Feeling Low Again

Feeling low again

I knew the good feelings that I had this morning were not going to last. I am crashing and it’s not fun. I don’t think it was hypomanic stuff because that usually last more than a few hours. I really think this is the crash that I never had when I was hypomanic. I don’t feel suicidal, but I would welcome death. I just want a cessation of feelings.

I am really full from all that I ate. I was so full from real food that I didn’t have dessert. There was no room for it. My mother made five pies and no one touched two of them. So the chocolate cream pie and custard are all mine. Those are the two that I love. I didn’t have the pumpkin pie my sister made. I really wanted to try it but I was afraid my stomach would bust if I did.

Now I am in my room and I am feeling like scum of the earth. It wouldn’t be a holiday without my father ragging on me for something. Apparently, I was supposed to bring the wine directly to my sister’s house, that day. He didn’t tell me this. I just assumed today would be fine. Plus, I had no idea if she would be home or not. I got very annoyed. I still am annoyed because I don’t get what the big fucking deal was. It wasn’t like the wine was going to go bad. It wasn’t opened, it wasn’t refrigerated when he gave it to me, and there was no indication to me that my sister was expecting the wine. He just likes making a big deal over nothing. Pisses me off. So that started the day. Now I want something stronger than wine to drink. Think I will have some Honey Whiskey before bed. Screw the drug interactions. I really don’t care. A shot or two won’t hurt.

I still am in awe that my therapist suggested that I do something with my blog that I wrote the other day. I still think it’s a work in progress though it will be going in my book. I don’t think I can publish it anywhere else. Even if I could publish it elsewhere, the NYT experience was something else. I don’t think I can do it again. I give credit to Kay Redfield Jamison. She can write and be successful. I am sure she has dealt with the negative stuff, too. But the difference is, I don’t remember what the hell I wrote the other night. I know it was a “successful” blog because there were a lot of hits on my stats and a blogger friend reposted it on her blog, so that generated more hits (thank you for that). All I do remember writing is the part where I am questioning whether my therapist is going to respond to a text I wrote her. That is the only thing that I remember from it. My blogger friend wrote that it was a description of depression. Someone else wrote that it was something that they couldn’t put into words. I suppose I should read it over one of these days. I think I will combine it with the blog I wrote on what it is like being suicidal. Those two will give me enough wordage for a chapter.

I wonder how many people with depression often feel dead inside. Another blogger friend was writing this tonight and it got me thinking. I often feel this way, but it’s more an emptiness than a dead feeling. But the words can be interchangeable, emptiness and dead. You just feel like nothing and that you rather be dead than alive. Or you feel more dead than alive, whatever that is. I have no idea what is meant by “being alive”. I don’t think I ever felt that way. Maybe when I was hypo, but that was feeling really good. That I remember like it was yesterday, even though it was months ago. I don’t know if it was the same as feeling “alive” but I know that it was better than feeling what I am feeling now, like shit.

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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

3 thoughts on “Feeling Low Again”

  1. Thanks! I just don’t want to deal with the police or the guy or anything. I am sending him chill vibes so that he will take his meds and go to sleep, and at some point realize that he might have missed out on an opportunity to do a kindness. But he doesn’t seem the type to care, so I guess I’ll go to bed and try not to worry about it.

  2. I dunno, I think the whole holiday dinner thing can be kind of a jolt and then it’s over and the shit feels even more like shit than it did before…just feeling kind of numb myself, and then I was just threatened by the guy who lives next to my son, because I’m sleeping in my camper (which is what it’s for), but he was menacing me saying that he thinks I’m “Just camping,” and I’m thinking, well, that’s a fine brotherly love! So rather than him calling the police, I gave him all my son’s details and asked if he’d like to speak to my son himself. At that point the asshole backed down, which was a good thing. Now I’m scared to go to sleep, thinking there’s going to come a knock at the door at 2am, I’m going to be zonked on my meds, my dog will go crazy and I will pass out and wake up in shackles, in incredible pain and terror. See how my mind works? I could go on and on, but I won’t. Hope you feel better in the morning…the moon was full but now it’s on the wane, so the miseries can go away too…I hope….

any thoughts?

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