Random 909

Random 909

I had therapy today and I told her the reason why I had to cancel last week was because of my episodes of psychache. We talked about it a little bit and about going to the hospital if I need to. She said that the hospital has always been the place where I recharge my batteries, despite how suicidal I am. I know it’s not a treatment place anymore. I have been burned more than it has helped. But it does give me some respite.

I was supposed to go to visit my father today but my bowels have been acting up so decided it was safer to be home than out. I was right because I took the trash out and had to go soon as I came back in. Guess no pastrami sub for me today. I am really exhausted, not saying I wasn’t before but the whole trips to the bathroom just wore me out.

I brought up a topic I really didn’t want to talk about but had to be discussed because it was bothering me. It had to do with my weight and how I feel about it. I hate myself for many reasons and being obese is one of them. Since my weight loss with the depression, I kind of feel like I don’t deserve to lose weight but I know that it’s better for me to be “lighter”. I just feel like I am losing a part of myself. Sure I can gain it back. But it’s not the same. I don’t want to be more than what I am right now. I know that since eating a little regularly I have gained back some pounds and I am sure eating those pastrami subs over the weekend didn’t help. But that is the thing with my eating, it’s all or nothing. I either eat a little, a lot, or nothing. Now that I don’t have a PCP after my weight issues, I have relaxed and sort of gradually watched what I eat and stuff. But it hasn’t been easy. I am not at my target weight and I don’t think I will get there as my appetite has come back. Not with a vengeance but enough that I don’t starve.

We talked briefly about my father. I just gave her an update about his current condition as she didn’t know that he is hospitalized, again. I also emailed my psych. We were talking about how the depression started before my father got really sick. The depression has been going on for months now and I am not sure it is going to get better. The medication I am on is not helping, least not yet. It’s very difficult dealing with severe depression when a parent is sick.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Random 909

  1. manyofus1980 says:

    I can see how hospital would give you respite. that is how I look at it too when ihave to go in. I also hate how I look, I want to lose weight but its so slow…and I have no patience. XX

  2. mm172001 says:

    Hospital is respite for me too and a break from family. Keep me posted.

  3. mysterymunro says:

    From the point of view of your father I can see how you’re feeling. Remember to be there for him in his time of need and you yourself might find yourself feeling better for it. When my father was in hospital I was left at home to look after the house (my sisters don’t need looking after haha they’re fantastic and if anything I look up to them), my mum was in care at the time. I felt like I couldn’t talk to him and it helped to escape but I should have at least spoken to to him more than I did. Don’t let yourself slide away from existence in that sense. All my best wishes and I can’t say I know exactly how you feel but you’re probably a lot stronger than you give yourself credit. Feel free to contact me if you’d like to by the way.

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