23-Dec-2015 Blog

I really hate when I start writing something and get the annoying bladder urges that tell me “go now or you’ll regret it”. Now I lost my train of thought and can’t go back to my writing. It was about the chronic pain guidelines the CDC is proposing. I will post the blog soon as my thoughts return to it.

I saw my therapist today. She gave me coffee from Hawaii, three different roasts. I hope that it is suitable for my French press or I won’t be able to use it. I hope it’s good as I never had Kona coffee before. I heard it is from my friends that visited there.

I am very hungry as I didn’t have any lunch and it’s almost dinner time. I was going to hit the McDonald’s on the way home but I wasn’t going that way due to traffic concerns. I took the highway home and I made it back with a half hour to spare. It’s good that I didn’t stop anywhere or I would be late returning the Zipcar and they don’t like that.

I am wicked congested today for some reason. I woke up with severe Post Nasal Drip that was gagging me.  I also have been coughing the stuff up. Not a good start to my morning. After I reserved the car, I left for Starbucks. Time seemed to fly by because the next thing I knew it was time to pick up the car. I hit every red light between my town and my therapist’s office. I was so annoyed. I listened to country music on the way there. Nothing new interested me and I so wanted to listen to Eric Church and the rest of my music. I was so in the mood to listen to Taylor’s Love Story song. I am playing it now. The radio played her song Back to December which I also like but not as much as Love Story. I have to remember to bring the auxiliary cable with me the next time I reserve a Zipcar.

Therapy went well. My therapist was happy to see me. She gave me a nice Birthday card. I like having them around on my bad days. I keep them in a safe place so I know where they are. Not the safe place that you forget, it’s usually on my night stand. I have to get a box for them and other sentimental things. Then I will really have a “Hope Box”.

I told her how my appointment with my neurosurgeon went. I didn’t tell her about the fusion part. It’s too early to tell and we won’t know anything until the MRI. I told her that I have to keep myself hydrated. She asked how I was fearing with the news. I think she was more anxious than I was. I just shrugged it off. I am already a nervous wreck just think about it and fear that if I talk about it, it will just get worse. So I didn’t talk.

I realized today that I forgot to email my psychiatrist so I did that. She responded with questions, some of them having to do with my writing. UGH, I can’t escape these two and my writing abilities. I don’t know if they realize the unwanted pressure it puts on me. It further makes me feel guilty when I don’t write. I don’t know why I feel that way. I guess it’s because, like I said before, I have so much time on my hands and I am not using it wisely. I try to have time aside for my blog but that is all. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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