Appointments that didn’t happen

Appointments that didn’t happen

My therapist agreed, reluctantly, to cancel my appointments for this week. I am glad because I don’t feel like talking this week. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. She just emailed me to change the time. It’s later in the afternoon which means I get to sleep a little longer.

My father wasn’t feeling well so we didn’t go to his appointment. I rescheduled for next week. I went over there because he wanted me to be there. I stayed for a couple of hours and then I had to leave. I couldn’t stand the shows he was watching. I tried to get him to eat something but he said that if he did, he would vomit. I must have asked him fifty times what he wanted to eat and he said no each time.

My appetite struggles continue. I just had coffee and an Ensure. I was going to order a steak and cheese but changed my mind so I might order it for dinner. But right now, I am not hungry and the thought of food repulses me. This has to be the longest streak that my appetite has been next to nothing. Yesterday I barely had 800 calories. Today is looking to be the same unless I get the cheese steak and fries.

Physically I am exhausted. I just want to sleep. My pain levels are minimal so I haven’t been taking pain meds too often. I feel like a deadweight. Even though my mother said she wasn’t going to call me to ask what I wanted for dinner, she did anyway. She wants to make porkchops. I don’t feel like having porkchops. She got mad. Oh well.

My psychiatrist acknowledged how difficult things are for me right now. She said that it would be ok for me to go to the hospital if I needed to be there. Things is, until I get things settled with my father, I can’t really go in. If I have another suicidal episode, I will. I will have to pack a bag and that seems so daunting because I don’t know what to pack. I have just one pair of pjs that are decent. I need to get more pjs. What really keeps me from going in is the mountain of pills I will have to take because they don’t have the dose of many of my meds. For example, last time I was there, I had to take 4 pills of Lisinopril because they didn’t have the 40 mg tabs. I hated taking my meds every night because of this. It was worst than what I take at home.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Appointments that didn’t happen

  1. I do pray to twill be a better day for you.

any thoughts?

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