Feeling depressed, what is new
I woke up from my nap in time to take my night meds. I didn’t prepare them in my pill box like I had planned so just took the “important” stuff and my pain meds. I am now out of my pain meds thanks to Walgreens and their new policy of needing a diagnosis code with long term opioid use. I thought I would make it till Monday but with all the rain we have had the past two days, I am just in a lot of pain. I only have my strong pain meds and I hate to take them because they always back me up. I already didn’t go today. I kept getting bowel cramps but nothing happened. I can’t take senna tonight because I need to go out tomorrow. Usually if I go out, I don’t take senna because I never know when I am going to go and I hate going to the bathroom in public places. I like my own toilet for number twos.
I need to call my doctor’s office tomorrow and tell them to call the pharmacy so I can have my meds. I hate having to call, but I also need my pills so I have no choice. Whole thing is making me depressed, not like I wasn’t to begin with.
I was reading on Twitter that someone did research on chronic pain and found that they found suicide “preferable” than living with chronic pain. The person was upset to find this out because she suffers from chronic pain. I can easily see why suicide would be preferable. I would be interested to read this article. I think I will contact her and see if she can send it to me. I find that reading these type of studies helps acknowledge my pain, both mentally and physically. I wrote in my “typical day” section of my disability paperwork that I often think about suicide and plan my death, then go back to sleep, which is true. I spend most of my time thinking about how to kill myself. I can’t help it sometimes because I just want to escape from myself and my pain. I find that planning my death helps me cope. Doesn’t mean that I will go through with it, but it’s nice to know I have an out plan.
I don’t know why I am so depressed tonight. I have been sleeping most of the day, which is a rarity. I still feel like I could sleep some more. I had a weird dream before waking up. It was more of a disgusting dream. But the important thing is that I woke up before I peed the bed as in the dream I was ready to pee. I hate when I am always in the bathroom in the dreams when I have to pee. It feels so real until I wake up and my bladder is hurting because it’s so full. I would have been very upset if I peed the bed. It would be another indication that I am not 100% normal. It’s bad enough that I leak, and sometimes that upsets me but lately I have gotten used to it. I am just so tired of fighting this stuff every day. I have been dehydrated for the last few weeks as my pee as has been orange. It seems like no matter what I drink or how much, I can’t get it to be clear. I must have seriously not been drinking enough for a long time. But it’s hard to drink because I don’t want to leak. It’s just a bad cycle.
I would like a cup of tea but it’s late and it might keep me up. I really can’t have a long nighter because I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I don’t have any herbal teas except for chamomile. I really don’t want chamomile. But it might help me sleep better. I do have honey. I bought it with my grocery order. I don’t know where it is though. It’s still in with all my grocery that I couldn’t find a place for as my kitchen cabinets are full. It will be freezing on the porch where I have my stuff. Course I don’t really need honey. I just want something warm to drink. Maybe that will shake off some of this feeling down by having something relaxing to drink. I should have bought orange tea by Bigelow but I wasn’t thinking. I will get it my next order.