I was talking with my therapist today about being numb. Seems that since I went up on my mood stabilizer, my writing has been affected, and not in a good way. I feel numb and its hindering my writing abilities. I only write “good” writing when I feel strong emotion. I know it’s easy to blame the meds but this time I think it is affecting me more than my bipolar. I am going to experiment and see if lowering the dose helps. I know this might now be a good idea but I got to get cracking on my book. It’s already February and I haven’t written one page of stuff.
I hate it when I feel nothing, no sadness, no happiness, no joy. Nothing at all. It’s like I am on an even keel. I am not used to feeling this way. I am used to feeling suicidal and depressed all the time. I guess it is better that I am not feeling this way but it’s weird. There have been times I feel depressed, mostly at night. That is when a switch goes off and I feel some emotion. But most of the time, I am on an equilibrium.
I think reducing my meds will help. I can’t stand the numbing anymore. I know I risk becoming hypomanic by doing this or worse, a really bad suicidal depression. I don’t think it will happen quickly. It will happen over time like this numbness has occurred. Last night I was annoyed at the postman. He refused to deliver my package because there was light snow on my stairs. I was really pissed off and it took me a while to calm down. I then started a Twitter rant about being suicidal. No one responded, as usual. I took my Twitter posts off my Facebook feed. I was tired of having to post on Twitter and then get a response on Facebook. Now whenever I retweet something it gets posted to Facebook. If Twitter does indeed change their formatting to Facebook like posts, I might just be on blog mode or something. I can’t stand the Facebook timeline. It drives me crazy.
Today was a cold day and I need to rest my ankle so I didn’t go out. I made Kona coffee that gave me the jitters. I was having an anxiety attack by the time my therapist called me. Talking to her about it helped calm me down. I can only feel anxiety and annoyance or pissed off lately. Maybe the depression is so deep that I just can’t feel it. That is another possibility. But I hate spending most of my day just staring at my bureau listening to music, just zoning out. Music doesn’t even seem to reach me. It used to. I don’t sing the songs out loud anymore. I will just sing them in my head. The voices have been quiet so I haven’t even had conversations with them.
My therapist and I also talked about how my suicidality has taken the back seat, causing Hyde to feel sad. I didn’t bring up my plans in a few weeks. Even though I am not actively suicidal, I still want to die and I am going to put that plan to action. I just can’t stand living anymore. She commented on how I have been texting her that I am depressed and wanting to die. Most of that talk was because I was in really bad space with my physical pain. I just want to give up on going on because the pain is just so awful.
My psychiatrist got back to me today. She hasn’t been in the office because a family member is sick. I told her I needed a refill on one of my meds. Hopefully the family member will get better soon and she will be back in the office. I haven’t seen her in a month. I haven’t been emailing her updates or anything because I thought I would be seeing her after my father’s appointments. Guess that isn’t going to happen now.