Recovery…what does it mean?
I keep hearing people talk about recovery and I am at a loss. Can someone enlighten me on what the hell it is? And what exactly are you recovering from?
I hear from suicide attempt survivors all the time this word. Do people who think about suicide really recover after they attempt? Because I keep wanting to try again and again. I haven’t made an attempt in years but I think about suicide constantly. Or is recovery just something that happens after you learn different coping mechanisms?
The reason I do a lot of suicide research is because I want to find something to help me. If I never looked for it, I wouldn’t have found CAMS and the SSF so useful. I have also found other assessment tools but nothing else worked. Traditional therapy didn’t work for me. I had to find a therapist that treated me as an equal and collaborate with me on what works and what doesn’t. It’s still an ongoing process as my suicidality gets worse during certain times of the year than others.
I don’t think I will ever recover from my mental illness. I think it will wax and wane, just like my suicidality, but it will never get better. I might find symptom relief through medication but even with medication, my depressions get the better of me. They are too severe and too frequent to really get relief from them. Medication has been proven useless with treating them. I am just left to suffer through them until they pass.
Then I have the physical pain that I deal with. I don’t think I will ever recover from that. It just seems to get worse during the temps of New England. My former PCP thought that I can just do something to make me feel better and things would be better. Wishful thinking. As much as I don’t want to be on meds, I know it’s my new way of life. It’s the only way I can survive. Otherwise, I think I would entertain the thoughts of killing myself, and by entertain, I mean attempt.