Rambling 567

My day started off rough. I kept on waking up every few hours during the night but somehow managed to stay in bed till 10. I woke up at 0500. All I remember is having a bowl of cereal and answering a friend’s email. I think I went back to sleep as I don’t remember what happened after that.

A couple of my blogger friends are having a difficult time right now. I wish there was more I could do to help them other than being there for them. It’s so hard because they are so far away from me.

I made biscuits and heated up some gravy. It was my lunch. I then made my delicious coffee that tastes like milk chocolate. I am so glad I was able to get another bag of this coffee. It’s called Brazil Sertaozhino. This is the second kind of Brazil coffee made from small lots that I like. I have three different kinds of coffee, not counting the bunch my therapist gave me from Hawaii. I still don’t know if it will be good for the French press I have. I have to ask my niece if fine coffee grounds will work with it. The coffee grounds that I use are course grounds, a different grinding process.

I went up and down the stairs a few times and that aggravated my leg. Then my sister called to babysit and I am hurting really bad. Seems going down the stairs hurt more than going up. I couldn’t use my cane as I was carrying my laptop and my coffee down the stairs.

I don’t know how but I got a bunch of shit (lint and other things) in my bed. I don’t understand how this happened as I was wearing slippers the whole time I was in my kitchen and in my room. I was so pissed off. I need to clear my bed off so I can change the sheets. I have been removing one item or two a day. I told myself that I wasn’t going to allow stuff to accumulate on my bed the last time I changed my sheets. HA, I am funny. I might as well as said I was going to win the lottery that day.

I miss my therapist and it’s only been a few days since I last talked to her. She is only gone for a week. I have been writing letters to her. I wasn’t going to because I write these very long letters and she never has time to read them. I try to keep them short and to the point but it never seems to work out. The writing helps to let her know what is going on while she is gone because what I have to say doesn’t fit in a text message.

One of my favorite country artist is coming out with a new album. She used to belong to the duo Sugarland. I miss that duo so much it hurts. And I feel really sad when I hear Lady Antebellum’s music. They broke up a few months ago. Their lead singers, Hillary Scott and Charles Kelley have decided to go solo. Their last recorded song was “I did with you”. It was recommended by YouTube and I just cried when I heard it. I think I was just emotional that day because I haven’t cried since hearing it again and again. It still makes me sad when I hear it because I know I am not going to hear anymore music from this group. Kelley has a few songs out but I refuse to listen to him because it just hurts. I am still not over the breakup.

I want to thank my readers. I just passed the 55,000 views on my blog. I wouldn’t have become successful in the three years since writing this thing without your support. I know most of you don’t always comment or leave feedback but that is okay. I am glad people read my blog every day. It means a lot to me. My top blog is still Knackered, a Short Story about CES. My second is Analysis of a Song: How to save a life. I don’t know what my third one is.

I emailed my psychiatrist late last night to tell her how things were going and also to let her know when my MRI was scheduled. It’s in two weeks but I think I will try and move it up. I can’t stand being in pain that affects my walking. It’s bad enough I can’t walk that far because of my stupid ankle but to have my upper leg also bother me, NO. I don’t think so. I will really gain a lot of weight as all I have been doing lately is eating with little outside walking. I have been trying to limit what I eat but that doesn’t always work out because of my cravings. I blame my psych meds for these cravings, which usually involve carbs. Tonight I plan on having steak but I am still full from eating biscuits so we’ll see. I know my mother won’t touch the steak because she doesn’t like it. More for me! It’s not a huge piece, just perfect for one person. I would love to have it on the grill but I don’t know how to operate it. My sister never showed me and I think the grill has been put away for the winter anyways. I just broil it. It comes out just as good that way, too.

I was going to go to Starbucks today to write my psychache paper but it doesn’t look like I am. I haven’t showered in days. And I refuse to go out unless I shower. So I just haven’t gone out. Plus I am babysitting so I really can’t go out. It’s also very cold out, which explains why my spine has been aching, especially my sacrum (lowest part of the backbone). It’s kind of funny, but if I push on a certain part right before my butt, I will pee. It’s like a pee button. I haven’t told any of my doctors this because I am afraid. I try to avoid touching that area as much as possible. I know my nerves are damaged in that area. Another indication that I am fubar.

I spent at least 15 minutes on the phone with my father’s doctor to get him a refill for one of his medications. I was told that he would only get a month’s supply unless my father sees the doc. What fucking bullshit. So I had to cancel one of my Amazon orders so I can have money for Zipcar to take him to this appointment. I still haven’t figured out what I am going to tell my father when I show up with a car to take him to his doc’s appointment. I hate his doc but I have been unable to find another PCP in Boston that will take him. I have to make phone calls and I hate making them, mostly because I hate being put on hold.

I don’t like that his PCP holds his medications hostage to an appointment with him. These meds are for his heart and liver so I don’t understand the reasoning behind it. These aren’t even scheduled or controlled medications. It just drives me crazy because I am the one that has to put the effort into transportation to and from his appointment as well as stay with him when the doc is often behind. It doesn’t do my PTSD any favors staying two to three hours with my father, let me tell you.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

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