Wiped Out

Wiped Out

I went to see my father today. I had to go to Stop and Shop to get one of his meds and while I was there decided to get some powerade. I got seven bottles and didn’t take into account their weight. I drank one while I was at my father’s because I was thirsty and I figured it would lessen the load. Wrong. I had to walk all over the building because he wanted me to check his mail and empty the trash. When I left and got to the station, I realized I had his keys in my pocket so had to go back to return it. My ankle wanted to kill me. I found the ace bandage and was wearing it. I have a nice indentation of the swelling marks from all the walking that I did. I am so glad I didn’t wear my OSU hoodie. I would have died as it got really warm when I left my father’s. I was sweating by the time I finally hit the final stretch home. I am tired and I am glad my mother didn’t go out shopping today because I wouldn’t answer the phone.

I am really tired. I didn’t sleep well and been going since 0400. I did manage to call my doctor’s office and got an appointment for tomorrow morning. Like crack of dawn morning. I have to leave my house at 0700 to be there on time. I am going to be sore as anything tomorrow. I have to be up by at least 0600. I am going to try and take a shower tonight. Depends on how cooperative my ankle is later. I last took a shower yesterday morning, like at 0200 because I thought it would relax me to go back to sleep. Yea right. I am sure I will sleep tonight, though. I won’t take any Neurontin but I will take a couple of Ativan. I hope that will ease the soreness. I hope I don’t have to go through the entire history of why I need hormone pills to stop my menses.

I gave in and bought Eric Church’s new album and I am glad I did. I love this album! I haven’t stopped listening to it. There isn’t a song that I don’t like. I have two songs that I constantly have on repeat. One is obviously, Mr. Misunderstood. They other is “Mixed Drinks about Feelings”. I printed out the lyrics for my therapist. There is a chance I might see her next week, depends if I get the Zipcar card. I got approved for Zipcar today. I am so excited. I got wheels when I want them, which is good because my father needs to see his doctor. I had to cancel his last appointment due to lack of transportation.

My mood is just tired. I am still depressed and kind of suicidal but not so much. I just feel blah, not caring about anything. The voices are still kicking around but are not too “loud”. I think that is because I am so tired. If I was anxious or agitated, I think the story would be different.

This month I decided to keep track of how many times I use the bus and train to see if buying a monthly pass was worth it. It is, as my preliminary data shows. I haven’t passed the dollar mark, but I am close to it, and the month isn’t over yet.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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