Break in Sleep

Break in Sleep

I can never sleep a full 6 hours anymore, even with drugs that are supposed to make you sleepy. I just woke up a little while ago. I had to go to the bathroom and I figure I write a little bit. I am still under the effects of the Neurontin and will be going to bed shortly. I have decided to skip my meds tonight. I just don’t give a fuck. I am still pissed off that this doctor didn’t write a goodbye letter or let me know she was leaving. Least my PCP had a curtesy of writing a letter before he departed.

I am so nervous of seeing another doctor. I am just afraid that I will say the word suicide and they will freak out. Or ignore me like the doctors did when I first saw them. They never asked me if I was currently suicidal or anything. I might as well have been saying to them turkeys or something. But with the new doc, I don’t know if I can say the “s” word and still walk out of the office unescorted. I was never depressed with getting my premenstrual stuff. I was just extremely suicidal. I was in the worst pain of my life and I wanted to die very badly. Then the “switch” would go off and I wouldn’t be as suicidal. It was like a relief that the pain went away and I wasn’t thinking of ending my life. It had nothing to do with being TG. I wasn’t even out when I saw the doctor, or I was just coming to terms with being TG.

I just hope that I can be seen within the next three weeks because that is all I have left of my pill pack, actually it’s more like two weeks of pills that I have. I am trying hard not to take ALL of the pills for this week as I just have the fuck its really bad, which is why I am not taking more meds tonight because I am afraid adding oxcarb to the Neurontin is going to cause an interaction and I am going to be more foggy than anything.

I am starting to bleed heavier so I had to switch to female underwear and female products. I feel so degraded.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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