Exhausting Tuesday

Exhausting Tuesday

I had my pain management appointment with the NP. She is a doll. She said she is willing to continue to see me but doesn’t know about the policy and such as they haven’t quite worked out what is going to happen since my doctor has left. So another month to wait. Maybe I don’t have to see the new doctor at all. It was weird getting the prescription from her and not seeing my old PCP’s name. I miss him already.

I was then supposed to go to my father’s appointment but never did because the stupid medical assistant called the guy after me instead of me. So I had to wait nearly an hour to be seen. The doc took him early (I was shocked as she usually runs late) so I never went up to see him. Score! I was so sore by the end of my visit that I was really kicking myself not grabbing my cane. I will be sure to grab it tomorrow when I go for another appointment.

Then I had my therapy appointment. That was fucking fun. I was in a public place so couldn’t really talk about anything serious. I got out kind of late from my appointment and missed the bus that would take me home. The next one would bring it close to therapy time so I figured I might as well stay at the hospital and have therapy. I was quite exhausted by this point. My thigh and ankle were filing for divorce and I had no pain meds to prevent this from happening. We basically just talked about my stressors and the voices. I gave her an update as to how my psychiatrist was doing. She (psychiatrist) now understands what I go through to get dressed and showered. My therapist wanted to know if I was going to the hospital next week. I told her it all depended on somethings. The thing is, I don’t feel that it’s necessary for me to go in. But I meet with my psychiatrist next week and we can discuss it some more. I also told her that I won’t be seeing her next week like I was planning. A friend had called and next Tuesday we will be going out for dinner. I can’t survive the drive to her office and back and then go out with my friends. My thigh would hate me and I would be really tired, so wouldn’t be fun to be around. She understood and I told her it would be the following week provided we didn’t get walloped with snow this weekend.

It was bitterly cold today. My thighs still haven’t defrosted. I should have went to the bathroom before leaving the hospital. I was wrong thinking I could hold it all the way home. I was soaked by the time I reached home. I didn’t know this. I can’t really feel when I am leaking and I must have leaked a lot to be as wet as I was. I feel so bad and humiliated. I was going to tell my sister but I couldn’t even broach the subject. She was telling me about my mother and how bad her breathing is. She was just diagnosed with emphysema. My mother is a former smoker, who basically chain smoked. She finally was able to quit when the price of cigarettes went up too high and she couldn’t afford them anymore. I am glad she stopped smoking but now we got to deal with the lung issues. It’s upsetting so I won’t go into it.

I finally had a movement after three days. Now I don’t feel so damn bloated. It hurt like a SOB though. Felt like I was delivering razor blades. I don’t know why it hurts so much and the stool was softer than it normally is. Fucking drives me crazy and suicidal. I don’t wish CES on anybody but my worst enemy, and even then, they have to be a pretty cruel person to get me to wish it on them.

I’m still waiting to hear back from the lady at the SSD office. I was expecting a phone call today but didn’t get it. I will call tomorrow after my therapy appointment. I’d call now but they are closed. Plus, I am too tired to talk to anyone. I don’t even want to have dinner tonight and my mother is making my favorite, stir fry chicken. I just don’t want to go down the stairs again. My thigh is really hurting. I took a pain pill a little while ago but it hasn’t kicked in yet. Sometimes I need two pills. I figure I start with one and then take another a little while later if it doesn’t work. I find I have better coverage this way. Then it’s time for bed and I can take two pills and not worry about waking up in pain, sometimes.

The NP examined my ankle today. It was pretty tender already and when she asked me to flex it, I couldn’t. I said that is what it is. She is like “you have no range of motion”. I said that is what happens when you have foot drop and pain.

My therapist and I discussed reading materials. I said I was getting bored with the “Explorations in Personality” book and Dostoevsky is just dragging on and on. I need some fun reading, like a clinical book to get my mind going. She was laughing as I said this. She said only I would get excited over a clinical book. I am a weirdo.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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