I’m Atypical

I’m Atypical

My third appointment for the day was for my new PCP. She seems nice and knowledgeable. She diagnosed my dizzy spells as atypical migraine, meaning instead of getting the headache, I get dizzy. Aren’t I lucky!? She also looked at the labs at my request and noted my potassium was low. She wants to have it rechecked next week when I see the NP. She also will be sending a note to my psychiatrist. Why, I don’t remember. I think it had to do with taking the amerge for the migraines as it can interfere with the sertraline. So now I got to be careful when I get a migraine. Shit. Forgot about this side effect. Fuck. My psych is going to flip.

Spoke to my psychiatrist about my father. She thinks he is in liver failure. I am in denial, only because his alt/ast are normal (liver function tests). But I could be dead wrong. Guy is going to die if he doesn’t get the fluid out of him, and soon. He is seeing his doctor tomorrow. I made the appointment today. Beats having to go next week. This will be trip 3 to the hospital this week. I might as well stay at the holiday inn around the corner, I am there so often.

Had therapy today. My therapist wants me to deal with the impending bereavement of my father. Fat chance. I killed him off when I was younger. His physical body just isn’t in the ground or urn to make it complete. There is nothing I feel about him other than anger. Hell, I have gone on to call him fuckface now because he angers me so damn much. I give him a year to live, sooner if he doesn’t listen to his damn doctors.

I couldn’t believe she brought this up. I am glad I don’t have to deal with her until next week. I might see her on Wed if I can finagle it. It’s been almost two months since I last saw her in person. I was supposed to see her this month but my father screwed that up.

I slept pretty good today, though I am exhausted now. I left the house at 0800 and didn’t return until 1700. I tried writing in my journal but my thoughts were so slow and I couldn’t think of anything to write. Then when I did write, it took me an hour and half to write a page and a half. It’s painful to write these days. I hope the Zoloft helps. I am not sure I can go on like this. I feel like I am living in a crater and every time I try to get out, I get sucked back in. My psych said that I am depressed because of my biological vulnerabilities and my stupid ass father. I don’t know why both my psych team are dwelling on my damn father. Leave him alone and he will go away, though I was telling my therapist today he is like a boil that keeps returning. Just when you think it’s safe, the boil comes back. I was telling my psych today that the reason he refused treatment on Monday was because he wasn’t spoken to by medical personnel in the ER. If a nurse had talked to him or something, he probably would have consented to being admitted. But nope. His ego wasn’t stroked and it didn’t help that my idiot sister was telling him there were other patients besides him they had to get to before him. He got mad and so left, AMA (against medical advice).

My brother in law just called to say that he is downstairs. I asked if he was ok. He said he was. I said good, I will see him tomorrow. I don’t give a fuck. Why should I spend time with him? A son shouldn’t have to ask for a relationship with his father. I love that quote.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to I’m Atypical

  1. Marie Isabelle Snyder says:

    I am really sorry about your father. My dad died when I was 12. I still miss him every day. I hope you get some rest tonight.

  2. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Hope you manage to cherish the memories !! Please be sure to check out my blog post if you get the chance ☺️

    • Think you might be confused. No one died.

    • Marie Isabelle Snyder says:

      Thank you for your kind sentiments! I have many happy memories! My father was diagnosed with cancer when I was 10 so it was hard in the end, but before that was beautiful. My parents were crazy in love. Embarrassing at 10. Beautiful at 24. I have now lived half my life without him. The years after were rough, my mother became depressed. To the point I had to go live with my aunt. She took my money and while she was nice to me, I found out later how greedy and dishonest she was. My mom is better now. Time dulls the pain and I know my Dad wanted us to keep living. Mami and I have each other. I will check out your blog.

      I admire the blog author for helping his father even though he has made it so difficult to help!

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