in an awful mood

In an awful mood

My therapist got back to me. She hasn’t received anything from SSA so I will need to call them tomorrow and let them know and to see if they are using the correct address. She has moved several times over the years. I don’t think the internet has caught up to her current address.

My ankle pain got worse with me moving and checking mail. I got a letter from my private health insurance. I was expecting it and sure enough, my premium went up by more than $20. I can afford it but with my meds also going up on a tier, things are going to be tight for awhile. I still need to order more allegra and my senna. I get good prices on Amazon than I do in store. I was going to boycott their services because they came out with awful suicide message t-shirts. I can’t believe that they would sell these shirts. But I need my meds more than I need the boycott.

With the pain rising, I have been thinking of killing myself for the past hour or so. I can’t help thinking that I would be better off dead. I feel like such a burden to my family as I can’t do anything to help them. I never did take the frozen food out to the basement. I talked with my mother and we will be putting them on the porch as it’s cold enough out. That will save my ankle some pain. I just hope that it doesn’t hurt my back.

I just feel so useless. I have my favorite music playing to try and distract me from my thoughts. Pearl Jam is coming to Fenway Park this year and I really want to see them but I am afraid that my ankle will not be able to stand it. And it’s not like you can sit down at a rock concert. I tried when I went to a Bon Jovi concert a few years ago. Impossible. It was a shitty concert but still. I would love to go if I can get tickets. I’ll worry about my leg then. I am listening to Pearl Jam song right now. It’s one of my favorites from their new album. I really like their new album even though it is not that new. It’s a couple of years old now. But I love it just the same as I love their first album.

I texted my therapist saying that I was suicidal from the pain. I already had one anxiety attack over it and my heart really hurt. I felt like my chest muscles were going to collapse it was hurting so much. It didn’t last long, just a few seconds but it freaked me out none the less. I hate when I get sharp chest pains. I know it’s not a heart attack but probably some ischemia. With all the latest research, I am due for a heart attack and I do hope that it kills me. I will be very upset if it doesn’t.
I had a good stretch of no suicidal thoughts for a while now. But severe pain will bring it back in an instant. I just want to die. I took another dose of my pain meds and the voices wanted me to take the bottle. I was so tempted. That is why I don’t keep that many pills at my bedside. It’s too easy to take more pills than I need, especially when I am in agony. I don’t know if more is better. I have never tried it. Most I will take is three pills and that seems to be the magic number. But I never have taken more than that at any one time. I have thought it and been commanded to but I never went through with the thoughts. I took an Ativan because of the anxiety this is causing me. I know I probably should have taken a trilafon too but I will take that with my night meds. I have been taking my night meds early lately. I just get so tired and then I take them and wake up. So tonight I am just taking the essentials, once I can stand up again. I am waiting for the pain to go down so I can take my night meds. I hope it goes down soon because I really want to go to bed. I am utterly exhausted.