in an awful mood

In an awful mood

My therapist got back to me. She hasn’t received anything from SSA so I will need to call them tomorrow and let them know and to see if they are using the correct address. She has moved several times over the years. I don’t think the internet has caught up to her current address.

My ankle pain got worse with me moving and checking mail. I got a letter from my private health insurance. I was expecting it and sure enough, my premium went up by more than $20. I can afford it but with my meds also going up on a tier, things are going to be tight for awhile. I still need to order more allegra and my senna. I get good prices on Amazon than I do in store. I was going to boycott their services because they came out with awful suicide message t-shirts. I can’t believe that they would sell these shirts. But I need my meds more than I need the boycott.

With the pain rising, I have been thinking of killing myself for the past hour or so. I can’t help thinking that I would be better off dead. I feel like such a burden to my family as I can’t do anything to help them. I never did take the frozen food out to the basement. I talked with my mother and we will be putting them on the porch as it’s cold enough out. That will save my ankle some pain. I just hope that it doesn’t hurt my back.

I just feel so useless. I have my favorite music playing to try and distract me from my thoughts. Pearl Jam is coming to Fenway Park this year and I really want to see them but I am afraid that my ankle will not be able to stand it. And it’s not like you can sit down at a rock concert. I tried when I went to a Bon Jovi concert a few years ago. Impossible. It was a shitty concert but still. I would love to go if I can get tickets. I’ll worry about my leg then. I am listening to Pearl Jam song right now. It’s one of my favorites from their new album. I really like their new album even though it is not that new. It’s a couple of years old now. But I love it just the same as I love their first album.

I texted my therapist saying that I was suicidal from the pain. I already had one anxiety attack over it and my heart really hurt. I felt like my chest muscles were going to collapse it was hurting so much. It didn’t last long, just a few seconds but it freaked me out none the less. I hate when I get sharp chest pains. I know it’s not a heart attack but probably some ischemia. With all the latest research, I am due for a heart attack and I do hope that it kills me. I will be very upset if it doesn’t.
I had a good stretch of no suicidal thoughts for a while now. But severe pain will bring it back in an instant. I just want to die. I took another dose of my pain meds and the voices wanted me to take the bottle. I was so tempted. That is why I don’t keep that many pills at my bedside. It’s too easy to take more pills than I need, especially when I am in agony. I don’t know if more is better. I have never tried it. Most I will take is three pills and that seems to be the magic number. But I never have taken more than that at any one time. I have thought it and been commanded to but I never went through with the thoughts. I took an Ativan because of the anxiety this is causing me. I know I probably should have taken a trilafon too but I will take that with my night meds. I have been taking my night meds early lately. I just get so tired and then I take them and wake up. So tonight I am just taking the essentials, once I can stand up again. I am waiting for the pain to go down so I can take my night meds. I hope it goes down soon because I really want to go to bed. I am utterly exhausted.

Published by

G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

2 thoughts on “in an awful mood”

  1. I really hope you call your doctor/emergency on-call. Your suicidal thoughts are worthy of the call and your life is worth saving. I’m sorry you’re in such a dark place. Please make the call, and if you have to, go to the emergency room and let them know what you are going through. I can tell you from experience that things can get a lot better from where you are now. Please take action and don’t die.

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