I had therapy today and my therapist was more anxious than I was in the upcoming events, specifically my neurosurg appointment and my birthday. Tomorrow I was planning on seeing her but I don’t know if I can stand the hour and a half drive with my leg hurting me so much. I might take the highway as it is quicker but it always gives me anxiety because I had a couple of breakdowns on it. I know it’s not my car and the car I will be driving will be in good condition, unlike my previous times, but I still have PTSD when driving on that road. And it will be raining tomorrow. I hate driving in the rain. But it will be my last chance to see her before the holidays and I really want to get away for a little bit.

If you read my previous blog, my neurosurg appointment went like I thought it would go. Nothing happened because he didn’t have new images to see what my back is doing. He ordered an MRI and his secretary will call me sometime tomorrow to set it up. He said that it can take six weeks for a herniation to repair itself but I was getting close to that mark and I don’t feel any better. He gave me a couple of options if I have a herniation or a reherniation at the same level. I am holding off on exploring those option until I get the MRI results.

My therapist was more anxious about this appointment and wanted me to take some Ativan. I didn’t take the Ativan as I wasn’t really nervous. If I see her tomorrow, maybe I will give her a couple. She was so high strung today and I don’t know why. She asked me how my Sunday went. It was the day I was planning on ending my life. I know I read a lot that day to keep my mind busy. We also talked about my current reading selection, “Explorations in Personality” by Henry Murray. He is the guy that Dr. Shneidman quotes from all the time whenever he talks about frustrated needs. I tried to find that chapter that deals with it but I didn’t. It’s probably in the bowels of the book. It’s an old book first printed in 1938. I have the 2nd edition that was printed in 1947. The book is in pretty good shape so it shouldn’t fall apart as I read it. She asked me why I chose this book and I said I wanted a psychology book as I was bored with history and fiction.

We also talked about my father a little bit. I hate talking about him but he always ends up being brought up. She knows I see him every week and dislikes this. But someone has to do his meds. I just do it and then leave most of the time. I wish she would get it through her thick skull that this is the way that it is and there is no getting around it. We talked about a day in January that I won’t be able to keep our time because my father has a doc appointment that day. The doc is always late so I know that even though the appointment is an hour and a half from my time, I still won’t be out of there to talk. She said to remind her in the upcoming weeks so we can reschedule.

She brought up whether or not I had been writing. I hate when she brings it up because the answer is usually a no or just a little. I am never going to get my second book done as I am just taking too much time not working on it. I tried working on one of the stories the other day and it just didn’t get to far. I wanted the word count up but I just couldn’t think of anything more to say. It’s already over 1300 words. I would like for it to get to 2000 but that is pushing it. It pains me when she asks about my writing and I say nothing because I know I should be writing more. Thing is, I don’t have any ideas to propel me to write. And being in pain hasn’t helped because taking pain medication always makes my mind dull. You would think that with all this time on my hands, I’d be a writing machine but I’m not. Unfortunately, I get most of my ideas late at night and I have to write them out then which means losing sleep or writing in a drug induced state as I have already taken my night meds. It doesn’t happen often enough and every writer says to just write. I got the stories in there, I just need to give them a voice. But it’s not as easy as it sounds. Then I feel like a loser because I didn’t write anything for that day or I didn’t work on my story. I will have to bring this up to her again because it just pains me when she brings it up.


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G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

One thought on “Therapy”

  1. sometimes things get in your way and writing isnt even possible. dont beat yourself up for life getting in your way. do bring it up with her though. if she knows you feel pained when she brings it up she may be mroe careful in the future. XX

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