It’s cold and I’m hurting

It’s Cold and I’m hurting

Bloody temp was suppose to go up to at least 40 degrees but never made it passed 33 degrees all day. And the wind has been horrible. At the train station while waiting for the bus, it was like a wind tunnel. You could barely open the doors the wind was so strong. I opted to take a different bus home because they had an entire class of 2nd or 3rd graders waiting for my bus that I usually take. HELL NO. They were so damn noisy. I still made it home in time but I got sick when I came home. I think I might be having withdrawals from my pain meds because I am out of them. The script is ready now, I just have to pick it up but the world is fricken spinning when I stand up. I nearly fell when I came up to my room. How I managed not to fall over while undressing and changing into my PJs is beyond me. Now I have to go back out again and I really don’t want to. I had to take a strong pain pill because if I am in withdrawal, I figure something is better than nothing. I never went a full 24 hour period without taking at least one pill. And running out isn’t my fault. I should have had my script Friday but because of the change in my pharmacy’s damn policy, I am made to suffer. The pharmacist is going to hear about this. I will need to know if my doc needs to write a diagnosis on future scripts or not. Such a pain in the ass.

My cousins from Texas visited my aunt today so I got to see them. It was nice talking to them. I haven’t seen them since last year. I used to visit them when they lived in DC but they moved to Texas earlier this year. My cousin works for Exxon/Mobil and moved back to headquarters I guess. They used to live there for a long time before going to DC. They now have two cats which are adorable. Last time he sent me pics, they were kittens.

I got some upsetting news from my psychiatrist today. She will be having her hip replaced because her hip never healed right after the fall she took last year. I feel so bad for her. She will be out of the office from Dec 11 till the first week in Jan. She said she will keep in touch via email. I hope so. I care for her so much. I hope she recovers well. She gave me my scripts that I will need in her absence. The hospital will be going to a new electronic system and she won’t be able to print out scripts from home for my Ativan. That will totally stink. But I can’t fill it yet as it will be too early. I just filled it two weeks ago but she rather me have the script now than with the new system. She is too funny when she was describing all the clicking involved. I am sure she will get the hang of it like she did the old system when it was new. Still, I won’t see her before the holidays and that is sad. I guess when you need a new hip, you need a new hip.

I haven’t told my therapist yet. I figure I will tell her tomorrow when I walk with her. We don’t have that much to talk about tomorrow, other than how the holidays went. I barely remember it. I know one thing, I will never buy food before a holiday again. I don’t know what I was thinking. I was telling my psychiatrist that I had a hard time deciding what to eat because I have so much stuff. I feel like giving it away. I am just one person. Other than my powerade, steak, and butternut squash, there is nothing more that I really want. I ate a breakfast sandwich at Starbucks today and that was all I ate. I am still full from that one sandwich. I should have something to eat as I didn’t have lunch. I just don’t know what to have. Maybe that is why I am dizzy too. I haven’t had anything to drink either. I just had my mocha this morning. I have been trying to drink Powerade but it’s slow going because I have no thirst. I am a mess. I blame the depression. If only I could lose some weight instead of gaining it, but I just am not active enough. Stupid ankle.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

One thought on “It’s cold and I’m hurting”

any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s