I am just in a “lovely” mood today. I made several calls about my father that got me no where. I give up. He dies, he dies. Everyone has to do it sooner or later and he is pushing the envelope for sooner. Not my problem. The aggravation lies in that he won’t help himself. Then my mother was sick this morning so I didn’t want to leave her alone. My plans for going out were hindered. She was fine by the afternoon, but still. Someone should be home with her just in case. Diabetes is an unpredictable illness. Sugars can drop unexpectedly as I have learned over the years.
I had therapy. We talked about grounding as I was having flashbacks and intrusive memories over the weekend. She wants me to ground myself. She had to explain what she meant by it because I haven’t ground myself in a very long time. I don’t usually have flashbacks or memories that keep playing like records in my head. Then we discussed that I don’t really want to be on sertraline and she said I needed to be. Her whole demeanor changed when I said no. If she could have written the script, I would be on it right now, that is how much she wants me to take it. I told her it’s going to be at least two weeks for it to work, if it does without making me sick. She said my father isn’t going to get better in two weeks so there. I asked her if I seemed depressed to her and she said that I did. I just have a hard time believing it.
Thing is, I don’t feel depressed all the time. Most of the time I am irritable. Noises set me off or loud voices. I still don’t have an appetite. Sometimes, like last night, I was eating because I hadn’t eaten anything all day and then in the morning, I wanted nothing to do with food. I’ve been wanting a tuna sandwich for most of the day but I just can’t get myself to make it. Doesn’t help that pain meds have been making me tired all day because my ankle is still being a brat. I woke up this morning around 7ish with my feet out of the blankets. I was covered but my feet weren’t and they were freezing. My ankle didn’t like that at all. I had to wear thermal socks again to warm them up. I had 4.5 hours of sleep. Miraculously, I didn’t tell my therapist about the drinking adventure I had last night. I came close though but stopped myself.
I keep asking myself if I am in a clinical depression again. I would have to say yes because this stuff has been going on for more than two weeks. And it doesn’t show any signs of getting better. I thought with my appetite returning, I would feel better but that hasn’t been the case. I don’t know if I am going to get better this time. I don’t feel hopeless, but I do feel like this is going to drag on and on.