Mixed Drinks

Mixed Drinks

As I was writing my last blog, a blogger friend that I have known for the past three years was having a hard time and I think she cut. I tried reaching out to her but got no response. I have been thinking about drinking all night. If I didn’t have to get up early tomorrow, I might seriously be considering it right now. I just feel so bad. I know what it’s like to have intense emotions you can’t control. Or to be in so much pain you want to cut to release it. It has been many years since I last cut, but sometimes I still get the urge. It’s just like drinking, just a different drug.

Thing that bothers me is that not only did my friend not reach out, I also gave her my number during our last Facebook message. Told her she could call anytime. I tried messaging her but I think she either blocked me or deactivated her FB account. I feel like I lost a friend to mental illness and there is nothing that I can do about it. It is not a good feeling to sit with.

I am not usually a drinker. I will drink occasionally. Tonight I had some wine after dinner. Not much, just a few sips to taste the new wine that my brother in law’s nephew brought over. It was good wine. But it turned on the drinker in me. I usually binge drink, especially when I am feel low. I usually resist the urge but tonight the urge is strong, even though I am still feeling full from all the good food that I ate tonight. I think if I drink, I might puke and I don’t want to be doing that. I already have been sneezing my head off for whatever reason. With every sneeze, my right side seizes with pain. I think I might have a hernia. Whatever the pain was, it seems to have abated for now.

I need to get some sleep but both my whiskey and gin bottles are staring at me. If I have the gin, I know it will burn going down. The whiskey has honey in it so that scares me because I can drink more than I should with no problem as it’s sweet. It’s not harsh like whiskey usually is. That is why I have just a quarter of a bottle left. It’d be no problem finishing it off. I won’t mix the gin with the whiskey, that is just gross. I am not sure even how it would taste. But I need to stay sober at least till tomorrow night. Then all bets are off.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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