Feeling better, physically at least

Feeling better, physically at least

I woke up with a start because I thought I was going to lose control of my bladder. It’s the hurry up and run situation. It was still dusk out so I didn’t have to turn on the lights, except my bedroom light so I could see where I was going. I am feeling better than I was yesterday but I am still feel nauseous. Post nasal drip is not helping me out any. I still don’t have any appetite. But I plan on making an egg burrito in a couple of hours. I should have juice with it but am afraid the acid might make me sick as I am not feeling 100%.

I didn’t sleep very well. I woke up at 0244 and then again a few hours later. But I don’t feel as sick as I did so that is good. I hope my appetite comes back because I am seeing my friend tonight for dinner. It will suck if he eats and I dabble. I am looking forward to meeting my friend more than just having dinner with him. I enjoy his company and our talks. He is a good friend.

Since cyber Monday, I have been getting a shit load of junk email. Prices have been marked down so buy this and that. I just got one from Vitamin Shoppe. I wish I could unsubscribe from them but there is no stupid link to do so. I must get at least 5 emails from them a day. It is so annoying. I would block them but I order from them occasionally so need to have them in my contacts.

I’m still depressed. I just can’t get away from the cloud of depression. It follows me everywhere. I wish there was something I could take for it to make it go away. But I think I have suffered too long with it that there is no recovering from it. Sometimes I am at peace with it but when it’s accompanied by pain, all bets are off. I cannot tolerate psychache, least not like I used to. I used to have a high tolerance for pain. I think I still do, but I grow weary of being in pain all the time. It’s annoying. And there is no relief in sight. It’s not like I can take two aspirins and be okay. Maybe for my general physical pain I can do that, but not with psychache. It’s all in the mind and there is nothing soothing when you feel it. It consumes you to no end.

I have to take a shower sometime today before I go out. That is going to be the greatest task today. I feel crummy mentally so I don’t really want to shower. I think I am going on three days of no showering. It’s so hard when you feel like crap. I think I will try to take one around 0900 today. Then I can go to the pharmacy and pick up my prescription. If I time it right, I might be able to squeeze in a nap before my therapist’s appointment. I know I will be tired around 1000 or so. I usually am when I wake up around dusk or earlier. I’m going to need rest today if I am going to make it to my friend’s dinner date.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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