper, like stats and stuff, that is important in a review. After I typed it all up, my brain spazzed and I lost interest. Then my perfectionism mixed in and I thought the paper was junk (what I was writing, not the article). I’m going to have to do this review in spurts when my brain isn’t so jumbled.

The last part of our conversation was about my friend that attempted suicide twice since I last talked with her. I feel really bad that she didn’t try to get in touch with me before she did it. I feel so helpless. But she did what she did and there is nothing I can do about it now but give her support as best I can.

My country radio station has an idiot DJ between 2-7. I really dislike him. He talks too much yet tries to be cool but fails miserably at it. I miss Steve Kelly and Keith Stephens. They were the evening crew and they were awesome at what they did. I was hoping I could get used to this jerk but I just can’t. I love the music so I just try and block him out while he talks.

I am feeling really depressed, which wasn’t discussed today. Sometimes I have a hard time telling my therapist this. It’s like I just don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to worry her more than what she is worrying. She did lose all my texts that I sent her. To make up for it, I have been texting her stupid shit, just quick updates on how I am doing and such.

It’s really hot in my room and I can’t stand it. And this is going to continue the rest of the week. I so want my AC in my room in the window but my foot is killing me. Just trying to move my toes is painful and it’s setting off panic attacks for me. It is the one thing that triggers PTSD for me. I feel like paging my psychiatrist but I am seeing her tomorrow. Most she will tell me is to take an Ativan. Heat is not helping me because it is annoying me, even though I have the ceiling fan on full blast. It is just moving the hot air in my room. I think I am going to cry. I am just so frustrated and I can’t go down the stairs to get anything. Hope I don’t have to go to the bathroom. I don’t think I can make the stairs. I just took a pain pill, though I don’t remember taking it. I could take another one in an hour or so. If I feel sleepy, so be it. Yesterday I had to take two pain pills and fell asleep around 1730. I woke up around 2130 to take my meds and then I stayed up till at least 0030. I remember writing in my journal around midnight and then feeling sleepy after a page or two of writing. Despite going to sleep so late, I still woke up at 0400. I hate waking up this early. I had coffee when I got up. I needed it. I should have waited until my mother left the house so I didn’t have to talk to anyone but I didn’t. Hate people trying to talk to me before I had my coffee. I don’t care what you have to say until I had at least a half cup of coffee in me. You would think my mother would know this by now but she is oblivious. To her, I am just grumpy and woke up on the wrong side of the bed. GGRRRR. So annoying!!