Emotional Numbing

Emotional Numbing

I was talking with my therapist today about being numb. Seems that since I went up on my mood stabilizer, my writing has been affected, and not in a good way. I feel numb and its hindering my writing abilities. I only write “good” writing when I feel strong emotion. I know it’s easy to blame the meds but this time I think it is affecting me more than my bipolar. I am going to experiment and see if lowering the dose helps. I know this might now be a good idea but I got to get cracking on my book. It’s already February and I haven’t written one page of stuff.

I hate it when I feel nothing, no sadness, no happiness, no joy. Nothing at all. It’s like I am on an even keel. I am not used to feeling this way. I am used to feeling suicidal and depressed all the time. I guess it is better that I am not feeling this way but it’s weird. There have been times I feel depressed, mostly at night. That is when a switch goes off and I feel some emotion. But most of the time, I am on an equilibrium.

I think reducing my meds will help. I can’t stand the numbing anymore. I know I risk becoming hypomanic by doing this or worse, a really bad suicidal depression. I don’t think it will happen quickly. It will happen over time like this numbness has occurred. Last night I was annoyed at the postman. He refused to deliver my package because there was light snow on my stairs. I was really pissed off and it took me a while to calm down. I then started a Twitter rant about being suicidal. No one responded, as usual. I took my Twitter posts off my Facebook feed. I was tired of having to post on Twitter and then get a response on Facebook. Now whenever I retweet something it gets posted to Facebook. If Twitter does indeed change their formatting to Facebook like posts, I might just be on blog mode or something. I can’t stand the Facebook timeline. It drives me crazy.

Today was a cold day and I need to rest my ankle so I didn’t go out. I made Kona coffee that gave me the jitters. I was having an anxiety attack by the time my therapist called me. Talking to her about it helped calm me down. I can only feel anxiety and annoyance or pissed off lately. Maybe the depression is so deep that I just can’t feel it. That is another possibility. But I hate spending most of my day just staring at my bureau listening to music, just zoning out. Music doesn’t even seem to reach me. It used to. I don’t sing the songs out loud anymore. I will just sing them in my head. The voices have been quiet so I haven’t even had conversations with them.

My therapist and I also talked about how my suicidality has taken the back seat, causing Hyde to feel sad. I didn’t bring up my plans in a few weeks. Even though I am not actively suicidal, I still want to die and I am going to put that plan to action. I just can’t stand living anymore. She commented on how I have been texting her that I am depressed and wanting to die. Most of that talk was because I was in really bad space with my physical pain. I just want to give up on going on because the pain is just so awful.

My psychiatrist got back to me today. She hasn’t been in the office because a family member is sick. I told her I needed a refill on one of my meds. Hopefully the family member will get better soon and she will be back in the office. I haven’t seen her in a month. I haven’t been emailing her updates or anything because I thought I would be seeing her after my father’s appointments. Guess that isn’t going to happen now.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Emotional Numbing

  1. nessa3 says:

    Id rather feel numb than the emotional confusion….but I hate how it takes away my creativity

  2. Xeno says:

    I understand how physical pain can put you in a state of mind to just end it all. My left shoulder is chronically in pain, and probably would have committed suicide if not for weed. real talk. perhaps you’d be interested in a fellow blogger’s posts, painkills2.wordpress.com.

    would be sad if you left this earth…my heart really goes out for ya.

  3. heatherlanne says:

    It’s crazy how similar I have been, being on meds!!! I feel like a dud. My thoughts are gone. I have very little ability to write! Thanks for sharing, and you’re not alone!
    Heather

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